


Agape Growing

by tummytrouble



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Artificial Insemination, Breastfeeding, Broken Bones, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emetophobia, F/M, Forced Pregnancy, Gender Dysphoria, Gun Violence, Hallucinations, Haphephobia, Heterosexual Character, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kidnapping, Marijuana, Medical Examination, Medical Procedures, Men Crying, Minor Character Death, Morning Sickness, Mpreg, Murder, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Psychological Trauma, Recreational Drug Use, Smoking, Stuttering Diego Hargreeves, Swearing, Threats of Violence, Time Travel, Touch-Starved, Trans Male Character, Transgender Number Five | The Boy, Unrequited Love, Whump, autistic lila pitts, graphic birth, labor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:47:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 46,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29187291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tummytrouble/pseuds/tummytrouble
Summary: Five had been lost for forty years. After his rescue, Five will wish he had rather just stayed lost.
Relationships: Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 34





	1. The Rescue

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, i spelled dolores' name wrong. no, im not fixing it rn lol  
> two, fuck off canon i do what i want

… 

"I dunno, Delores, maybe I'm meant to be alone."

The old man takes another swig of his whiskey. He crudely wipes his face with his palm and stares at the mannequin.

"But you're not truly alone, love. You know how that makes me feel." He looks at her for a moment before speaking. 

"... You know how I meant it." 

  
  


When he goes for his next drink, he realizes the bottle is empty. "Shit." He whispers. Haden't this thing just been full?

"I can't stand it when you drink. You're not you, honey." Delores sniffles, her face expressionless. Five can't watch her cry again. He braces his hands on his knees to stand, careful not to agitate his arthritis, and starts to pick up all the bottles at his feet, tears coming to his eyes.

He hated this. He hated the fighting, he hated the drinking. He hated the ash in his lungs and the arthritis in his legs. But most of all, Five hated when it was time to sleep, as Delores always fell asleep first. 

He quietly gathers all the bottles, ignoring the sting in his eyes and tosses them into a nearby bucket. Of course, half of them spill out onto the ground, the bucket not nearly big enough. Five sighs and stumbles back to his original spot. He silently wipes his eyes and looks back to Delores. She's calmed down a little, but he can tell by her posture that she won't speak to him for a while. And he's afraid of that.

"Delores, please look 't me." Five slurs, his eyes threatening to spill. "Please talk to me." he begs. 

Silence. "Fine! B' like that. I din't wanna talk anyway." Five stands up again and trumbles over to the curtain to his left.

He steps onto the dirt, raising a cloud of filth and ash every time his foot scrapes under him. He lowers his thick goggles from his forhead to sheild his eyes so he can see. There's honestly nothing to look at. Its just ash and the ground. The clouds cover the horizon, and everything had collapsed years ago. Theres nothing for miles around Delores and Five's makeshift home. Still, Five palms the rifle he keeps on his side at all times. You never know around here. The last animal he ever saw was handful of cockroaches he had seen about two months ago. 

That's when he hears the whooosh behind him. Five swings his weapon around as fast as he can. It's too fast in fact, and the momentum and the spinning in his head throw him just off balance and his feet trip on the uneven land underneath him, sending him crashing backwards. He lands on his tailbone, and the rushing pain to his brain almost sobers him to the bone. Almost. 

"Oh, a bit clumsy aren't we?" a female voice calls out to him. The old man instantly breaks out into a cold sweat. His eyes finally focus, and there's a woman only three feet from him. "Who are-" 

"Hold up, darling! Is that any way to talk to a Lady? Your'e quite the mess! Stand up and collect yourself first, my dear! Here." She stretches out a gloved hand to him. "Let me help you."

Five inspects the glove in front of him. It's black, and is short enough that he can see her wrist. His eyes travel up over the jacket covering her arm, its checkered black and white, wrapped around her top half, her bottom half covered by a long black dress. Her hair is white and her face screams elderly. Shes wearing bright lipstick and wearing huge jewelry. Oh God, was this his rescuer? Or perhaps a figment of his imagination? He sat with his mouth agape, staring.

He weakly raises his own hand into the air, not quite sure if she's real yet. Then, the woman fills the gap and clutches at his worn wrinkled hand. It's too much. He can feel the warmth from under the leathery fabric, can feel the grip of her fingers around his. She quickly yanks upwards, her strength surprising the old man. Once he's on his feet, he swiftly retracts his hand from hers, as if burnt. It's too much stimulation for him. So he wipes his hand on his ratty pant leg, as if trying to wipe the touch off.

"That's much better, innit?" the woman chimes, her yellowing teeth sharp against her lipstick. She doesn't give him time to talk before she continues. "Name's the Handler. Or you could just call me 'boss'!" she exclaims, completely ignoring his little tick. 

Five is stunned. Not only is this woman-the Handler real, but is she really trying to employ him after about ten seconds after meeting him? "I'm- I'm Five." he finally mumbles, not trusting his own voice at the moment.

"Darling, we know who you are!" the old woman beams, throwing her hands up. "We've been looking for you, you know. For a while now." 

What? Someone had been looking for him? How was that possible?

"Are you perhaps...... like me?" was all he could think to ask. His mind was working a hundred miles a minute. And it was getting harder to breath. 

"Oh sugar, there's nobody out there like you!" she half-laughes, then quickly clears her throat. "Alrighty now, it's time to go, Five."

Go? They can finally leave this place? Hold on...

"Delores."

The Handler raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me?" 

Five walks past her, careful not to graze her, and past the curtain into his little base. His eyes land on her, she hadn't moved an inch. She's facing a bit away, but he can still see her beautiful face. 

"Delores, I-" "I'm still upset with you." She interrupts. The old mans face brightens with the biggest smile he's made in decades. She was never the best at the no talking game.

He rushes over to her and places his calloused hands on her cheeks. He doesn't realize he's crying until he speaks again. "Delores, we're leaving!" "What!?" There's panic in her voice. "Five, what's going on?" 

His tight expression softens. "No no my dear, nothing's wrong. In fact, everything's right! We're saved! We can leave!" There are tears streaming down his ash-streaked face, but he doesn't care. His hands are shaking now, and he's struggling to take in any air. What the..

"It's okay honey, it's just a panic attack. Slow, deep breaths and count to five." She reminds him. He nods in response. He breaths in, counts, breathes out, counts, and repeats. His eyes burn, and he knows Delores can feel how unsteady his hands are. But he focuses on his breathing, until he doesn't heed to count anymore and stares into Delores' eyes. 

"Better?"

"Yeah. Thank you."

He takes his hands off her smooth face and maneuvers his hands around her torso and lifts her into his embrace. "Wha- Five? What are you doing?" 

"I"ll explain everything later, I promise." He huffs, turning around. He jumps at the sight of the handler who had been standing behind him, probably the entire time. "May we proceed now?" She asks, no sign in her voice that she had acknowledged or cared about what she had just witnessed. 

"Alright," Five exclaims, "Take us away!"

...

With one swift flick of a briefcase and a bright blue light later, they find themselves standing in a small room. Five examines the place. It's about ten by ten, with grey walls and dark blue carpet. Zero windows, and two doors, one in front of him and one to his right. Theres a bed behind him, and a desk and bookshelf to his left. It's.... incredible really. 

He can't stop looking, and before he knows it, he realizes the Handler is speaking to him.

"... and of course you'll be needing a few thing, such as a schedule, a few appointments, to check on your body and mind, a dining hall pass, on me darling, and you'll defiantly need some books for that empty bookcase, and is there anything else you can think of while I'm at it?" She's staring at him now, and it's too much. He can't take it all in at once for whatever reason. 

"..... a shower?" he suggests, his eyes darting around the room again.

"Ah! Yes! Actually, go do that now. I have some stuff to attend to before we talk more." She waves at the door to his right. "It's in there and it's all yours." 

'All yours' Five thinks to himself. So, this room must be his now.

The handler moves her hand to her wrist and swiftly removes her wristwatch and sets it on the bed. "You have one hour before I return. Toodles!" She retrieves her briefcase and walks out the door, and pulls it shut with a thick clunk followed by the sound of the door locking behind her. 

Five turns to the bed and the watch catches his eye. It says 5:15. He then sets down Delores next to the watch, brushing the dirt from her shirt. "I have to shower, and then we'll talk, okay?" he speaks, hoping she'll understand. 

"Okay darling. I'll stay put." she jokes, followed by a chuckle. Oh how Five loves her deep voice. "I'll try to be quick."

"Take your time! I'll be here no matter what." she coos. He can't help but smile as he goes for the far right door. He pushes it open, and inspects the room. Its a blue tiled bathroom, complete with a sink, toilet and bath. There are grey towels hanging from the wall opposite of the toilet, and sitting on the sink is a folded up grey suit. He notices a note on top of the clothing, but he can't see what it says from the door way. 

He completely enters the room and carefully shuts the door behind him. He shuffles over to the sink and picks up the note.

'Your uniform'

He sets the note back down and eyes the tub. It's a bathtub and a shower, and he can see soap and a rag inside.

Now or never, he thinks to himself. He starts to peel of his dirty layers, letting them drop to the floor. It takes a while, not only with the layers stuck to each other, but also peeling off the inner most layers off of his skin. It's a truly disgusting feeling once he's completely nude, standing around his tattered makeshift clothing. He ignores the mirror above the sink as he steps into the tub, looking at the knobs. He turns them both all the way up and closes the curtain.

... 

Even though the water cascading down his body comes out clean, he doesn't feel clean. A single shower can't seem to wash away the 40 years he had spent in a wasteland, no matter how new the shampoo is. He shuts off the flow of the water and opens the curtain. He grabs a towel and pushes his face into it. It smells like fresh laundry, (thank god) and just buries his face. He breathes it in, not wanting it to be some figment of his imagination.

Well, if it is his mind playing tricks on him, it's doing a damn good job.

Five figures he'd better get dressed before the cold settles in his old bones. He pristinely dries himself off and todses the towel onto the damp floor. He grabs at the suit still sitting on the sink. Its also seemed they left him fresh underwear and socks as well. He scurries to dress himself with his back to the mirror, never taking the time to see his body. Once the man is dressed, he realizes two things.

One, it's much bigger that it needs to be. The suit practically falls off of his toned frame. He'll be needing a belt soon or he'll be pulling up his pants every 15 feet. And two, he doesn't know what to do with his hair. He finally looks into the mirror hanging on the wall. His hair is long, ratty and grey. It frames his round face, still damp and in desperate need of a touch up. He looks down and bingo, there are drawers under the sink. When he opens the top drawer, theres a small single pair of scissors. He pulls them out and examines his face in the mirror. 

He'd had to cut his own hair before, although scissors were a luxury. He'd usually use glass shards, but this would be so much easier for his old hands.

Five clutches at a handful and begins snipping away. He loses himself in just the sound of the snips, watching his hair fall into the sink. 'I can always clean this up later' the old timer thinks to himself, a small smile creeping upon his face. He feels... at peace for the first time in a long time. It's not long at all before there's nothing left for him to cut, and Five returns the tool where he found it.

'Time to face the music' he thinks, straitening his tie. carefully reaches for the doorknob and turns it.

He quickly catches sight of the handler on the bed, staring at Delores with a sandwich in hand. The sandwich is half eaten, and he can make out the sound of her chewing. Once she swallows, she takes another bite. She must not have heard the door open as her eyes are glued onto Delores.

"Ahem." Five clears his throat, just loud enough to break the woman's trance.

The Handler's eyes dart to five, a smile creeping upon her face. She swallows what she has in her mouth before she speaks.

"Why hello! Welcome back! I brought ham sandwiches!" she raises her sandwich in the air, shaking it in a goofy fashion. "Have one before we talk darling."

She uses the sandwich to point to the desk, where the plate of food is. Her face turns back to Delores, clearly done speaking. 

Five gives his love a concerned look. 'Are you okay?' he mouthes to her, side-eyeing the Handler. 

"I'm fine, dear. She's just looking." she says in an almost sing-song voice. Five doesn't realize he'd been holding his breath until he deeply exhales. 

Then, it's just him and the sandwiches. Five can feel his hunger rising in his throat. He scotches towards the desk, and reaches out for one. The bread is soft in his hand. It's real all right. He swiftly brings it to his mouth and bites down hard. The explosion of flavor and texture almost send the old man weeping into his arm. 

Just as quick as he is to stifle the emotions rising to the surface, he finishes off the rest of the sandwich. Then two more. 

He goes for a fourth and his stomach twists in disagreement.

"Now now dear, don't be a glutton! You'll barf at that rate!" the woman laughs behind him, startling him.

"Don't worry, you'll have no shortage of food around here." she pats the space beside her on the bed. "C'mere. We have a lot to talk about." 

Five hesitates.

But, he has no choice in the end. He's grateful for no what she's done for him. He can do this.

He stiffly sits next to the Handler, his eyes on her, and her eyes on him. 

"So. I'll talk, you listen. Keep all questions until after I'm finished speaking. Understand?" 

He politely nods.

"Good! I assure you it'll go by so much easier for both of us. So! We work for an organization called the Temps Commission. Our job is to keep the timeline in tact and on track." she starts, then quickly finishing off her sandwich and (very politley) waits until she's swallowed before she continues. "We use time travel to eliminate any threat to the space-time continuom. Understand so far?" the handler pauses, looking at Five excpectantly.

He nods, not trusting his voice.

"Good, good. Now, my job is- wait, that's not your business! Haah! So! Let's say we were to employ you, which we most likley will, you're job would be.... simply put, an executioner! You would be one of many field agents who kills those who threaten the timeline.”

Five’s mouth fell dry. He’d basically be an assassin? It’s not like Five’s hands were clean, but he’d hoped this job would be a little… different from his last.

“And now, the exciting part!” the Handler exclaimes, clapping her gloved hands together.

“Needless to say, Five, you’re special. You have qualifications that would make you the best, so we have a proposition for you. We need your help making the next generation of the Commission unstoppable!” her creepy smile sends shivers down Five’s spine. “Now, any questions? I bet you have a few.”

A  _ few? _ Is this woman completely insane? Five needed to slow down his brain a bit and think. He wished he had some way to write all this down. But for now, he needed basic information.

“Ah, when and where are we right now?”

The handler smiled. “1955, in Texas darling.”

Okay, he could work with that. And he understood the whole ‘executioner’ crap. Now what was she talking about, ‘building the next generation’ part? 

“Now, what was that last part again? And spare no detail, my interest has been piqued.”

“Oh? You want to know about our new experimental department? I mean, of course you do! After all, it was made with you in mind.” the Handler teases.

“Fine. To put it bluntly, we want to breed super humans with your powers, specifically. We combine your DNA with another employee, and tada! Time traveling agents! It would save us a LOT of money to be quite honest. Oh, and I can’t take no for an answer…” she proddles on.

Five is sweating bullets at this point. Yep, he had been rescued by a criminally insane woman. The word  _ breed  _ hung in his mind heaveley. They wanted to treat him like livestock. He decided to test the waters. “And what would happen if I didn't agree to this shit?” 

He expects the woman to become stern with him, but instead, she throws her head back and barks out an ugly laugh.

“Why, my dear boy, your family will die!”

Five wants nothing more than to vomit at those words. “W-what do you know about my family?” he spits, his voice quivering. 

“Oh, we know  _ all  _ about you and your family of super powered siblings and your insanely rich father. And we know that they won’t survive the apocalypse. But, if we were to get a ‘yes’ from you, we can change that. If we get a ‘no’, not only will they die, but we would hunt you down and experiment on ya! Isn’t that grand, dear?”

Oh God. This couldn’t be real. Five was just having a nightmare, that’s it. He was still asleep in the dirt with Delores, yeah. 

Before the panic could truly settle in, a hand quickly snatched up his own.

“Don’t touch me!!” Five roared, his own voice surprising him. He attempted to yank his hand back, but her hand was strong and unmoving. 

He broke out into a cold sweat, his heart racing.  _ Don’t touch me! Stop! It hurts… _

“Oh? Someone have a little bit a haphephobia? Shit, that’ll complicate this a wee bit.”

She finally lets go, and not a second later, the elder man warps to the opposite side of the room, putting as much distance between them as he can. He has his hand to his chest, cradling it as though he had been burned. His breathing is quick and uneven as he thinks. Haphephobia? He’s definitely read the word before, the fear of touch if he remembers correctly.

_ Lord,  _ he thinks,  _ it’s been too long. _

The Handler’s voice breaks him out of his trance.

“Well no matter, we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it! Now, I bet you’re exhausted my dear, so I’ll let ya dwell on it for the night.” As she moves across the room, Five moves to the opposite side, afraid of her cruel touch, until The handler is by the door, and Five is by the bed again. “G’night, love.” 

The man flinches as the door shuts behind her, and he’s finally alone with Delores. Oh God, she had heard everything hadn't she? He can’t even look at her as he races to the bathroom, running to the toilet, and heaving up his sandwiches.  _ What a waste…. _

He vomits for a good while, and when he’s finished, Five breaks down. The old man pulls his knees to his chest, burying his face in his wrinkled, arthritic hands. He’s in full blown sobs when he hears it. 

“Five my love, come here.”

He looks to the doorway with a whimper.

“You know I would come to you if I could, my darling.”

It takes him a moment, but he finally heaves himself off of the bathroom floor, and to the door. When peaks out, she’s sitting on the bed, where The Handler had left her. “There you are, my big strong hunk.” The nickname gives Five a huge wet chuckle, tears still streaming down his cheeks.

“Hunk? Me? Nah…*sniff*” He attempts to wipe the snotty mess off of his face, his tears continuing. “More like a wreck.”

“Come to me, my big fuzzy-wuzzy man.” Delores cooes, her voice steady and deep. Five can’t help but bark out a laugh. Delores could always bring him up when he was down, and he was glad for that. They knew each other all too well. He was grateful for her. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Now come talk to me.”

Five climbs onto the bed, and moves Delires so she’s laying down, and settles down to her left.

They lie there for a few moments, and the moments turn to minutes. She’s obviously waiting for him to speak first, but Five doesn’t know where to start. He wants to avoid thinking of the strange woman, his rescuer. He just wants to pretend this had never happened, but he has a feeling it won't be long before he sees her again.

He’s suddenly hit with a wave of exhaustion. He can’t keep his swollen eyes open a second longer, and his limbs feel like lead. It’s not long before he’s dead asleep. If only he knew of what was next to come...  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Dawning Realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaand this chapter has a character whos afraid to be touched getting a gyno exam. yall have been warned.

…

Nothingness. Then suddenly,

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Five opens a bleary eye to check the watch The Handler had left on the desk to the side of the bed. It’s seven o’clock, according to the piece of metal. He closes his eyes and sighs. 

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

The sound was starting to get to him, so he decides it’s time to get up. He reaches for the watch and quickly turns it off. He also realizes, with dread, that he had fallen asleep in his new suit. _So much for feeling clean._ He looks over at his love, who is still and silent on the covers next to him. _Still asleep._

He carefully shuffles off of the bed, careful not to disturb her. Once he has his bearings, he jumps to the bathroom. He’s aware enough of his new surroundings, and his legs hurt when he first arises. He peels off the layers of his outfit, as they’re drenched in sweat. He recalls the night before, that they’re currently in Texas, so he’s not surprised. He drops them to the floor and steps into the shower, making sure the water is nice and hot, as if to scald and burn his anxieties away. 

-

He bathes for well over an hour before he hears the door creak open. He stiffens, and calls out. “H-hello?” Instead of a reply, there's the distinct sound of heels on the linoleum, and the curtain opens with a _whoosh!_

“AAAAH! What the fuck!!”

He teleports behind them to grab his towel off of the sink and quickly covers himself. He swiftly realizes it's The Handler, and not a complete stranger.

“Have you no decency, woman?! Christ almighty!” He shifts the towel so it won’t fall off of him, should he need to jump away again.

“Now now dear, don’t be so prude. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” She eyes the old man, and how he holds his towel tight to his chest. “If I hadn't come sooner, you’d have turned into a prune.” 

The woman strides to the door, and Five makes a wide berth around her. “Now get dressed, I have somewhere to take you. Left your new clothes on the John for ya, love.” She closes the door behind her with a light chuckle.

-

They walk through hallway after hallway, with an occasional employee passing them as they go. They don’t speak to one another, the only sound they make are the sounds of their shoes on the floor. They eventually make their way to The Handler’s office, and when they enter, she closes the door behind her, and locks the door. 

Five is unnerved by the fact that there is a man waiting for them, sitting silently in one of the few fancy chairs in the large room. At least, he _thinks_ it's a man. The person in question is wearing a black suit, and a blue cartooney mask. Five isn’t sure what kind of animal it’s supposed to be, but if he had to guess, it would be a bear. 

“Five, this is Hazel. Hazel, this is Mister Five.” the Handler introduces, taking her seat behind the flamboyant desk. “Until further notice, Hazel will be your supervisor, trainer, and partner.” she states, looking over the papers in front of her. “He will instruct you on how to do your job until you’re out of commission. Capisce?” She finally looks at Five, her eyes boring into his own. She doesn’t wait for a reply before she continues. “More about that later, we need to take Five to the west wing for his, eh- _checkup,_ sooner rather than later.” She’s directly addressing Hazel this time. “And remember, we wouldn’t want a certain persons to be uncomfortable, so remember to tell him: a ‘no’ means ‘bye bye family’!” 

Five involuntarily flinches, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by The Handler. Whatever was about to happen was going to be disturbing and cruel, he could tell. 

Hazels gives a short nod towards the woman and stands. They then silently trot to the door, and wait. The Handler speaks for him, though. “Go on dear, Hazel will take you.” And with that, she puts her full focus on the paperwork before her. Five has no choice, and follows Hazel out the door. 

-

“I don’t bite, you know.”

The sudden voice shocks Five out of his numbness. “What?” 

Hazel chortles. “I said, I’m not going to bite you, old timer.” 

Despite the fact that it’s only the two of them stalking the lower halls of the complex, Five has the feeling that they’re being surveyed. He has to choose his words wisely. “... So, Hazel, what can you tell me about this checkup?” 

Five oh so wishes the other man would remove the wretched mask so he could read his face. “I’m afraid I can’t tell you anything you already don’t know. At least, not yet. And we’re here.” 

They abruptly stop in front of a solid, steel door. Hazel gives a distinct knock, and the door is opened from the inside. 

“Come inside!”

Hazel ushers Five inside, and he reluctantly enters. Though, not only three steps inside, and the old man is frozen in his tracks. It doesn’t take a genius to know that he’s standing in a medical room. When he sees the cot, with a pair of stir-ups attached, Five breaks out in a cold sweat. 

_Okay, remember, I can’t say no. I have to save my family._

_My family…_

Five thinks of his siblings. Luther, Vanya, Alison, Klaus, Diego, Ben. He thinks of pogo, and his Mother. He even thinks of his dear old dad. 

He takes a sharp inhale, and turns to the newest person in this cruel escapade. He’s surprised when he’s face to face with a beautiful woman. She has incredible brown skin, and Dark brown hair, cut to frame her face perfectly. 

“Mister Five, I take it?” Her words are sharp and sure, and her face stone cold. “Take a seat.” 

The new woman looks over to where Hazel is standing, and nods. “Hazel.”

“Cha-cha.” He replies, giving a curt nod in return. Five continues to chant his family’s names over and over in his head as he sits upon the cot.

“Now, I need some information from you, mister Five. Your date of birth and full name, we already have. Current age?”

“Fifty three years, three months, ei-”

“Fifty three will suffice.”

_Deep breaths, in and out, in and out._

“Place of birth?”

“Don’t know.”

“Any information on any living blood relatives that you know of?”

Five pauses before he answers. “I have a twin brother.” Her pen stops writing on her clipboard.

“Identical or fraternal?”

“Does it matter?”

“Very much so.”

Five is shocked. “Er, fraternal.” Her writing starts again, more furiously than before. 

“Alright. I’ll need you to undress now so you can change into a gown.”

Five’s eyes dart to Hazel, who reads his face like a book. “I’ll step out.” Without another word, he leaves the room, alone with the strange woman. 

He carefully begins to remove his suit, his eyes never leaving Cha-Cha, and hers never leaving him. He hesitates when he goes for the buttons on his shirt. “She told you, I presume?” he asks, hoping she’ll understand. 

“All I know is that it doesn’t matter to me, man.”

She must have been able to feel the relief come off of him in waves, because she actually gives him a curt smile. 

It takes him a few, but he finally undresses and redresses, tying the knots on the back as tight as he can. 

“Have you ever had a pelvic exam before, sir?”

“No… never.” he admits. He had read once that you should get regular pelvic exams once you turn twenty one, and he had disappeared when he was thirteen. No medical examinations by yourself in the Apocalypse. 

“Well, it’s not pleasant. But I will be as gentle as I can. Legs in the stir-ups please.” 

Five has no choice. He leans back, and one at a time pulls each leg into their respective spots. 

“Slide your rear to the end, please.”

This is fucking humiliating. He has a tight hand around his gown, trying to cover himself, even though he knows it's futile. His eyes start to sting, as he repeats his siblings names over and over in his head, trying to ground himself.

_Luther, Allison, Diego, Klaus, Vanya, Ben…_

Then fire on his thigh. He yelps, actively jerking his leg back as far as it’ll go. The hand quickly jerks back, and he hears her _tsk tsk_ softly. 

“Shit man, I have to touch you to do this!” A moment passes, and she adds, “Do I need to have you strapped down?”

Five isn’t claustrophobic in the least bit. So he thinks, tears streaming down his cheeks.

_A ‘no’ means ‘bye bye family!’_

“Do it.”

“...Alright.”

She leaves his side to her desk to retrieve the necessary straps. “I’ll show you how to do your legs and left arm, and I’ll do the right last.” her tone is no longer like glass, but calm and sweet, like honey. She’s the only person besides his mom who had ever done anything medical to him, but he can tell her bedside manners are impeccable.

“How old was your oldest patient?” he asks her, strapping in his feet with her stern guidance. 

“Sixty two.”

“Fucking incredible.”

“Exactly what I said.”

He’s afraid to ask her his next question, afraid to cement in the knowledge he knew, yet impressively ignored. So he stays silent. It’s too soon before he’s finished, and he has to let her touch his bare skin. 

_Vanya, Klaus, Alison, Klaus, Ben…_

Despite her gentle hand, he whimpers and jerks at her touch as she straps in his right arm, effectively tied down. Cha-Cha repositions herself at the base of the cot, between Fives legs. “Do you want me to tell you everything i’m doing?” she asks, her gloved hands resting just above his skin.

“God, no.” he can’t help but laugh, but it comes out sounding wet and painful, as his tears haven’t stopped.

“Then tell me about your family. You said you have a twin brother, tell me about him.”

Five knows what she’s doing. Trying to distract him from his impending panic, and he’s truly grateful.

“...Hi-his name is Luther.” he sputters.

“Go on.”

“And I haven’t seen him in forty yea-Aah!”

Five can feel her fingers touching him, in an area he doesn’t even touch himself. Despite the massive intrusion, he continues, his voice wavering. 

“I-I never even got to say g-goodbye to him. To any o-of them.”

“And why not?” she deadpans, continuing her examination, doing her best to keep the man talking. 

“Bec-because I was an ass.” he cries, his breath uneven and harsh. “I didn’t.. I didn’t think. I just did.” Five is now wracked with guilt, his sobbing continuing. “I’m an idiot.”

She pulls her hands away, having completed the first part of his examination. Despite her plan not going exactly like she had planned, he _is_ technically distracted. “Do you have more family? Friends? Lovers?” 

And Five’s breathing momentarily stops. “D-Dolores.”

“And who is Dolores?” he can’t see it, but he can hear the sound of her retrieving a tool from her side. 

“She’s the love of m-my life.” he whispers, so quietly he’s not sure if Cha-Cha had heard him. 

She speaks as she inserts her speculum inside of the elder. “Is she beautiful?” 

Five isn’t sure what to make of this new feeling. It’s not her hand, but rather a piece of metal or plastic. He can feel the tool slide inside him, and he sobs harder as he can feel the tool shifting, as if opening him up. He hears the snap of fingers, and adjusts his eyes through the tears so he can see Cha-Cha once more. “Dolores, remember?”

Ah, Dolores. How he feels so unsure, whether he would have wanted her here or not. On one hand, he misses her company. On the other, he would have hated her to see him like this.

“She’s- she’s the most beautiful woman I know.”

“How did you two meet?” She takes a swift swabbing of the inside of Five, and properly seals the sample up. “How long have you been together?”

“Thirty one years.” he answers, thinking back to the first time he had laid eyes on her. “M-met in an old mall, in the end of times.” 

“Sounds like you really love her.” She hesitates, then, “This next part is the most uncomfortable.” she admits. “Scream if you need to.”

Five isn’t prepared at all at the feeling of her slim finger entering him. He howls and clenches hard around her, his legs shaking violently. 

“I know this sucks, but try to unclench. Where is Dolores now?” she tries. Her other hand reaches for Five’s lower belly, and gently pushes down, feeling for any anomalies. Five is now getting a headache, from the clenching and tension or from the crying, he can’t tell. It’s taking every fiber of his being not to teleport away, as she is still touching him, so it would be pointless anyway. 

“Room.” is all he can muster, his insides burning. 

This seems to surprise Cha-Cha. “She’s in your room here at the organization?” Five can only nod in return. “Hey, don’t hold your breath, you're gonna pass the fuck out.” 

Five hadn’t realized he had been holding it. He takes a shuttered breath, and whines hard. 

“Hey now, I’m almost done. Hang tight.” 

She removes her hand from his belly, and lines it up with his anus. “Just a few more seconds.”

_Allison, Dolores, Mom, Father, Klaus, Diego, Allison…_

He’s almost done. He can do this. He sniffs hard, and nods to her. He yelps once more at the intrusion, curious if the walls in here are soundproof or not. His skin, inside and out feels as though someone had branded him there. His whole body is shaking at this point, ready for it to be over. 

She feels around for exactly seven seconds, and removes all of her fingers from inside Five. “Done.” 

Five sobs loudly in relief. He did it. He wasn't sure if he could do it, but he did. But at Cha-Chas next words, his heart sinks.

“No obvious problems or deformations. I see no reason you shouldn't be able to get pregnant, even at your age.”


	3. Gun Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok ok, i apologize beforehand, because i know fuck all about guns. google, guide my stupid hand. ok bye

Five and Hazel sat together in the dining hall, with Hazel’s plate almost finished and Five’s plate being untouched. Even though he had thrown up his first proper meal there last night, Five was not in the least bit hungry, Cha-Cha’s words echoing through his head. 

“You have to eat something, old timer.” 

Five looks up from his plate, looking directly in Hazel’s eyes. The man obviously couldn’t eat with his mask on, so it lay discarded on the table. He wasn’t a bad looking man, Five had to admit to himself, and he didn’t seem like a bad person either. If Hazel had heard his shrill screams, or if he noticed Five’s splotchy, red face afterwards, he didn’t say. 

“Not hungry.” was all he could muster, his throat scratchy and raw. 

“Sorry, but I can’t take no for an answer here.” Five noticeably finches, and Hazel winces in apology. “Sorry.”

“Not your fault.” Five looks around the room, taking notice of the others occupying the same room. There's a group of three on the other end of the room, loudly chatting and eating together. They pay no heed to the two, obviously caught up in whatever conversation they’re currently having. Five figures whatever he has to say to Hazel won’t be overheard by them, should they keep their voices down.

Five musters what little courage he has, and speaks. “Did you know?” he asks, hoping his vagueness will be understood.

Hazel stops mid bite, his mouth agape. He sets his silverware down, and eyes the old man, his expression guilty and remorseful. 

“I did. And I was instructed not to tell you, should you decide to leave.”

Five’s teeth clench. Of course he would know, he was his assigned partner, after all. 

“What can you tell me, now that I know?”

Hazel averts his eyes, Five’s boring into him. The younger man thinks for a moment, and carefully answers.

“I’ll tell you what I can. What so you want to know, old timer?”

“How long has this been planned?”

Hazel swallows harshly. “As soon as they discovered your, erh, gender.” 

Five is taken aback. “Do you know how long ago that was?” he asks, unsure if he wants the truth.

“I do not. I’m sorry.”

Not like it matters, Five thinks, seeing as his time and their time are not parallel. 

“Who’s going to be the doner?” Five’s voice is shaking, and as are his hands in his lap.

Hazel’s face is all too knowing, and he adjusts his sitting position so he’s leaned in closer to the old man. “Do you really want to know that?”

Five goes to answer, but his voice is caught in his throat. He shakes his head ‘no’ in response. Hazel leans back, his face solom. “Okay. Any more questi-” 

Five isn’t sure why he stops, but he realizes he can’t breath. His hands fly to his chest, heaving at the lack of airflow.

“Hey now, calm down now. It’s okay, you’re okay!”

Hazel is now at his side, hands hovering over his shoulder, too afraid to touch. 

_So he_ had _heard,_ Five thinks, the panic tightening around his body. 

“Deep breaths, in and out, in and out.”

The only sound Five can focus on is the roaring of blood in his ears, but he tries his best to regulate his breathing before another voice chimes in.

“Hey, is he alright? Does he need help?”

Five looks over to the gentleman, his eyes now stinging with tears. 

“Just a panic attack, Herb, nothing to worry about.” Hazel offers, hoping the man will go back to his friends at the other table.

Five is utterly embarrassed. He was fifty three, for christ's sake. He has survived the Goddamn apocalypse, yet here he was, panicking at the thought of another person seeing him this weak.

“I-I’m f-f-fine.” he breathes out, forcing back tears. 

This seems to quell the stranger’s fears, as he turns to leave. 

“Here, I know where to take you. Let’s go, old timer.”

-

The first thing Five notices is the sound. He can hear bullet after bullet, and Hazel hands him a large pair of noise-cancelling earphones. “For protection.”

The second thing five notices the smell. It stinks like sulfur and burnt charcoal.

“A shooting range?” He asks, placing the earphones around his neck.

“Yup. Need to teach you how to shoot properly. It’s where I go when I need to unwind.”

Five has for the most part calmed down, though he can feel the anxiety like a lump in his chest. He carefully watches as Hazel pulls a neat handgun out of its sling, and silently loads the gun. Hazel motions Five to follow him to the end row, where it’s already been set up, as if they were ready for them. 

“Ever shoot a gun before, old timer?”

“...No.” Five answers truthfully. While he had access to guns and ammo in the Apocalypse, he never had a reason to use them.

“Time to learn then.” He hands the gun out to Five, who gingerly takes it. 

“Extend your arms and keep them locked. Watch for the recoil though. Flex your knees, but don’t bend them. Keep your feet parallel and keep your stance as wide as your shoulders.” 

Five quickly mimics his partner, holding the gun out.

“Keep your finger off the trigger until you’re ready. Keep your breathing even, and shoot.” 

Before either of them have time to cover their ears, Five lets off all six rounds. He aims with precision, aiming for the head, chest and groin. His arms are steady, and his breathing is even.

It feels incredible. Five turns to Hazel, his face shaped with awe.

“Impressive! You managed to kill your target!” Though Hazels voice is loud, Five can barely register it. _Oh, the ear protection._ He reaches around his neck, pulling the earphones over his ears. Hazel does the same, while also placing down a box of ammo. Before he can motion to Five to hand over the gun, Five is already reaching into the box, and is loading the gun. It takes him a moment to figure out that he needs to reload the magazine. His hands glide effortlessly over the silver weapon, feeling and learning. Once he has completed his task, he reaims, and fires.

-

“Long day, I presume?”

Oh _hell_ no. She was not going to pull that shit with him.

Five heaves himself off of his spot next to Dolores on his bed. He glares daggers at the flamboyant woman standing at the door. 

“Give me one good reason to stay.”

The handler barks out a laugh. “Oh Five, are you telling me that your family isn't enough to keep you here?” She pulls out a long, jade cigarette holder out from.. somewhere on her person, and lights it. She blows the smoke in Five’s general direction, and smiles.

The man is furious. Since the first time since he’s arrived, he’s _angry._ He teleports so he’s inches away from her, looking up and seething with rage. He’d be nose to nose with her, had it been naught for the seven-or-so inches of height she had over him. The Handler doesn’t so much as blink, her smile cruel.

“One. Fucking. Reason.”

Her face morphed into contemplation. Then she sighs.

“After five years of service to us, you get to retire to the time of your choosing. Sound fair?”

Fair? _Fair?_ Was any of this truly fair!?

“And how many kids do you plan on having me _spat out?_ ” he snaps, fists shaking.

“Well, five, of course! Seeing that you have five years to us, and giving you ample time between each pregnancy!”

Five thinks he’s going into shock. His body now feels entirely numb all of a sudden, and he can’t keep his hands still. Yet, his anger and attitude are still intact somehow. 

“I’m- I’m too old, you know.” he tries. “That, and the fact I won’t let any one of you touch me.”

“Five,-”

“I could miscarry, it could be stillborn, it could kill me-”

“Five!”

He stops his rant, and starts to beg. “Please, please don’t.”

“Not my call, I’m afraid.” The Handler simply shrugs, taking another drag of her cigarette. “Now sit down before you give yourself a heart attack.”

Five stands his ground. “How long until… until you do it?”

“Three days.”

“Give me a week.”

“No can do, love.”

-

His three days are simultaneously the shortest and longest days of his life. He spends most of his time with Hazel, being taught how to better shoot and take care of his weapons. Five also attends several classes, that differ in topic from hand-to-hand combat, to dealing with time-jump sicknesses. He forces himself to take notes, not trusting his mind to remember every little detail. 

It’s also a hassle when it’s time to eat. He either will pick at his food, or scarf it all down to the point where he’s almost vomiting due to his small stomach. It all depends on what they happen to serve in the cafeteria. The older man avoids meat almost entirely, and looks at dairy as though it were an old foe. But bread? Sugar? Count him in. 

Five can tell Hazel’s been talking to Cha-Cha, as his words are a little too medical for his liking. 

“You know, selective eating disorder is a real thing.”

“How’s your weight recently? Your BMI?”

“Try to stay away from the salt, old timer. You don’t need hypertension on your plate too.”

If Five wasn’t sure that Hazel cared if he lived or died, he’d probably yell at the younger man. But when he goes for the kill, he sees the melancholy in his partners dark irises. _Probably from losing one too many partners._ So Five doesn’t say anything, and does as he’s told.

Five is also forced to visit Cha-Cha a minimum of three times a day, for routine check ups. She always asks the same questions, with little to no chit-chat. She stays professional and prompt, and touches him as little as she can. 

“You have high blood pressure, you know.” she says on the last visit on his last day. “What’s your alcohol intake like?” 

Five scoffs at her. “Not one damn bit your business, girlie.”

“It is if it involves your health, _old man!_ ” Five thinks, and tries to lie. “Once or twice a week.”

“Once or twice a week my ass. Everyone heard about the liqour room being raided.”

“Oh? And you know for a fact is was me?”

“I was told they had proof the door hadn’t been opened at all, acording to the tapes.” _Damn, The handler must have informed her of that._

“Fine. Hi, I’m Five, and I’m an achoholic. Is that what you wanna hear?” The old man is truly exasperated at this point, and she was only poking the bear.

“I… Yeah, I guess.” She takes another note on her paper and sets it down on her desk. “Now do you wanna hear what the plan is tomorrow, or do you wanna keep bitching?”

“Bitching, preferably.” Their eyes meet, and Five is the first to look away. “Sorry. Please, I’d like to know.”

“Alright. We’ve acquired the necessary equipment for you to be able to inseminate yourself. You should consider yourself lucky. We wouldn’t have it without The Handler.”

Oh, so he’s supposed to believe she did out of the good of her heart? Five can only imagine what Cha-Cha had to do to secure such equipment.

“I’ll need you here at eight sharp, and hopefully by the time you leave, you’ll be pregnant.”

_Hopefully, huh?_ Five thinks bitterly. He keeps his anger to himself, seeing no reason to take it out on his doctor. He stands without another word, knowing his time with the woman is up. With a dull flash of blue light, Five jumps to his private quarters. He had expected to be alone with Dolores, so he could hold her and talk to her, but there’s someone else there. He palms the gun in his hollister, ready to shoot, until he realizes it’s only Hazel. 

“Whoa there, just me, just me.” Hazel extends a hand, a glass bottle in it. “Here, I, uh, brought you something.” Five eyes the bottle, undoubtedly curious. “What is it?”

“Non-alcoholic beer. Thought it would keep ya out of the liquor room.” 

Ah. Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Five gently takes the bottle, careful not to graze Hazels fingers by accident. He swiftly opens it and brings it to his lips. After a large swig, he pulls the bottle away, out of breath. He can’t taste any difference between this drink and any cheap beer he had found before. 

“I didn’t even know this was a thing.” The elder man sits on the edge of the bed, silently inviting his partner to sit next to him. 

“Can’t stay I’m afraid, I have paperwork I need to finish.” he offers, his tone blatantly apologetic. 

“It’s fine. Go ahead, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Hazel wordlessly leaves, taking one last look at the old man. Five smiles and raises his drink to him. Hazel seems convinced, and closes the door behind him. Once the sound of his footsteps is lost in the halls, Five frowns. He carefully sets the drink next to the bed and gets down on all fours next to the bed. He sticks his hand under until he finds what he’s looking for - The glass bottle he had secured for this very moment. 

He pulls the bottle of rum out from under the bed, and opens it. Though he’s never had this particular liquor before, the second he had seen that the alcohol content was eighty proof, he knew he’d only need the one bottle.

-

“...and fuck dad! He p-probs knew this would ha- _hic-_ ppen.” He takes another shot, the liquor no longer burning in his throat. “Stupid fuckin’ know-it-all.” 

“He loved you, you know.”

Five can’t help but laugh. He laughs and laughs, until a tight cramp in his side forces him to stop. “ _Loved_ me!? Yeah, like I love a good cockroach brulé.” he huffs, rubbing the cramp out of his side. “If you’d met him, ya’d understand.” 

“I can’t understand how a parent couldn’t love their own child.”

Five looks over at Dolores, his face raw with emotion. “ ‘Cause we _weren’t_ children to h-him. We were weapons.” He looks at the bottle, contemplating taking another drink. He takes to standing, and his vision goes funky. He’s having trouble keeping up completely straight, and he’s dangerously swaying from side to side. _Okay, too much to drink for me_ Five thinks, his mind covered in a thick fog. He falls backwards back onto the bed, his equilibrium thrown off. 

“Honey, are you okay?” If she could move, she’d be running her fingers through his short, white hair. 

If he’d let her, of course.

“ ‘M fine..” he mutters, covering his eyes with his forearm. His head is starting to pound, the pain coming steadily from the back of his head. 

And then, it hits him. Five has no time to prepare for the sudden bout of nausea that washes over him, so he throws his head over the side of the bed and promptly vomits. It comes up burning and heavy, so Five is happy to expel it from his stomach. He heaves and heaves, and even after it’s all come up, he continues to heave. His chest is burning, and it takes the man only a moment to realize it's not from the drinking, but rather from fear. _No no no no no not again_ he pleads in his head. But it’s no good, as he’s already in full panic mode. 

“I can’t do this. I’m not ready yet. I don’t wanna be pregnant.” He sobs at nobody. His nose is ripe with the smell of bile, his hands clenching his stomach as he rocks back and forth. As much as he wants to see his family again, he’s sure he won’t survive this. 

“Darling, it’s going to be okay.” Dolores’ low, sultry voice snaps him back into reality somehow, and he replies. “How do you know that. How can you be so fucking calm about this!?” As much as he hates yelling at his love, he can’t seem to help himself. He immediately regrets his words, and turns to her. He expects her to start crying any second, but is surprised when he hears this instead.

“Because you are my strong, brave number Five.”

He snorts. “Brave? I’m so fucking scared, though. I- I’m not brave.”

“My darling, Bravery is not the absence of fear, but diving in head first despite your fears.”

Five contemplates her words for a moment. He thinks the word she’s looking for is _courageous_ , but they’re almost the same. But she’s right. He needs to face this head on, fear or no fear. 

“...Okay. Thank you, Dolores.”

“Anytime, my love.”

  
  
  
  
  



	4. Mission Complete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, several things. one, as soon as i write something, i instantly forget it and i have no proof reader. two, i had to google like a billion things for this stupit chapter , and i still had to wing some parts. the person that dies in this chapter is based off of a real murder case that i was too lazy to look up more detailed to, so i filled in the gaps lol and yeah, i forgot abt the eye until this chapter. enjoy

When Five dreams, he can’t tell he’s dreaming. No matter how wrong or distorted his dreams are, he can’t seem to recall the fact that it’s only a dream, and he’ll wake up. Lucid dreaming is totally lost on the old man. 

If only that was Fives only issue with dreaming. When he dreams, it’s always vivid, and all too real seeming. Perhaps that's why he can’t lucid dream in the first place. 

He’s thankful that most of his nights are completely void of any dreams, but he’s not so fortunate tonight. 

Tonight, he digs. He knows his hole needs to be at least six feet deep, so he figures he’ll dig until the walls are as tall as him, and he’ll go from there. Five doesn’t know how long he’s been digging before he realizes two things. The first is that he isn’t getting physically exhausted. It’s been a few days since he last ate, he knows that much. He should be tired as hell. The second thing he realizes is his hole won’t go any deeper than about three feet deep. No matter how hard or how much he shovels, the dirt doesn’t actually go anywhere. He quickly becomes frustrated, and throws down his shovel in defeat.

He stomps over to a nearby pile of rubble and roughly sits down upon it with a huff. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out his prized possession. The eye. The one he had retrieved from the cold, dead hand of his brother - Luther, he had assumed. He glares at the eye, as if his sharp gaze would somehow cause the eye to magically give him all the answers. 

“This is all your fault.” 

Without hesitation, he makes a tight fist around the eye, causing the glass to break and puncture his hand.

-

Five awakes in a cold sweat. How the _hell_ had he forgotten? Ignoring the twinges of pain from his head to his feet, Five pulls himself out of the bed. 

He had stored his old clothes away in the small dresser in the corner of the room, and for a very good reason. He opens the drawer a little too eagerly and finds what he’s looking for. He shoves his hand into the pocket of his raggedy pants and palms the small glass orb. He breaths out harshly, glad it’s exactly where he had left it. 

With all the craziness accompanying him these past few days, he had completely forgotten about the relic. And also of what it meant. 

The Apocalypse. Before, he had no way of returning back home. He had no fire in him, no reason to try. If he could return home, he could stop it. He had the resources, he just needed the math. If his time in his classes had taught him anything, it’s that the right numbers in the right places is how time travel functions, at least that’s how the briefcases work.

Finally, Five could breathe again. He had an idea, he just needed the rest of the pieces, and his plan would be complete. 

-

Eight o’clock couldn’t have come any faster. Though Five had woken up exceptionally early, he spent the most of his morning playing with his breakfast. At least he was able to keep down his coffee. He can feel Hazel stare at him from across the table, so he keeps his own eyes on his plate, afraid that they’ll give away plans. 

“Rough night?” he asks through a mouthful of bacon. Five shudders, thinking back. Despite his heavy drinking, he can remember the whole night. “You have no idea.”

“Well, try to eat as much as you can. You’re going to need the extra intake.”

“Don’t remind me.” It comes out harsher than he intends, but Hazel isn’t the least bit fazed at his outbursts anymore. 

He’s only able to eat about half of his plate before it’s time to leave. 

They make their way to the underground levels, Five hyper aware of every pair of eyes that passes over him. Everyone must know where they’re going, as he’s the talk of the office. It’s as though this is his walk of shame, and his destination will be his forever Hell. If only they knew what he knew.

When they reach the door, Five’s heart is caught in his throat. _It’s really happening. Huh._ His whole body is strangely still and precise, as if it were the calm before the storm. He must have waited too long to open the steel door in front of him, as Hazel moves to open the door for him. 

“Thank you.” Five whispers, and strides inside, where Cha-Cha is waiting for him. The door shuts behind him, and they’re alone together. 

“I gotta be honest with you man, I really didn’t think you we’re gonna show up.” she banters, hoping to catch him in a good swing. He makes a beeline for the gown sitting on her desk, and begins to strip. “Neither did I.” he retorts, as he dons the gown. Without her having to tell him, Five sits down on the cot and positions his legs into their respectful stir-ups. 

“Ready when you are, doctor.”

Cha-Cha is pleasantly surprised at his behavior. She had fully expected the water-works by now, knowing how traumatic the whole situation is. He must have accepted his fate, she thinks. She reaches for her tool on the table next to her and hands it out to him. Five takes notice of the large syringe in her hand, and takes it without a word.

“You’ll have to insert it into yourself. Not too deep, but not too shallow either. Empty the syringe, then lie down for half an hour. You might experience some minor cramping or bleeding, which is totally normal.”

“...That’s it?”

“Yup. Plain and simple, huh?”

It is. It really is. And for that, Five cannot be more appreciative. He takes a deep breath, holds it for a second, and breaths out. He can do this. For his family. 

He holds the syringe in his left hand, and reaches down with his right. He reaches until he’s touching the patch of hair, and reaches further down. He completely avoids his clit as he fingers his folds, gingerly spreading them as his face flushes red. It’s one thing when you touch yourself and everyone else is dead. It’s another thing entirely when there’s a younger woman watching. 

He lines the syringe up with his hole, his hands shaking. He slowly inserts it, unable to hold back a groan as the intrusion enters him. He attempts to keep his breathing even, yet utterly fails. He tries to unclench, but it’s a slow process. Once he’s sure he can take more, he pushes the tool further inside of him, until he’s sure he can’t push it in further without harming himself. He adjusts his fingers on the syringe, completely ready. He slowly unloads its contents inside of him, noting how _much_ there is. It fills his insides with warmth, and his stomach flips in his abdomen. 

He almost feels bloated, as he carefully removes the tool from inside of him. He tosses the accursed tool to the ground, caring not for it in the least. One by one, Five removes his legs from their elevated position, and lays down on his back. 

“Hey, I have to use that again, you know.” Cha-Chas words don’t hold any venom in them, only pity. 

“Needed to be washed anyway.” He retorts, his hand moving to rub his overencumbered womb. She hadn't been kidding when she said he could cramp up. He winces as the sharp pain, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by his doctor. 

“Where does it hurt and how bad?” She’s in full blown professional mode now, her hands going for her latex gloves. “Scale of one to ten.”

Five thinks for a moment, rubbing slow circles into his lower belly. “Two? Two and a half?”

Cha-Cha exhales. “Okay. That’s normal. Just lie down, and take it easy.”

So he does. He simply lies there, his hand massaging over the same spot over and over again, his cramps fading by the moment. He closes his eyes, and listens to the electricity of the bright lights over his head. He can also hear the occasional _thwip_ of paper come from the doctor’s desk, or her scurried handwriting upon said paper. He’s not sure how long it takes, but he’s eventually engulfed in a fitful sleep. 

-

The next three weeks go by in a blur. Everyday, Five would eat with Hazel, attend his classes, and visit Cha-Cha. He easily fell into the rhythm of his new life, and he realized how much he had missed the normality of it all. He hears from Hazel that their first assignment together is coming up, and Five can’t bear to wait for it any longer. He’s itching to pull the trigger, not on the practice papers in the training hall, but on an actual person. He knows how dangerous one person can be, and if they have to die, then so be it. For every person he kills, there’s a countless amount of people he saves. He’d always been the ‘bigger picture’ kind of guy.

When the day finally arrives, Five takes it head on. He shares a quick breakfast with his partner, and they’re ready to depart. 

“Remember, if you get dizzy or sick from the long jump, let me know, okay?”

“What are you, my _mom?_ ” Five bites back, eyeing the briefcase. He had considered using one for his escape plan, but quickly threw the idea out. He had no doubt they would track the damn thing and find him. He’d have to rely on his own power to get back home. And Hazel was none the wiser. 

As much as he had warmed up to his partner, Five kept his distance. No use making friends with someone who would put a bullet in Five’s brain if he was told. He felt no guilt keeping the younger man in the dark. There was no other way.

“For now, let’s say yes.” Hazel fiddles with a few knobs and buttons, eyeing the old man. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

The two men disappear from their spot in the Commission headquarters, and are thrust into time. Despite the familiar feeling of time travel, Five’s stomach rolls. He has only a second before he’s turned to his side away from Hazel, and barfs. His nausea almost strangles him as his small breakfast is introduced to the ground. He can hear a ‘shit’ come from behind him, and the telltale sound of the briefcase hitting solid ground.

Five grasps at his stomach, the nausea refusing to recede. It’s definitely been too long since his last time jump it seems. He’s still spitting up bile as a hand enters his vision, holding a small, white pill. 

“Zofran.” Hazel offers, holding the fraile pill. “Melts under your tongue, helps with the nausea.”

Five gladly accepts the pill, holding out his hand for it. The second it drops into his palm, he forces it into his mouth, and clamps his hand over it, afraid to expel it. His breathing is labored as the pill dissolves, leaving an almost sweet aftertaste behind. His stomach eventually settles, and he unclenches his whole body. 

“Thank you.” he mutters. Hazel is still hovering over him, and Five suddenly feels extremely self conscious. At this time, Five takes in his surroundings. They’re standing next to a dirt road, in what he assumes is the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere. “Where and when are we?” He spits into the dirt, the taste of bile revolting. 

“Marcum, Kentucky. 1963.”

“Okay. Which way?” 

Hazel’s head nods to the side. “Left. Nothing in between us and the Target’s home except a few houses and an old bar.”

Five’s ears perk up. “A bar?” He winces at how eager he sounds.

“We’ve got time, so why not?”

-

If he had known that they would have to walk six miles to reach the bar, Five would have reconsidered. His throat is scratchy and raw from the two times he had stopped to vomit. Even though his stomach was empty, it didn’t seem to care. Hazel had offered to take him back, and he’d continue the mission alone, Five wouldn’t allow it. Perhaps it was his fried nerves, or simply food poisoning. He waved off his partners worried looks and hovering hands, determined to finish their mission with his pride intact. 

The second the bar is in view, Five teleports the two of them as close as he can without being seen from the front. They make their way inside, and take their seats at the bar. There’s only two other customers, each nursing their respective drinks, and one man behind the bar. He steadily approaches the two men, obviously bored out of his mind. He welcomes them with an inviting smile. 

“Howdy. What’s yer poison, fellas?”

Hazel is quick to answer, his voice cool and warm. “Heya. Uh, Whiskey for me, and a near-beer for my partner here.”

The stranger eyes Five, his gaze curious. Five let’s no emotion show on his face. 

“Sure thing. Gimme one sec fellas.”

As the waiter leaves out of earshot, Five leans in towards the younger man. “Whiskey, huh? You sure that’s a good idea, being on the job and all?” he teases, his nausea finally abating somewhat. 

“Quiet, or you’re getting water instead.”

That shuts him up. The man returns with a glass in one hand and an open bottle in the other, and places them in front of the gentlemen. “Here ya go, boys. Drink up.” The two men simultaneously drink, Hazel taking a sip, and Five nearly downing his entire bottle. Which he realizes is a horrible idea once it hits his stomach. He slaps a hand over his mouth, and breathes rapidly through his nose. Okay, something was definitely wrong. The time travel, he could understand. He could even understand the walking after said time travel. But _beer?_ His second true love, and only confidant? He felt betrayed, and not only by his body.

“Whoa man, you good?”

Hazel leaps out of his seat and grabs the nearest trash can. He almost doesn’t make it before Five is spewing his guts out one more time. At least this time he has something non solid to throw up. 

They’ve caught the attention of the other patrons of the bar now. Hazel faces the man behind the bar, and sincerely apologizes. “Sorry man, I think he has food poisoning. Complained about his breakfast all morning. Don’t worry, I’m taking him home now.”

Five’s heart lunges. “No! ‘m fine, I’m fine.” He can’t leave now, not on his first mission. He holds the can tightly to his chest, afraid to let go. “Just… no more drinks.” He’s surprised at how soft his voice is. He’d never been dysphoric about his voice, having been graced with a rather neutral in-between tone. But now, his voice sounds squeaky and raw in his own ears. 

“Seriously, old timer, we’re done here.” He turns his head back to behind the bar. “Thank you. I’ll pay and we’ll be on our way.” 

“No, Haze-”

“Five. Now.” 

Before Hazel can latch onto his arm, Five is running to the door. He throws the door open and darts out of sight of any onlookers, and blinks. Hazel is too late, the bar keep yelling after them as they both head out the door, and the split second he needed to grab the briefcase he had placed under his chair. 

“Mother of-” _No,_ Hazel thinks, _have to keep cool. He’s obviously going to the targets house, but he has a head start on me. Fuck! Dammit!_

-

By the time Five reaches the house, he feels like he’s on death’s door. He can only jump about half a mile at a time, and it takes him three miles until he’s at the first house he sees. He’s sweaty and out of breath, yet he’s too tired to throw up. So instead he inspects the white farm house in front of him. It’s a decent size, and it even comes with a porch. _Homey,_ he thinks, walking straight up to the door. He peeks inside via the glass pane on the door. The house is dark and silent. Good. 

He jumps inside, making no sound other than the telltale _swoosh_ of his spatial jump. He pauses, and listens. When he hears nothing in return, he continues forward. He wanders from room to room, his eyes finally adjusting to the pitch black, until he discovers what he’s looking for - stairs.

He peers around the bend, looking up the staircase. He doesn’t risk walking up the stairs, and warps to the top of the stairs. He’s almost there, he can smell it. He ignores the pangs of exhaustion wrecking havoc across his entire body. When he tastes bile come up his throat, he forcefully swallows it. He’s almost there.

Five stops and listens again, and once more, gets nothing in return. He lets out a jittery sigh, and continues his mission, his hand palming his weapon. He silently stalks down the dark hallway, peering into each door as he passes it. After finding the bathroom and a linen closet, he peers into what he can only assume is the master bedroom. He removes his weapon from it’s holster, not making a peep. It’s now or never. 

Five glides across the room, distributing his weight evenly across the floor, as to not make a sound. Five thanks the stars that there’s carpet in this room, and not some creaky floorboards. His gaze falls on the man sleeping before him.

Ben McCollum. The name was just about all he knew coming into this mission. He knew nothing of his life, his morals, or his family. And truthfully, he didn’t care. He aims for the mans head, his hands unsteady. He closes his eyes, and fires two shots into the man’s skull. When he opens his eyes to observe his handy work, his reaction is a lot less... numb than he expects. Sure, he had killed people before, but nothing this extreme or violent. Yet, Five can’t look away as the mans once white pillow is now seeping, almost black in the dark. 

Five doesn’t know what to do now. He supposes all he can do is wait for Hazel to show up. He’d be lucky if Hazel decided not to leave him stranded in this random bum-fuck, out-in-the-middle-of-nowhere town for leaving him behind like that. He feels the exhaustion take over as his adrenaline is no longer pumping. He drags his body away from his bloody crime, and his legs take him in the direction of the bathroom he had seen on the way in.

He turns the faucet as hot as he can and places his hands under the running water. It’s scalding hot, just the way he likes it. He splashes cold water on his face and looks into the mirror. He hadn’t bothered to turn on the light, even though he was now the only person occupying the house at the moment. His reflection is dark, despite the moonlight filtering through the small window in the bathroom. Five stares at his wrinkled, aged face, and sighs. _I’m getting too old for this shit._

So he sits on the toilet lid, and waits for Hazel to show up. 

It takes about half an hour for Hazel to reach his destination. By the time he reaches the door, he’s winded. He takes a few moments to recuperate, and smashes the window in with his elbow. He pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket, and uses it to unlock the door from the inside. Once he’s in, he scopes out the place.

“Five!” he calls out, sure his target is deceased. “Where are you?” He hears a loud groan from upstairs, and hurries up the stairs. He’s met with the sight Five sitting on the toilet in a dark bathroom, and even with what little light he has’ he can tell Five is struggling. All the anger and harsh words fly out of Hazel in an instant. 

“What are you doing?” Hazel can’t help but ask.

“F-figh-t-ting off the n-nausea.” he sputters through clenched teeth. 

Poor thing. “And McCollum?” 

“Dead.”

Hazel lets out a sigh of relief. “Okay, good. Uh, give me a few.” He retreats out of the bathroom, Five’s eyes following him. He waits, and jumps out of his skin when he hears a loud crash come from one of the opposing rooms. He listens to Hazel rummage through each individual room, turn over furniture, and break valuables. He returns with a wad of cash, and a small jewelry box, the contents unknown to the older man. 

“What were you doing?”

“Making it look like a break in. What else?” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a sandwich sized plastic bag. He inserts the cash, but not the box, seeing as the box happens to be bigger than the bag, and returns it to his pocket. 

“Time to go, old timer.” Hazels lifts the briefcase in the air, signaling for him to hold on. Five tenderly stands up, testing the waters. He doesn’t feel like he’s going to keel over, so he grabs onto the briefcase, mentaly preparing himself for the jump. It’s just as rattling as the first time, but he bites back at his sickness. 

He fully expects them to appear directly into Cha-Cha’s examination room, but is pleasantly surprised that they’re both standing in Five’s current living quarters. He stumbles to the bathroom, not trusting himself to warp anymore. He’s too damn _tired_ to do any more warping. His eyes land on the edge of the sink, and he freezes. 

There are exactly three pregnancy tests sitting on the sink, as though they had been sitting there since before he left. His body moves before his brain does. He slams the door shut, perhaps a little too harshly, and grabs the first test. He practically absorbs the directions on the box, and follows them to a tee. He undoes his belt and drops trouser when he hears the rapid knocking at the door.

“Uh, Five? Hello?” Hazels voice is nervous and strained. “You have to throw up again?”

“N-no… I’m fine.”

“Like hell you are! I just spent the past several hours watching you get so sick from having to make your kill!”

Oh. _Oh._ So that’s what Hazel thinks it is. Pure nerves. It hasn’t dawned on him yet. He holds the newly unwrapped test in his hands, and sighs.

“Hazel, it- it’s not that at all.” He pushes his hand between his legs, and forces himself to urinate. He hasn’t been drinking much as of lately, so he figures he only has one chance to dawn any light upon the situation. “It’s me.”

A pause. Then, “What do you _mean,_ it’s ‘you’?”

He retrieves his hand and the test, and gingerly sets it back on the sink. He has two minutes before his whole world changes. Five swiftly redresses, and flushes the toilet behind him. 

“Five? I thought you weren’t puking? Hey, let me in. Please.” 

‘Tis the ‘please’ that catches his attention. He sadly looks to the door, and thinks of his day with his companion. Despite the fact that he had embarrassed him at a bar, and left him in the middle of nowhere, and ignoring his direct orders. Though they were partners, Hazel had an unspoken ‘higher-up’ vibe about him that was obvious to anyone within a mile of them. And yet here he was, on the opposite side of the door, pleading with him to open it. He knows he won’t be punished, so then what was he so afraid of?

“Five, if you don’t come out in three seconds, I’m leaving to get The Handler and Cha-Cha. One-”

Hazel jumps back as the door opens in front of him. “God, anything but that.”

“Jesus, Five, warn a guy next time!” He clamps a hand over his heart, steadying his breathing once more. “Now… what’s wrong? Seriously?”

Five can’t stop the words from spilling out of his mouth. “I think I’m pregnant.”

Silence. He wishes he could take back the words as soon as he says them. “I-I mean, I..” He can’t think of how he can save himself now. Who knows what’ll happen when the news reaches The Handler. 

“Wait, are you sure?” 

Five’s fears are replaced with a burning anger. “Am I sure? Am I _sure?_ Of course I’m not fucking sure!! ‘I think’ does not mean ‘I know’, Hazel!” Hazel doesn’t deserve this, and Five knows it. Hazel just happens to be the closest person to him that he can explode on. 

“Well sorry for letting me try to do my job!” Hazel retorts, his voice only half the volume of Fives. The words sting much harsher than Hazel had meant. _His job._ That’s right. Five was nothing more to him than a paycheck and the chance to retire in time. He needed to remember that. 

“Shit, your nose is bleeding.” So that’s where the taste of pennies was coming from. He reaches up and touches his upper lip, his fingers bright red as they recoil. “Hey, no, get a tissue. Here.” He retrieves the handkerchief and holds it out to the elder man. When unsteady hands grasp merely inches away from the outstretched cloth, Hazels starts to panic. “Five?”

“ ‘M woozy.” Is all he can muster before he begins to sway on his feet. Hazel has to make a decision, and fast. Either let the potentially pregnant man crumple to the ground, or catch him and risk the man going into a panic. He picks the lesser of two evils, and wraps his hands around the elders biceps. When he only gets a small whimper out of Five, he knows this is serious. His instincts take over, and he’s supernaturally calm. He pulls the man from the small bathroom, making sure Five isn’t tripping over his own feet as they move together. He pushes the older man down by his shoulders onto the bed, then pushes his head downward, only to feel the man become stiff beneath his hand.

“Head between your legs, old timer. Deep breaths in through the nose and out the mouth.”

He listens to Hazel, wanting to be over this dizzy spell as fast as humanly possible. He bends as far forward as his arthritis will let him, and tries to control his breathing. His blood is so loud in his ears, he almost doesn’t hear when Hazel speaks to him again.

“Any better?”

Five can only groan in response.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’, then.”

A few minutes pass, then a few more. Five is only prolonging the inevitable at this point. He takes his hand off of his knee and waves it in the general direction of the bathroom. “Test.”

“What?”

“Sink. On the sink.”

“...oh.” Oh is right.

He can’t see as Hazel silently walks to the bathroom to retrieve the test. His gut wrenches at the thought of another person knowing before him. Hazel clears his throat, and Five carefully raises his head, his vision not fully returned yet. His head screams at him as he focuses his eyes. 

He’s only a foot away from the test, gripped tightly in his fist, so as to naught show the results. 

“Here, take it. I touched the whole thing and I need to wash my hands.”

He.. didn’t look at it. Five takes the clean side of his stick in his boney fingers and slips it out of the younger mans grip. He ignores Hazel, who leaves the room, leaving Five alone with the offending piece of plastic. 

Five stares at the test, unimpressed. He continues to stare, as if the test will change if he willed it. But, alas, it stares back at him, unchanging. 

He throws the test as far away from him as he can, and it clunks softly against the wall and falls to the floor. 

He moves his head back in between his legs, his chest wracked with silent sobs. 

  
  



	5. Sickness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> actually happy with how i ended this chapter actually. also, i have little idea as to where this is going, so ill take any and all suggestions if theres anything yall specifically wanna see in this story :3
> 
> also, five/a literal mannequin is my straight otp dont touch me dont fucking touch me

As Five goes to pull his head out of the toilet, he’s hit with another bout of nausea, and his head returns back to its original position. He’s becoming more and more familiar with the porcelain bowl, much to his disdain. 

Why it was called morning sickness, Five would never know. One moment he's totally fine, and the next he’s heaving. And it creeps up on him at any damn time of the day. Five sighs deeply, his cheek resting on the seat. He had thoroughly cleaned the seat and floor several times since his tantrum began, so he’s almost not grossed out by it. Almost.

The man had efficiently locked himself in his room, for three whole days. How he had gotten away with it, Five wasn’t sure. The morning after their mission, the old man simply ignored every knock and voice that came to his door. He’d ignore their words until they gave up, left, and eventually sent someone else in their steed. 

The first day, it was The Handler rapping at his door.

He thinks she talks for a good ten minutes before he hears the distinct clack of her heels down the hall, completely unnerved at her lack of trying. 

The second day, Five has his head in the toilet when he hears Hazels distinctive knock at the door. Had he not been so sick, he might have given in and opened the door for him. Until he hears the man’s voice, that is.

“Five, I need to talk to you. Please, open the door for-” Aaaaaand, he tunes him out. He tries to keep his purging muffled, but he can’t help but hack and cough. He hopes- no, he _prays_ Hazels can’t hear it through the two sets of doors, but it’s useless, as the knocking starts up again, more frantic than before. He ignores it entirely, and though it takes four times longer for the younger man to leave, and Five is left laying on the bathroom floor, wallowing in his self pity.

The third day, Five is abruptly awakened to an unfamiliar pounding at his door. He checks The Handler’s watch for the time, not surprised by the fact that it’s almost six in the morning. Oh, it’s personal now. He’d rather be caught masturbating than be woken so early in the morning, what with his stomach keeping him up in the late hours of the night, until he passes out from pure exhaustion. 

“Five, It’s Cha-Cha. Let me in.”

Well, that explains the punctual timing at least. But, this is his _doctor_ at his door. So at first, he tries to listen to her. He really does. But her hushed words are lost on deaf ears, as he can’t bring himself to focus on every word. He only catches the words ‘blood-pressure’ once, but he also catches the word ‘hypertension’ thrice. He listens, until realizes that she has stopped her rant. He waits for the sound of her dress shoes on the linoleum tiles, but they never come.

“Five, I’m worried about you. And the baby.”

_Baby?_ Five scoffs inwardly. _It’s barely a fetus at this point. It’s not a baby…… not yet._

The thought sends a shiver down his old spine. He swallows his anger (with a tish of bile) and covers his ears with his pillow. He’s done listening. 

And thus we return to the fourth day, as Five washes his face in the sink. When he’s well and over his tantrum, he’ll have to speak with Cha-Cha about his morning sickness. 

Then, the knocking starts. It’s quite similar to the Handler’s rappid knocks, but not identical. 

Five is getting utterly frustrated at the whole ordeal. Surely this can’t continue, person after person, begging him to ‘come out’ and ‘eat with us Five, you must be starving’ and ‘ hey Five, now the whole damn world knows you're pregnant!’

First of all, he’d come out when he was damn good and ready. Second of all, surely they weren’t so stupid that they hadn’t noticed the food supplies disapearing from the pantries in the wee hours of the night. And third- well, fuck it. He’s working himself up too much to continue his train of thought as he strides directly for the door. “I _thought_ I had made it pretty clear, stay the FUCK-” Five inturpts himself as the door swings open, not to reveal the Handler, but a much shorter girl, whom Five had never seen before. 

“...Oh.”

The girl- no, _woman_ stands with her arms crossed, a huge smile plastered on her face. 

“Mornin’, luv.” She snaps her gum between her teeth before she prattles on. “For real though, I didn’t even have to stand out here for an hour beggin’ ya to come out.” Her massive smile somehow gets even wider. “Yay meeee.”

“I’m sorry, but who the hell are you?” Despite his sour words and worsening attitude, the woman in front of him is unfazed. She strides past him into the room uninvited, and Five audibly huffs.

“Sure, come on in! Whatever!” His attention turns back to her, and her attention is apparently caught in her nose, her hand waving in front of her face. “Woof! Smells like vomit in here.” 

Five winces at the comment, not having noticed. When he’s sick, more often than not, it also comes out his nose. He’d assumed the smell had engraved itself in his sinus’ permanently, though that wasn’t the case after all. “Sorry.” 

“No issue tissue. Lila, by the way. Lila Pitts.” She extends her waving hand towards him. Before Five can awkwardly react to her display, her hand shoots back. “Ah, shit. You're the ‘no touch’ kinda guy. Here let me start over. She snorts, and ever- so gracefully spits into her hand, before extending it again. “Lila Pitts, at your service.”

“Lovely. I’m not interested. Get out.” 

The woman stands her ground despite his unwelcoming aura. 

“Tut tut, your majesty. Is that anyway to behave to your new partner?”

And with that, all his anger flies out the window. 

“Partner? Who said anything about a new partner?”

Lila finally lowers her arm to her side, and ungracefully wipes her hand off on her sweater. 

“Uh, everyone did. Every time they came to talk to you, actually. Didn’t you listen at all?”

The lie flies off of his tongue before he has time to think about it. “I wasn’t here.” He keeps his eyes and voice steady. “I was out.”

“Out? Out _where_ exactly?” 

“None of your business.”

“Actually it is now. Tell me.”

“Fine, I left for the next town over.”

“Why?”

“To get away from you people.” 

“How’d you get there?”

“Teleported.”

“Then who was here, spilling their guts when Hazel came to check up on you?”

“It was- fuck.” So he _had_ heard him. “Fine, you caught me. Didn’t leave, didn’t listen.”

He scratches his ear and averts his eyes, shame washing over him over the stupid white lie. 

“Oh. My. God.”

When Five looks back at Lila’s face, she has both hands covering her mouth. 

“What. What’s wrong?”

“You sly old fox, you! Betcha it’s the pregnancy hormones keepin’ you locked up in here, huh?” He giggles like a schoolgirl, flapping her hands wildly in the process. “Ew ew ew gross gross gross!” 

Five pauses. Then it dawns on him. His usually pale skin turns bright pink at her words. As much as he wants to kill this woman, he decides not to. He didn’t need the entire Temps Agency on his ass, pregnant or otherwise. 

“Leave, or I will.” he tries.

“Where you gonna go, back to your creepy sex dungeon? Uber kinky.”

He doesn’t want to hear another word. Thank God he’s memorized the layout of the compound, as he knows exactly where he wants to warp to.

“Do you think tha-”

Five jumps before she can finish. He’s now standing directly in front of the Handler’s desk. She looks up from her paperwork and beams at him.

“Five! What a pleasant surprise! Come over here dear, sit, sit!” She swiftly stands and pulls the lush chair out for him. “It seems that Lila accomplished her little task. Where is she now?”

Five eyes the chair, but decides not to sit. “Yeah about that. Could you please remove that- that blistering headache out of my room now?”

“Why, so you can go back to ignoring us? I don’t think so.” She returns to her seat, and continues scratching away at the paper in front of her.

Alright then, he’ll try a different angle. “Is it true that Hazel isn’t my partner anymore?”

“Yup. He confessed to your little incident during your mission. You need a better fit, and I think Lila is that person.”

His stomach lurches at the thought of her. He swallows hard, knots forming in his belly. 

“No, don’t punish Hazel for my mistakes. It was me who disrespected his direct orders.” 

“Oh I’m well aware of your actions. It’s you, dear boy, who is being punished here.” 

Five is tiring fast, and he knows his stomach will be the next to betray him. He has one more shot to get rid of Lila, so he goes for it. “I won’t make the same mistake twice. Give m- I mean, Give Hazel a second chance… please.” 

The scratching stops all of a sudden. Five thinks he’s got her on his hook. _Now reel her in._

“Besides, Lila raises my blood-pressure and I’m already at risk of hypertension.” He reaches up and pinches the bridge of his nose for effect. 

She tosses her pen in his general direction, obviously bored with her work. “Fine. I’ll send Lila back on her current mission then. One more slip-up and you’re stuck with her. Not like I care, I’m the only damn person who does any damn paperwork around here! Saves me from having to fill out, like, eight whole forms. Now scram, I have work to do.” She pulls a second pen from out of seemingly nowhere, and the scratching continues. Five figures she’s finished, and moves to warp, before he backtracks. “Thank you, by the way.”

“Didn’t do it for you, love.”

He wonders if she means Hazel or Lila, and shakes his head. He warps back to his room to make sure the strange woman hadn’t decided to stay, and in an instant, a moment too late, he wishes he had just taken the stairs. He knows he won’t make it to the bathroom, and he unceremoniously barfs directly onto the carpet in front of him. _Shit._ It had been a bitch to clean out the first time, and it will be a bitch to do it again.

He hears a woman’s giggle, and groans in response. “Are you still here?”

“Uh, oof, are _you?_ Looks like you just lost half your weight on the floor there.”

“OUT!” he snaps, grabbing at her sweater. Once he had a tight hold on the fabric, he _yanks._ Five may be short, but his body is pure muscle. She yelps as he drags her by the sleeve, straight for the door, and tosses her into the hallway. 

“Ack! Hands off the merchandise, bitch! This is brand spanki-”

He slams the door as fast as he can, and re-locks it. His stomach pangs painfully, being utterly empty. _There has to be something wrong_. Why else all these wasted meals? He could tell he was rapidly dropping weight because his suits had (somehow) fit him near perfect when he had first arrived, but now they were starting to get a little too loose. 

He had to see Cha-Cha.

-

She’s only a few minutes into her lunch break when the door opens behind her without warning, causing her to jump in her seat and spill her coffee directly into her lap. Thank God it hadn’t been hot, it was just leftover from her breakfast. It doesn’t stifle her irritation though. 

“Whoever you are, you need to knock first!” She heads for a sink in the left corner of the room, hoping to save her scrubs. “I could have been with a patient, you know!” She scrubs the coffee out of her sea green clothing, knowing she’ll probably have to change now. She suspects it’s Hazel again, coming to ask her if she had any updates on Five.

When she turns around, she’s shocked to see Five standing in the doorway instead of Hazel. “Well well well. The brat finally decided to be a big boy instead of throwing a big, fat tantrum?”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever.” _Whatever will keep the food inside him._

Five closes the door, and walks calmly to the familiar cot. “I need help.” he offers, eyes glued to the floor.

“With what?” Her voice no longer stings like poison, but rather strong and solid, like a brick wall, her professionalism kicking in. 

“I...I can’t keep anything down. Any time I put something in me, it just comes back up. I can’t stand it any longer.” 

“How often?”

Five doesn’t need to think hard to answer. “At least five times a day.” He starts to pick at a hangnail, keeping his voice so low that Five is surprised he can hear it himself. “One day, twice as much.” 

“Jesus Christ, Five! How much do you weigh right now!?” She wants nothing more than to grab the man by the shoulders and shake him until he begs her to stop. 

When he silently refuses to answer, she sees red. 

She marches straight up to him and grabs him tightly by the wrist. He tries to yell out, but his voice catches in his throat. He tries to yank his hand back, but her grip is strong as steel.

Damn his body. He’d be better off without it. 

“Now listen here, punk. I’m less than a year away from retirement. If either you or your child dies, Cha-Cha goes bye-bye. Understand?” 

Five can only violently nod in return, his wrist burning. He tries one more time to yank back his limb, and she finally releases her grip on him. He cradles it in his chest, his opposite arm wrapped tightly over his abdomen. 

This doesn’t go unnoticed. “Are you in pain?”

“No.”

“Then what’s wrong then?”

Five opens his mouth, and instead of words, emits a wet sob. Five makes no motion to wipe his tears as they fall, his arms tight around himself. “ I’m just.. just tired is all.” He’s not lying about that. He’s reached his breaking point for the day, and it wasn’t even noon yet. How pathetic. 

“Of?”

He huffs. “Of being sick, what else?” He rubs his eyes hard, and he sees spots. 

“Okay then. That, I can help with. Have you ever heard of Ondansetron before?”

“Nope.”

“You probably know it by its generic names, like Zofran or Zuplenz.”

He thinks back to the dissolvable pill Hazel had given him on their mission.

“Won’t work. Puked right through it.”

Cha-Cha’s eyes grow the size of dinner plates at that. “That’s… very impressive, and very worrying.”

“Why?”

“Because it sounds like you have Hyperemesis Gravidarum.”

“Which is…?”

“A severe form of morning sickness.”

Cha-Cha leaves his side and returns with a needle in hand. “I need a blood sample, just to rule out anything else.”

Five holds out a wrinkled, arthritic hand outwards, the needle being set in his palm. Since his father had branded them all save for Vanya, he hadn’t been afraid of needles one bit. He remembered the pressure and the vibration of the machine, and he remembered how scabbed and raw his ink had become the following hours. Apparently, picking at a tattoo scab can remove the ink from your skin, ruining the tattoo. As soon as his wrist healed, he was subjected to the branding a second time. He remembers clenching so hard at the pain of the machine over the raw, healing skin, that he had almost passed out.

His father would probably have laughed at him, if he could see him now, lining the needle up to his vein, his hands shaking. He somehow gets the vein on the first prick, and fills the syringe. 

Five holds the needle back out and the weight disappears from his palm, her gloved hands never coming in contact with his skin.

“I’ll send this to the lab as soon as possible. While we wait-” She stops at the audible _whoosh_ and a flash of blue and eyes the now empty cot.

“... or not.”

-

Five searches high and low for Hazel. When he searches every hall, bathroom and storage closet and comes up empty handed, he heads straight to the mess hall. The second he opens the doors leading from the west of the dining hall, a scent washes over him in tides.

_Meat._ Five gags as he throws a hand over his nostrils. His eyes burn at the intruding nausea returns. He can’t do it. He has to retreat for now. He backs out of the hall, and he starts heading back to his quarters. One flight of stairs and three turns and he would be safe, safe from the smells and horrors of this accursed base. He moves as fast as he can without jerking his abused stomach around. 

When he goes to pass the sharp curve of the first turn, he runs into someone. He should have paid better attention to his surroundings, he muses. Despite the solid force, Five doesn’t make a sound as he collides into his partner.

“Omf! Jesus. what the- Five!”

Five stumbles backwards, turns his head, and promptly vomits.

-

The next thing he knows, he’s lying on his back, with a cold washcloth over his forehead. He begins to panic, his hands flailing to feel for his surroundings. He’s on a bed, that much he can decipher. His hands feel until they land on plastic- and Five’s panic disappears.

He grabs Dolores from his left and moves her so she’s laying by his side, and wraps his arm around her. 

“How do you feel?” she asks, her tone soft.

“I’m okay.” he lies, clenching his teeth. While he's no longer plagued by his nausea for the moment, he’s exhausted to his core.

“Like hell you are.” It’s not Dolores who speaks this time. It’s Hazel. Five’s head shoots up from his place on the pillow and his eyes land on the edge of the bed. “You passed out. Had to carry you back to your room. Scared the hell out of me.”

“Then why didn’t you call Cha-Cha?” Five isn’t sure how long he was out, but he figures it wouldn’t take long at all for his doctor to arrive.

Hazel’s argument dies on his tongue. He didn’t come here to argue with the elder man.

When Five is sure Hazel won’t respond, he tries to lift himself off the bed, only to have a hand pressed to his clothed chest, pushing him down. 

Even though there’s no skin on skin contact, fear bubbles through Five. He quickly slaps the hand away as rough as his weak body will let him.

“Don’t _touch_ me.” he hisses. 

Hazel’s hand recoils, and he looks down, as though in shame. “Sorry. But seriously, take it easy.”

“What time is it?” Five groans, absentmindedly rubbing at his now empty stomach. 

“Don’t change the subject, old timer.” he eyes Five’s abdomen, undoubtedly curious.

“I’m not. Need to eat now or never.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Hazel stands, eyes never leaving Fives belly.

“I just did. Just now.”

Hazel huffs loudly. “What do you want then?”

Five thinks of what he can eat that he might be able to keep down. “A sandwich. Marshmallow and peanut butter. Please.”

Without another word Hazel stalks to the door and exits, leaving Five alone with his love. He looks at her pale skin, thinking about how little he’s spoken to her since he’d found out he was pregnant. Whenever she would try to bring it up, he would either change the subject or ignore her entirely. She never pushed too hard, and for that Five was grateful. But now, he had to talk. He had to talk to someone, and who better than the one person who knew him the best?

“...I’m so sorry, Dolores. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Whatever for, my love?” Oh, so this was how she was going to be. Making him actually say it aloud. Damn her.

“For being a bad lover. I’ve been neglecting you. It’s not fair.” His words are steady and emotionless, though Five feels the opposite. “I need to take better care of you from now on.”

“Oh, on the contrary, my dear. It is I who needs to take better care of you.”

“What?”

“Don’t you remember what I said to you when we met?” Five does. In fact, he remembers it as though it had happened just yesterday.

“ ‘I’m here to be your one, the one who you can confide in, and the one who will be her new love’s best friend.’ Yeah, of course I remember.”

“Then what, pray tell, is a best friend supposed to do as she watches her love suffer in silence? As he suffers as though he were alone in this world? What the hell am I supposed to do, Five?” She’s practically begging him at this point, her voice no longer soft and steady. 

“I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared for you, my love. I can’t stand to watch you go through this alone.”

Five reaches for her hand, and carefully grasps it in his own. Her ‘skin’ doesn’t burn him, bot like real skin. Hers is smooth and cool, with the occasional nick or crevice from her years in the End. He had done his best to protect her from the elements, wanting to keep her as long as he possibly could. He uses his free can to cup the back of her neck, closing the distance between them until he’s nose to nose with her, and stares deep into her unmoving, knowing eyes. 

“Marry me.” The words escape Fives lips before he has a chance to think.

“What?”

“Marry me. Be my wife. I’m serious.”

“Honey… I don’t know what to say.”

“Say ‘I do’ then.” His voice is thick with emotion.

“Why?” She asks, “Why me? Why not anyone else?”

“Because it’s _you._ You kept me sane and strong for so many years, you were the only one I could talk to. You were right, you are my best friend. And my one true love. I wouldn’t have anyone else.” 

Five can hear her inhale sharply, thinking his words over. He strokes her wrist, then clasps his hand in her outstretched one.

“I do, then.”

Fives breath hitches. He can’t remember the last time he had been this ecstatic. His head is light as air, and he feels a calmness over him. He pulls away gently, much to Dolores’ dismay, but hushes her. With his hand never leaving hers, he reaches over the bed and presses his fingers in between the two mattresses until he finds what he’s looking for. He pulls out the stashed blade and turns back to Dolores. “May I?”

She hums in agreement as he brands the knife. “Sorry in advance.”

He takes the blade to her ring finger and carves an ‘X’ into it as gently as he can muster. When he’s finished, he blows on it to clear off the dust. He then takes the blade in his own hand and turns to his own ring ringer. He ignores the sharp pain as he carves into his own flesh, making his own ‘X’. When he’s finished, he brings his hand to his lips and laps up the blood with his tongue. 

He turns his attention back to Dolores, who is focused on her own hand. He swiftly returns the blade back to it’s hiding place, eager to hold his wife again. His _wife._ He’s all too giddy over the word, almost feeling high. He gingerly places a kiss to her cold lips, and speaks.

“Guess we’re in this together, forever and ever.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”


	6. Congrats! (for all the wrong reasons)

It’s not even a month later that Five notices the bulge in his belly. He’s in the shower when he notices it, the soap slathered over his nude form. He presses a hand to the offending area, and presses down lightly. It’s hard as a rock, not at all like the softness that comes with weight gain. He quickly rinses the soap off of him and stumbles out of the shower, and heads straight towards the mirror above the sink. He turns to the side, trying to gauge how big he looks. It’s a subtle thing, the bulge. If he covered it with his palm, it would effectively cover the mass altogether. But the thought doesn’t bring Five any joy. He knows he’ll continue to grow and grow, until it will be impossible to hide.

He turns his gaze away from the mirror, sick to his stomach, and not from morning sickness. He towels off and redresses in a fresh suit and leaves the bathroom, hopeful to leave his fear behind. His eyes land to Dolores, who is propped against his pillow.

“How are you feeling, my incredible husband?”

Five will never tire of the word. “Better. Clean. And I’m actually hungry today.” Unfortunately for him, Cha-Cha had been correct in her assumptions. When her test came back with no sign of anything else that could cause the nausea, she diagnosed the older man with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, a severe form of morning sickness. Just his luck. 

Because of Five’s sickness, the Handler had given him three things. The first was a tracking device embeded in his lower arm. The second was unrestricted access to the lower levels of the compound, which was where the training areas were. He needed decent but minimal exercise to keep his body strong, probably thinking the exercise will somehow help with the illness. The third thing was deskwork. He was no longer allowed to go on missions, his first (and last) proving to the Handler that he wasn’t ready. He would be on deskwork until further notice, which to Five translated to ‘until after the baby’s born’. 

“That’s so good to hear! I’m so happy for you!” If her words didn’t say that she was ecstatic, her voice did.

Despite his wifes elated mood, he can’t find it in himself to replicate the feeling.

“I think I’m showing.” He mutters under his breath, just barely hoping she couldn’t hear him.

“Showing? Showing what?”

Without answering, Fives hand lands on his lower belly. 

“Oh, honey. Come here.”

Five climbs onto the bed, scooching her a bit to the side, giving him ample room to lay next to her.

“Tell me what’s on your mind then.”

If she could move, Five knew her fingers would pet themselves through his short, white hair. 

“I think… I’m not as opposed to the idea as I once was.” He starts. “Of… having a child.”

“Oh? And why’s that dear?” her voice pleasantly surprised. 

“Because I know you'll help me through it.”

Five thinks back to his plan. He was going to stay and collect information, math to be specific, to teach himself to control his time-traveling ability. He figures it will only take a few short months to figure out his equation, before the baby is due. This is where the arguments start.

Five, as much as he had hated the idea, had originally planned to give birth in the large compound, and once he was recovered he’d make his escape. It didn't go well with Dolores when he suggested it. It was the angriest he had ever seen her. She howled at him, calling him selfish and cruel. And he yelled back, telling her she had no idea what she was even talking about. They didn’t speak for two days after that.

Then, he thought about it. If he gave birth to a child that could time travel like him, and it was given to the commission? He couldn’t stop dreaming of a faceless assassin appearing in his room with a blue flash and putting a bullet through Fives brain.

Once Five shares these dreams to Dolores, she apologizes over and over, not having been her intention. So they talk about it, and they decide together: Once Five has the formula down, no matter how far along he is, he’ll travel through time, to a time before the Apocalypse, and thwart it. Of course, he’ll need the help of his siblings, so he’ll also have to travel back to the Academy. 

Spacial jumping was one thing. Time travel was another thing. But Spacetime warping? It was something Five was even sure he could do. That was, until he hears Dolores speak to him in such a calm tone, Five is sure she can somehow see into the future.

“It’s going to be okay, because I know you can do it, love.”

So Five is left with the realization that he’ll have to leave her behind when it’s time. She quickly shuts that shit down, informing him that all he has to do is find her in that time. He does know where to look, after all. 

“I’ll be waiting for you, my husband.” She informs him. Five believes her, wholeheartedly. 

Which leaves him here, sitting on his bed, and talking to Dolores.

“Of course I’m going to help you through it. What, you think I’m going to be waiting outside?”

Five chuckles, a coldness creeping up his spine.

“No, I don’t. I expect you there every step of the way actually.”

“And I will be, honey.”

What Five asks next catches her completely off guard. “I’ll have to keep the baby, won’t I?”

His entire back is stiff with fear. If she notices him clench up, she doesn’t say.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Allison’s daughter doesn’t have any powers, but what if this one does?” Five only knows that Allison had a child after reading Vanya's book, once mentioning the child, but never by name in order to protect her identity. Though, with Allison’s fame and all, he doubted that mattered much. 

“Darling, I-”

“I’m not ready to be a dad, Dolores, I’m too broken and old.”

He’s starting to panic now. His breathing becomes labored and he clenches his hands in the fabric or his shirt, just above his navel. Her sharp tone breaks him free from his panic when she speaks next.

“Five! I know you're scared, but you have to remember that you are _not_ broken. You’ve been through a lot, sure, but it’s only made you a stronger man.” She takes a moment to pause.

“If you do break, I’ll be here to glue the pieces back together for you. Try to remember that.”

She always knows just what to say. He smiles.

“You didn’t argue the ‘old’ part you know.”

She laughs. “Because you are old darling. You’re an old soul for sure. That’s not a bad thing.”

-

When he tells Cha-Cha about his distended navel, she doesn’t play dumb like Dolores.

“On your back, lift up your shirt. Quick.”

He doesn’t understand the urgentness in her voice. Was there something wrong with him? Was there something wrong with the baby? He watches fretfully as she rolls a machine next to him, reading his face like a book.

“It’s an ultrasound machine. Time to take a look.”

When his stomach is exposed, she squeezes out some kind of freezing gel onto his abdomen. She then picks up an instrument attached to the machine and presses it directly into his bladder. Five stifles a moan before it can escape him. 

Cha-Cha silently moves the wand around, observing the screen in front of her. Five looks too, though he doesn’t know what to look for. This thing is all too new for him. The screen just looks like a black and gray mess to him.

Her hand stops, and she smiles wide. “Gotcha.”

Five’s hands stiffen at the sight of the screen, chilling him to the bone. 

He can see plain as day, the two black bean-like shapes. And the babies inside. “Congratulations.” Cha-Cha says to him, but he can barely hear her. This will certainly complicate his plan. “Explains why you’re showing so soon.”

She hands him a tissue as she presses a button on the machine, explaining she’s printing a picture for him. He wipes off the goo and fixes his clothes. He can’t feel his hands when they accept the small black and gray photo, nor when they place the photo in his breast pocket. When he leaves, he thanks her softly for the information, and the small bottle of lotion she procures from the many drawers in her desk.

“For stretch marks.” She explains, and he’s truthfully grateful.

Despite the vast amount of work Five accomplishes that shift, Five’s mind is somewhere else entirely. He can’t stop thinking about the second baby occupying his womb, trying to factor out the risks. He had already begrudgingly accepted to raise one child, but two? That was a whole other thing. 

When he and Hazel enter the dining hall, Five takes in every pair of eyes that shoot up, and return to their plates just as fast, as if they know what he knows.

Despite his lack of nausea for the first time in so long, Five picks at his food. 

“Not hungry?” Hazel asks, a look of sympathy on his face. 

“On the contrary, I’m actually starving.” 

“Then why aren’t you eating?”

“Just can’t.” Five’s too distracted to but any thought into his argument. “Besides, I’ll just throw it up later anyway.”

“Something’s wrong.” He sets down his silverware. “Do you wanna talk somewhere private? We can go to my room.” 

“Wouldn’t make a difference to me, everyone will know in a day.” Hazel flinches at his harsh words, and Five can’t help but feel a pang of guilt in his chest. Despite the pang, Five continues. “And since when do you invite me to your room? Something _you’re_ not telling _me_?”

“Don’t. I’m just trying to help.” Hazel sounds defeated, obviously not in the mood for any of Five’s outbursts. 

“Help? Too late for that. I’m already knocked up!” His mouth is dry as bone as he realizes his voice is loud enough that people are starting to stare. He fights every urge in his body to blink out of the room, away from all the prying eyes. Maybe they should have gone to Hazel’s room after all.

“Okay. Let’s talk. Lead the way.” Hazel is all too pleased to hear those words, and guides Five out of the dining hall, staring down the eyes that dared look upon them.

Five is surprised to learn that Hazel’s room is only seven doors down from his. He hadn’t realized he was so close to him. Hazel locks the door behind them and sheds his outer jacket, hanging it on a hook next to the door. He motions five to sit down on the edge of the bed, seeing the complete lack of any chairs in the room. 

“I’ll stand, but thanks anyway.”

Hazel frowns deeply. “What’s wrong?” _Doesn’t waste a second, does he?_ He supposes there’s no point beating around the bush then. 

“I’m carrying twins.” Five doesn’t miss the quiet sound of Hazel’s breath hitching. “Th-That’s… Congrats.”

Aaand here we go. “ ‘Congrats’!? Are you fucking _kidding_ me right now! What were you going to say? Huh!? ‘That’s’ what? Terrible? Insufferable? As if I don’t already know? And what am I being congratulated for? For giving you guys one more soldier than expected? Fuck you. Fuck off.”

He’s winded when he’s finished his rant. He’s left wheezing as Hazel looks him over, obviously choosing his next words wisely. “I… was gonna say ‘that’s wonderful’ actually.”

Is Hazel trying to make him angrier? Because it’s working. “In case you weren’t informed, _Hazel,_ but they’re not mine to keep. So why on God’s given Earth would that be wonderful? Answer me.” 

He stares at Hazel, and the younger man’s eyes drop to Five’s stomach, with an unreadable expression on his face. There’s something he’s not telling Five. He can’t feel his hands anymore. 

“Answer. Me. Now.”

“I can’t.”

“Hazel, who’s the father?”

“Classified information. I can’t tell you that.” His voice is all too steady, and Five’s not an idiot by any means.

His blood runs ice cold. “Oh my god. Shut up. Just, shut up for a second.” 

“Five, don’t-”

“I said shut up! Why!? Why would they- do they- do you get _off_ on this or something?! The fact they teamed me up with _you_ of all people? Is this some kind of-of sick _joke_ or something?!”

“That is _not_ true. It was not my idea, I swear. They did it because they thought I’d be the last person you’d suspect, that’s _it._ No more, no less.”

“You couldn’t just keep your damn mouth shut then, could you? Couldn’t even give me this? This-this-this one little thing! Thanks for that, leaving that on my conscience, for the rest of eternity! Thanks a lot!” 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Don’t play stupid with me. I could have gone the rest of my life not knowing who the father was, but now, this is happening.”

“Why is it so fucking bad!? Huh? Tell me!”

“Because I don’t love you back, Hazel.”

Silence. Five wonders if he should stop there, seemingly having finally won the last word. His mouth makes the decision for him, though. “Now it’s not fair for either of us. For me, who’s practically breeding stock at this point, and for you to grow attached to the father of your children who doesn’t share the same feelings.”

More silence. Five finally looks, really looks at Hazel. There’s no emotion on the man’s face, but he’s not looking at Five anymore. _He really is a killing machine, huh?_ Had it not been for Hazel’s slip up, he would have never known. Damn him for having picked up on it at all. 

“... So I can’t help but be a little curious. Why not? Just not your type or something?” The joke lands so flat, Five can’t help but cringe. He throws Hazel a bone for his effort. “Nah, you’re just too young for me. Besides, I have a wife.” 

This is news to Hazel’s ears. “Wait, what? There’s a missus? For how long?”

It seems that it had not dawned upon him that the mannequin in his room was the one in question. Hazel of course had seen Dolores, but perhaps had chalked it up to be a sentimental souvenir. Five wished to keep it that way. “Together, over thirty years. Married, less than one.” His voice is raw with the emotion at the thought of that wonderful night. Hazel mistakes it for grief. “I’m sorry, old timer.” 

Five chuckles, holding back tears. “Don’t be.”

They’re left in an uncomfortable silence, both men unsure of what to say next. It’s Hazel who decides to break the glass. “You need to eat, now that I know you have two babies to feed. Let’s get you back to the mess hall. Five quickly dismisses the notion. “No way. I’m not going back in there for like a week after that catastrophe.” Hazel smiles at him.

“Alright, I’ll bring it back here for ya. What do you want?” 

“... The usual, if you would be so kind.”

“Two peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches then.”

Five winces at the ‘two’. “How about one?”

“Nice try old timer. Two it is.”

Five ends up only eating one and a half, and that ends up being enough to put Hazel at ease.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright alright alright whats uuuuup sorry abt the short chapter, im running out of ideas haha. so in fear or becoming redundant, im gonna have the next chapter jump several months into his pregnancy. and i wanna write all the Hargreaves siblings NOW goddamn it! lol


	7. Should Have Carried the Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaa (das me yellin) ok! this chapter seems super short to me for some weird reason, idk. and im trying so fuckin hard to avoid word for word shit from the actual show, but i feel like somethings are so perfect they cant be changed ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> so i hope yall enjoy! (and ill take litcherally any feedback so please and thank u in advance!) ps im not gonna try and pretend i know how time travel works. endgame and smart hulk broke my fucking brain with that shit

It’s exactly 2:13 in the morning, and exactly thirty six weeks and one day into his pregnancy that Five finally finds the missing variable, the one that can send him home. Well, it’s actually Dolores who finds it. He won’t not give her the credit after all.

He has his notebook in hand, thinking over the equations in his head when she pipes up.

“Five.”

“Yeah?” he replies, not looking up from the notes.

“No, honey, five.”

“I said ‘yeah’, what’s up?” he can’t help but laugh at her a little bit. And Hazel said _he_ had pregnancy brains.

“Darling, the _answer_ is five. To your formula, I mean.”

“Honey, I don’t think…” Then he does. He thinks about it long and hard. She’s right. “Dolores, you beautiful genius.” He pulls her into a deep hug, his gargantuan gut keeping her own torso a mile away. His children.

Five had been hesitant at first, to grow attached to the two bundles nestled deep inside of him. What with the nausea that never left, the horrible bloating and cramps, not to mention the heartburn. It was a constant chore on his aged body, having passed its peak to do this some time ago. But despite all that, Dolores kept him grounded the entire time. Every time Five got a picture via Cha-Cha’s ultrasound machine, he would bring it back and show her, and she would fawn over them as if they were her own. 

“The baby on the left is going to have my eyes, I’m sure of it.” She says one day, and Five laughs so hard he nearly pisses himself.

“Time to go then.” He doesn’t pull away from her, not yet. “No time like the present.”

“But honey, what about Hazel?”

Ah, him. Much to Dolores’ annoyment, Five had decided on his own that he had no intention of telling Hazel of his plan, even the second before he leaves. Sure, there would be no physical harm in it, seeing the whole commission would know when they’d decide to knock down his door once they realize he’s not there. Yet Five couldn’t face the poor man, having also attached himself to their kids. Though he hadn’t said anything to suggest it, Five notices the frequent glances Hazel gives his ever rounding stomach. 

So he decides he won’t be the one to see him get hurt. “What about him? I’m not going to see him.”

“Not even just to see him one last time?”

“No.”

“And I can’t change your mind, can I?” Five can tell it’s a rhetorical question, he knows that she knows what the answer is. 

He stands (though it takes him a minute) and centers himself in the middle of the room. “Alright. Let’s get this show on the road. Check list, my dear?”

“Eye?”

“Check.”

“Formula?”

“Memorized.”

“Did you go to the bathroom?”

“Dolores..” He groans, knowing she means well.

“Okay okay, you’re ready dear. Until we meet again, my blossom.”

“I love you too, Dolores.” He leans over to peck her on the cheek, and recenters himself. He flicks his wrists a few times as if to wriggle the arthritis out of his hands, then forms them into tight fists. He concentrates on the formula in his head, and the tightness in his arms. 

When Five jumps from one place to the other, his fingers and hands feel cold as ice before and after. He’d been told before by his siblings after several jumps that he’d felt like a dead person if they were to touch him. “Yikes!! Are you a freakin’ vampire or something!?” Klaus would scream almost every single time. 

But when he travels through time, he feels ripples of pain that reach his elbows. He hadn’t known what to describe them as other than miniature contractions. It’s not too painful though, only falling on a two on the pain scale. 

He knows it’s working when the ripples start at the tips of his fingers down to his knuckles. He forces more energy into his power, and the spring from his knuckles from his forearm, a bright blue light appearing from his limbs. Five continues to repeat the formula over and over in his head, almost becoming a montra. 

It’s not long before a small portal opens up, so close it’s touching his skin. _Great,_ he thinks, _I’ll have to tear through it._ Five brings his arms forward, and begins to pry at the unrelenting, blue force in front of him. He can just barely see through it, the building finally coming into sight. He can also vaguely make out several forms standing in the courtyard. He almost doesn’t see the fire extinguisher before it's too late though.

Five focuses his spacial powers on the oncoming force, and blinks it so it lands on the bed behind him. _It’s now or never._

Five digs his nails into time, and suddenly he’s falling. 

“Catch him Luther!”

It’s Diego who screams. Luther lunges for the falling boy, barely catching him in his arms. Five has the wind knocked out of him as his chest collides into Luther’s thick forearm, Luther’s other arm hitting his knees, and his stomach left hanging in between, pressing up against his brother’s chest. 

“Let go!” Five hollers, growing stiff in Luther’s arms. What he doesn’t expect is for Luther to drop him, probably from pure shock. Five braces himself, throwing his hands and knees down with impeccable reflexes and lands with a thick _crunch_ sound and a shooting pain through his right arm and collapses on his side. 

He cries out in pain, and he hears feet racing toward him.

“Oh my god!”

“Shit, Luther you dropped him!”

“What the hell Luther!”

Then hands are touching him _everywhere._ He knows they’re only trying to help, but at this rate he’s going to fly into a panic attack. “STOP! Don’t touch me! I’m okay!” All the hands fly off of his body all at once, and he’s eternally grateful. 

“Uh, guys? Is it just me, or is little Five not so… little anymore?” Klaus asks, his head cocked to the side.

Little? God, Five knew he was short but that was just low. His left hand moves to wrap around his right wrist, one hundred percent sure that it’s broken. He hisses, and looks to it to assess the damage. He’s looking at a broken wrist alright, misshapen and starting to swell. What he doesn’t understand is _who’s_ wrist he’s looking at. The hand he’s looking at is smooth and young. His hands are wrinkled and littered with sun spots. When he tries to move his pointer finger, a sharp pain shoots up his wrist and down his arm. Oh _god._ This _was_ his hand.

Five’s head shoots all over his body, not happy with what he sees. No longer is his old, tattered body but rather a much _much_ younger one in its place. He’s wearing his old uniform, which strains against his massive stomach. 

“Mother FUCKER!”

“Hey! Language, young man!” Though it’s not the same frequency it had once been, Five can recognize the voice because of its tone alone. Klaus. He had missed his brother and his stupid mouth.

It’s a female voice that speaks next, so it’s either Vanya or Allison. “Five, are you okay? What’s going on? WHY are you freakin’ eleven months pregnant? Does anything hurt? Do you need to-”

“I’m okay, I’m okay! Just don’t touch-” Five shuts up as his stomach rolls hard. _No no no no not now please_ he begs silently as he begins to gag. 

“Five?”

He lies there and his body shakes as it begins to heave. He unfortunately doesn’t have anything to heave up, having skipped a few meals to finish his plan. 

“We have to take him to the infirmary!” It’s the second woman's voice this time.

“But he said not to touch him!” Klaus whines, gesturing madly to Five. “How do we get him there?”

“J-j-just give h-him a minute. Let him r-r-ride it out first.” So that’s what Diego sounds like now. 

And they do. He eventually has nothing but a bit of bile left collecting in his mouth, and spits it onto the concrete. He takes deep breaths, or rather deep _ish_ since his lungs now felt like they were being pushed into his throat now that his body was so small, carrying such a huge package.

“...You good lil bro?” Klaus pegs, one eyebrow raised in a comical fashion.

“Honestly?” Five wheezes, still catching his breath. “No. But I will be.”

-

Five Is overcome with another bout of nausea as the smell and nostalgia wash over him the moment he steps foot in the house. He pauses to gag into his good hand, hands and eyes hovering over him as though he’s going to shatter like glass.

“ ‘Sokay. I’m okay.”

Once he’s sure the sickness has passed, they continue their way to the basement levels of their home, with Diego and Vanya running off into a different part of the house.

“Vanya, let’s go get mom.”

Five’s heart lurches at the thought of Grace, their robotic, gentle mother. 

By the time they arrive in the cold, sterile room, Five is trying not to hyperventilate due to his lack of air intake. He just couldn’t seem to take a breath, his lungs feeling as though they were being squeezed by his ribs. He’s also noticed he can’t feel his feet, probably swollen and his small shoes cutting off the circulation. 

His wrist has settled into a dull ache, pressed to his chest for deer life, with his left hand cradling his massive underbelly. 

He jumps so he’s sitting on the cold metal table centered in the room, not even going to bother to try and lift himself onto it, considering it now came up to his armpits. He carefully leans back, now rubbing small circles into his lower stomach, trying to sooth the squirming from within. His spawn hadn’t stopped moving since before he had pried his way through the timestream, as if they were letting him know they were alright the entire time. 

Grace, Diego and Vanya rush into the room next, Grace motioning the others to move out of her way. She approaches Five with a massive smile.

“Five, you came back.”

She goes to pull Five’s hand from his chest and he audibly flinches.

“Wait mom please don’t-”

Then he feels cold. It’s not the usual burning sensation he’s used to in these situations, and he dumbly stares at her as she pulls the broken wrist from his breastbone. _Oh_ , he thinks, _she’s made of metal. No flesh anywhere._ He thinks of Dolores’ smooth porcelain skin and though it’s only been a few minutes since he last saw her, he can't help but miss her dearly. 

“Okay, I’m going to have to reset your wrist. Then I’m going to have to put a cast on you dear. Can someone grab me the anesthesia from the shelf over there?” Luther is the one who goes into action first. As he crosses the room, Allison takes her chance to start the interrogation. 

“Five, what happened? You- you disappear for seventeen years and you come back the same except that fact that you’re _heavily pregnant?_ ”

Five answers as though he hadn’t heard a word that she had said. “What’s the date today? The exact date.” Luther hands Grace the small vile and a needle. She fills the needle, gives it a few flicks and holds Five’s hand tight once more. “This is going to pinch darling.” 

Five inhales sharply at the prick, used to the sensation at this point. He steadily lets the breath out once the feeling of numbness starts to over take his hand to his fingers. Vanya pipes up, answering Five’s question. “It’s march. Twenty fourth to be exact. Two thousand nineteen.”

“Okay. Good to know.”

Grace pressed two fingers into Five’s wrist. “Feel that at all?”

“No mom. I’m ready.” She doesn’t wait before her strong hands are the misshapen limb, quickly snapping it into place. Five can’t help but let out a low grunt, feeling the bones being pushed back into place. It’s not the first time he’s broken a bone before, and he suspects it won’t be his last time either.

“Diego, can you grab me the cotton and fiberglass rolls for me?” She could tell her son was turning green at the sight of her resetting the wrist, and decided he needed a little distraction. 

“Yeah, okay.” He mumbles as he retrieves her needed materials. He hands them to her and glances at Five, trying to keep his eyes on the boy’s face.

“So.. what _did_ h-happen to you?”

“What do you think Diego? I tried to time travel, and it worked. Too well if you ask me.” He watches his mom as she tightly wraps his wrist with a cotton fabric, working smooth and efficiently. “Dad always said that I shouldn’t have, should my powers only work in one direction. He was right in the end.” 

“Then, how did you get b-back?”

“By projecting my consciousness

backwards into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists in every possible instance of time.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Well it would if you were smarter.” Five had missed this. He had truly missed his family. 

“Wait, back up.” It’s Vanya’s voice this time. “You said _backwards._ Five, how _far_ back do you mean? How long have _you_ been gone?”

Five is both impressed and frustrated with his sister’s keen observation. “Forty years.” 

“So that would make you… what, fifty three then?” Vanya inquires, her tone masked with awe.

“Well, my _mind_ is fifty three. My body seems to be thirteen and a half.”

“... Wow.” She breathes.

“Yeah, ‘wow’ is right.”

Klaus lets out an awkward laugh. “Uh, am I insane or are we just gonna keep ignoring the elephant in Five’s gut?” 

A shiver runs down Five’s spine at the words. Grace finishes her handywork, and he pulls his now casted arm back to his breast. How was he going to explain himself? 

“You weren’t… you know, attacked, were you?” Klaus murmurs softly. 

“What?” Five asks dumbly. 

Luther speaks next, his tone entirely unnerved. “Five, talk to us. Is it true?”

“What?! No! No, I wasn’t- it’s not what you-”

“Oh god, it’s true. Someone touched our baby brother! Woe was him!” Klaus shrieks, throwing a limb over his eyes dramatically. 

“Klaus, you don’t know that for sure. Right?” Allison looks at Five with an expression of pure fear plastered on her slim face. 

“But everyone knows little Five is as straight as a straw!” Klaus wails.

“If you don’t s-shut up right now, I’ll stab you Klaus.” Diego retorts, palming a knife on his side. 

“But look at him! He’s not gonna-” Klaus starts, tears forming under the sleeve pressed to his eyes. 

“Be QUIET!! I wasn’t fucking raped okay!? I’m FINE!!”

All eyes land on Five, as he clutches his middle, seemingly out of breath and in pain. He freezes as an uncomfortable force rolls up his lower back and up his belly. “Ack!”

No one dares to move, except for Grace who places a palm on his gravid stomach, and he doesn’t fight back this time. 

Her eyebrows are knit tightly together as the skin under his shirt ripples. The sensation leaves as fast as it came, leaving Five catching his breath.

“Mom, what was that?” he whispers, his voice drizzled in panic.

“I think it was a contraction, dear.”

Klaus’ voice starts up again, twice as frantic as before. 

“Oh my god, he’s going into labor!”

“I am _not._ It didn’t even hurt. It’s just a false contraction. Something… something Hicks.”

“Braxton Hicks?” Vanya asks, her voice hesitant. 

Five thinks for a moment. “Nah, that’s not it.”

“Five, seriously. What’s going on here?”

The boy makes eye contact with his twin. 

“It’s not important, Luther, so drop it.”

“Not important? How is it _not_ important when your little brother drops out of the sky, and is, oh I don’t know, fucking pregnant?! Not only is it important, but we need to address the situation _now._ What _happened_ Five?”

Five’s anger is bubbling in his chest. “What difference does it make anyway? None of you can do anything about it anyway.” He snaps, baring his teeth like a wild animal. That's enough to shut the large man up, but also enough to get Diego riled up. 

“Hey man, h-he’s just trying to help! Don’t be an ass ab-b-bout it.” He takes a step forward, and Grace places herself between the man and the boy in a protective manner. It’s enough to make him take two steps back in surprise. 

“Diego, that’s not how we talk to each other. Be nice.” She deadpans, and looks back to Five. “Dear, tell me if you have any more contractions okay? We have to monitor them to make a thousand percent sure it’s just false labor.”

“Okay, mom. Thank you.” He’s relieved he has her now, knowing she’ll take care of him and the babies. She reaches a cold hand up his cheek, not quite touching him, as if asking for permission. He lifts his good hand up and presses her hand onto his cheek, a tear running down the exposed side of his face. He frowns deeply, and speaks.

“Mom, where’s dad?”

A tense aura overcomes the room. “Mom? Guys?” He stares at an array of his family’s faces, each one he looks at holding emotions varying from sadness to anger. “Oh. He’s dead. I missed it.”

“You _knew?_ ” Luther accuses, as though Five had been the one to kill their father.

“What part of ‘from the future’ do you not understand?”

Luther opens his mouth, and briefly shuts it without making a peep.

“How did he die? Natural causes?”

“Yes.” “We don’t know.”

Diego and Luther share a knowing glance before returning their gaze to Five.

“Huh. Alright then.” He blinks to the doorway and presses his knuckles into the deep of his back, the tightness returning, done with the conversation. “I’m going to the kitchen. I need to eat something or my hunger’s gonna split me in two.” He blinks before anyone can notice his uncomfort.

-

He scarfs down a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich, then a second, then a third. He’s ravenous and he knows he needs the extra calories. He just hopes his nausea will abate for a few hours at least, long enough for him to digest the sweet meal. “God, I needed this.” Five moans into the bread. 

His siblings, his mom, and to his surprise, even Pogo watch in silence as he eats. He’s grateful for some peace and quiet, even though it won’t last very long. His mind races as he tries to think up an explanation for his current ailment. Perhaps he can feign illness for now and return to his room for the time being. But in the end, Five knows that they’ll keep coming at him until he answers their questions.

“I’ll answer you questions-”

He looks at their expectant expressions, and finishes his train of thought. “- to a certain degree. There are some things you guys are better off knowing.”

“Fine. Who’s the father?” Luther inquires, not wasting a second. Five swallows his anger.

“No one you guys know. Or will ever know. So let’s drop that shit now, because it’s a sensitive subject.” Luther looks taken aback by this, almost looking ashamed of himself. Five doesn’t feel a pang of guilt, just a twinge in his lower belly. He stifles a moan, and continues. “He’s a good man. Never laid a finger on me. Let’s leave it at that.” His voice cracks, and his face heats up.

“Then how did you get pregnant?” Allison asks gently, her eyes never leaving Five’s face.

“Artificial insemination. It was quick and painless, I assure you.” He drops his gaze down to the now discarded half of a sandwich on the plate before him, hoping it’s enough to convince them.

“But why?” Diego asks. Five knows his siblings all mean well, but he’s getting tired of the redundancy. 

“It doesn’t _matter_ . It _never_ mattered, and it never _will._ What’s done is done so the only thing I can do now is move forward. I’m done talking about it now. I’m going to my room.” 

He doesn’t wait to blink out from under the judging looks of his family. He’s standing in his room, and inspects the area around him. It’s exactly the way it was the day he left, save for the copious amounts of dust collecting on every surface. Once he knows he’s alone, he collapses onto the bed. His mind is roaring with rage and exhaustion. He hadn’t slept since the day before, and his tiredness was creeping up on him. He closes his eyes, and hopes he doesn’t sleep too long, realizing he only has a few days to stop the oncoming Apocalypse. 

  
  



	8. Lost and Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i guess the more i write, the shorter these chapters seem to me lol i hope theyre long enough for yall! this is the part of the story i have been excited for and also dreading lmao cheers

Five isn’t asleep long enough to dream. He awakes to the sound of his door opening, and a quiet “Five?”

It’s just Vanya. Five wipes the sleep from his eyes, and is as alert as ever. He braces his good hand on the bed and attempts to set himself straight, but it gives out under him, his limbs not responding. He lands with a simple ‘oof!’.

“Here, let me help you.” She approaches him, and he waves his cast at her in a dismissive manner. “No no, no touching.”

He tries a second time, much slower, but is able to sit up this time around. His back is hollering at him in pain from all the weight on it, and Five silently curses himself. He had developed an extremely specific way of sleeping over the past few months, having to sleep on his side with a pillow under his belly and another between his legs. Needless to say, he should have at least adjusted himself before he had fallen asleep.

Five catches Vanya observing him, yet she doesn’t stop when he notices. “I just wanted to say goodbye. My ride’s on its way.”

“You’re leaving? What time is it?”

“It’s nearly six. We just finished up dad’s funeral. None of us wanted to wake you up.”

“How did it go?”

Vanya lets out a strained laugh. “Amazing. Everyone’s fighting with everyone now. Hence my departure.” She momentarily pauses and bites her lip. “I really missed you, Five.”

“I missed you too. I missed all of you guys. I’m glad to be back.”

“Five… I don’t wanna pry, but… what happened?”

Five growls. “Vanya, I already _told_ you guys, I’m not-”

“No, no! That’s not what I’m talking about! Sorry, I should have been more specific!” She’s waving her hands around in a defensive manner. “I mean, what’s with the ‘no touch’ rule? Out of all of us, you were the one always seeking physical contact as a kid.”

She wasn’t wrong. Five had an unusual habit as a child, after a grueling mission he was known to pat down each of his siblings afterwards, checking them over for wounds. The only one who would protest would be Luther, who would claim to be invincible. He probably only protested because he was the older twin, and didn’t want to seem weak for his little bro.

“You wouldn’t understand, I suppose. After forty years of no physical contact, it tends to change you.” 

“Huh. I suppose you’re right. If it were me, I’d be getting it every chance I could.”

“You don’t know that.”

A pause. “Yeah, I guess you're right. May I?”

She gestures to the spot on the bed next to Five, and he nods.

She sits, and resists the urge to place a hand on her brother’s thin knee. “So. I read your book.”

“Yeah? What did you think about it?”

“I think it’s my fault that Ben died.”

“Five, don’t do that to yourself. You obviously have enough on your plate, you don’t need Ben’s death holding you down.” _She sounds like mom,_ he thinks, a smile dawning on his face.

“What? What did I say?”

“The right thing. You know, I was thinking of naming one of the babies after him.”

Vanya gasps. “There's more than one? No wonder you look like you swallowed the biggest watermelon at the county fair.” She winces at her own words and tags on a quick ‘sorry’.

“And here I thought you guys wouldn't even notice I was pregnant. Yeah, they’re fraternal twins, just like me and Luther. Either it runs through our genes, or it was my age. My doctor told me twins are more common in geriatric pregnancies.” Her eyebrows raise at the word ‘geriatric’. “But… now it’s not. Now it’s a _teenage_ pregnancy, which has its own hurdles. How much do you know about those?”

Five thinks. His knowledge on pregnancy was limited to that of what Cha-Cha chose to tell him. He knew he was more likely to go into labor as early as 37 weeks, and his babies would more than likely be born underweight. He knew all too well of his high blood pressure, and he even knew that his children had a higher risk of having Downs Syndrome, and if either of his children had it, he didn’t know, too afraid to ask. Not that that mattered, he would love and care for them all the same. He wracks his brain for any information on teenage pregnancy, and only cones to one conclusion.

“My hips are too narrow, aren’t they?” He had never been terribly curvy in his youth, not until he reached the tender age of eleven, when he started puberty. It would take many years of his body changing, forming a body he was glad that no one could witness, save from Dolores, and many more years of wear and tear that would eventually shape him into the man he no longer was. 

And he would have to go through all of it, all over again. 

“Now we don’t know that for sure. We’ll have to have mom give you a look over. Maybe ask Allison, she might know more about it than either of us. She was really prepared when Claire came.”

“Claire? Is that the name of my niece?”

She looks back at Five, taking in his excitement. “Oh. I never put her name in my book, I forgot.”

“I can’t wait to meet her actually. Where is she? Did Allison bring her with her?”

Vanya nervously licks her lips. “Actually, I overheard that Claire’s dad got full custody over her. Don’t know why.”

Five’s heart sinks, and tries not to let it show. “I see. So It’ll have to wait then.”

“Why’s that? Got plans so soon? You just got here.” 

Five internally debates telling her about the upcoming End of Days, and can’t find a single reason why he should not confide in his sister. After all, it was her and Allison who he had first told of his newly found gender identity when they were only twelve. The three of them had been tight when they were young, before they had a real mother figure in their lives and were surrounded by so many boys. He had made them swear that they would continue to remain his confidants, even if he just so happened to be one of those boys.

He hoped Vanya and Allison had stayed true to their word. 

“... In eight days, everyone on the planet Earth is going to die. Except for me.”

“What? What are you talking about?” He had expected a little disbelief on her end, after all. 

“I don’t know how, but the Apocalypse is going to come raining down on earth, and my thirteen year old self will time travel into the direct aftermath, and stay there for a whole forty years.”

“... Five, maybe the time travel has warped your perception of reality. You’ve obviously been thr-”

He interupts her. “Okay I get it, you don’t believe me. Fine, I’ll do this on my own then. See you later, traitor.” He doesn’t look at her as he jumps to the kitchen, in desperate need of some caffeine in him. Though Cha-Cha had banned him from coffee altogether, it wouldn’t stop Hazel from bringing him a cup of his coffee as black as night every so often when he would pick him up and walk them to their respective desks for the day. He’s in a terrible mood, and he needs his caffeine _now_.

“Isn’t there a coffee maker anywhere in this damn house?” he grumbles aloud, searching high and low, blink not once but several times around the kitchen, searching every crevasse he can reach.

He nearly jumps out of his skin when a voice emerges out of the doorway behinf him, sending a wave of mild contractions through his lower belly once more.

“The old man never drank a cup of coffee in his damn life.”

“KLAUS! God Dammit dude, make some noise when you enter a room! You nearly have me a heart attack!” He clasps his good hand to his chest, surprised at the tenderness it encounters, and pushes down his panis as his adbomen muscles tighten their grip on him. 

“Sorry little bro, didn’t mean to scare ya.”

“Don’t call me that. I’m much older than you.” There’s little bite to his words though, as the tension starts to eb away. 

“Oh yeah.” An awkward silence falls over them for a few moments.

“So what do you want?” 

Klause snaps his fingers and gives Five two finger guns. “Doesn’t matter. You need coffee, right? Let me take you out to get some. I know a thing or two about withdrawal and I am _not_ about to let you go through it.” 

-

Five finds himself driving the duo into town. They end up hot wiring Diego’s car, a little trick Five had picked up in one of his classes, and they mildly argue about who should be the one to drive.

“I’m driving.”

“But you can’t even see over the steering wheel. Where did you learn how to drive anyway?”

“I know how to do everything.”

Klaus had begrudgingly decided to let little Five drive, not wanting to rile up the elder man. It’s more difficult that he expects, what with the cast on his right wrist and all. But he eventually gets it.

The two of the awkwardly converse as the sun eventually sets on their drive.

“I think you should name your kid after me. Klaus Junior, how does that sound?”

“Hell no. I already decided on names.”

“Names.. plural? What, you gonna be one of those parents who gives their kid like six different names? Fancy indeed.”

“It’s twins, Klaus.”

That’s enough to knock the wind out of the younger man. “Do you know the genders? Because that means we could have a Klaus Junior, AND a Klaussette.”

“I’m going with Ben and Tuesday.” Having arrived at a red light, Five takes a moment to look at his brother. He’s confused as to why he’s staring into the backseat, a huge grin plastered on his face. 

“Ben and Tuesday, huh? Can’t convince you to even do Ben and Klaus Junior?”

“For God’s sake, you only name your child ‘Junior’ if it’s also the father’s name. Nimrod.”

“Ass face.”

“Troglodyte!”

“Err… Short stack!”

Five can’t help but laugh at his brother. “At least we aren’t ‘momma’s boys’. God, did you see the way Diego got scolded by mom? Geeze!”

He parks the old car about two buildings away from the diner and turns it off. “Heh, yeah. Everyone knows that Diego is mom’s favorite. So, what’s your order, big guy?”

Five wonders if he should accompany Klaus, but quickly decides against it. He’s not exactly wanting to bring any attention onto himself. 

“Coffee, black. Maybe a jelly donut.”

“Alright, one cup of joe and a dozen donuts, coming up.”

“Klaus, there’s no way-” Before he can finish, the younger brother is already out of the car and strolling up to the diner. Five huffs in aggravation, and takes in his surroundings. He’s totally alone now, not a soul on the streets, save for an occasional passing car. Five keeps his eyes on the cars that do pass as he brings his good hand to press into the tight skin of his navel. The twins haven’t stopped moving in a while, and it’s starting to bother him. It’s clear they don’t have as much room as they once did before and Five hopes that it’s only causing him any discomfort or pain.

He presses his hand into different places in his belly, feeling for any signs of distress from his children. When he finds none, only then does he finally allow himself to take a breath. Five promptly removes his hands when he catches Klaus leaving the diner, a cup in one hand and a box in the other. He strides up to Five’s side of the car and uses his elbow to knock once on his window.

Five rolls it down and gratefully takes the coffee from him. He greedily slurps it up as Klaus half jogs to the other side of the car and climbs back inside. “Remember when we were kids and we would all come here to get so sick on these things?” He opens the box revealing the dozen donuts. “Good times, good times.”

Five does remember, actually. He continues to sip at his coffee as Klaus digs into the sweets. About four donuts in, he offers one to Five, who puts up a hand in defence. “Actually, I’m good. I ate a lot earlier.”

Klaus shrugs. “Suit yourself.” He says through a mouthful of dough.

Five can’t help but enjoy his brother’s company. Despite the sounds that the younger man is making that make Five’s stomach roll, he’s glad he doesn’t have to go through this alone. 

Five silently watches as a group of four make their way into the diner. He notices even through what little light there is on the street that every man that walks through the door seems to be wearing some kind or riot gear, doning large guns. His blood runs ice cold. 

“Shit.” He shakely sets his coffee down into the cupholder in between them and goes to start the car. “Erh… wait a second, wait a second.” He looks back to Klaus, who’s starting to look a little green, having devoured seven whole donuts.

“We have to leave now. If you get sick, get sick.” The car sputters, refusing to start up again. _Fuck!_ Five hears the distinct sound of a gun cocking, and slowly turns his head to the open window. There’s a man standing there, pointing a gun at his head.

“Don’t move or I’ll shoot.”

Neither men dare to even twitch. But it’s not enough to stop even Klaus’ big mouth. “Uuuh Five? Who’s your friend?”

The strange man only now seems to notice that Five isn’t alone in the car. Five takes this chance to jump into action. He warps directly behind the man, and warps the man’s weapon out of the man’s hands and into his own. He aims, and lets off a single shot into the man’s head. He drops to the ground, dead as a doorknob.

“Klaus, we need to leave _now.”_ Five warps back into the car only momentarily, grabs Klaus by the shoulder, and warps them both into a dark alley nearby. While he lands on his feet, his brother does not and lands on his hands and knees, crumpling to the ground. Five waits for the man to collect himself, his eyes scanning both ends of the alley.

When the taller man is finally on his feet, he looks to Five for answers. “Who the hell was that guy?! He was going to try and kill us!” He whisper-yells, not wanting anyone to overhear.

“Only if we moved. He wants me, not you.” He tries to map out the city in his head, trying to come up with a jump plan to get them back home. He can tell Diego where to pick his car up at a later date. “And how do you know that?” Klaus puts his hands on his cocked hips. 

“Because they’re after Ben and Tuesday. And they want them alive.” Five having decided they weren’t seen, turns to Klaus. The younger man seems to be contemplating his words. He turns around and begins talking to himself aloud. 

“What do you think dude?” A pause. “A good point. We need to get him home though.” Another pause. “Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.”

Klaus turns back to Five, as though the conversation he had with himself never occurred. “Do you have a plan to get us back home, or are we walking?”

“I was going to jump us there, to be honest.” He had more than enough energy to do it too. 

“...Okay. But you have to promise me you won’t overdue it. Capisce?” 

“Fine.” He watches as Klaus pulls his sleeve down over his hand, so there’s no sight of it, and holds the fabric out to Five. He grasps the sleeve in his good fist, and warps.

  
  
  



	9. Big Bag O' Weed

It takes only six jumps, and two bouts of vomiting to get them home safe.  _ So much for my ‘no nausea’ streak today.  _ He warps them into the main living room, where they only find Pogo, who is dusting at a few knick-knacks. The ape turns to the two of them and addresses them. 

“Ah, master Klaus, master Five. I had wondered where the two of you had gone.”

Face gives Pogo a curt nod before making his way to the kitchen, Klause right on his heels. Five rummages through a drawer and pulls out a sharp blade.

“Hey, whoa. What are you gonna do with  _ that?  _ They had guns and last time I checked, gun aces knife.” Five ignores him as he takes the blade to the flesh above his cast and begins to cut. “Hey what the fuck are you doing!?”

Before Klaus is upon him, intent to get the blade away from Five, he warps to the other side of the room. Now that his cut is open and bleeding, Five fingers the wound, looking for the tracking device. “Aha!” Once he has his fingers around it, he pulls it out to show Klaus. 

“Master Five… what is that exactly?” It’s Pogo's voice who speaks from the doorway. Five drops the device and promptly steps on it, a squeal of circuits accompanying the crunch under his shoe.

“It was a tracking device. Totally forgot about it until now. It’s how they found us.”

The younger brother splutters. “Wh-what, wait, how  _ who  _ found us, Five? Some kind of-of assassins or something!?” Klaus is becoming hysterical at this point. 

“I already said, they want me, Ben and Tuesday alive.” Five slides the blade into his cast, keeping it close to him for the time being. He brushes off his jacket with his good hand and goes to leave.

“Who is  _ they?” _

Five doesn’t stop nor turn around as he answers.

“My old employers.”

-

The night is cold, what with it being March and all. Diego had left the mansion after Vanya, who had informed him when her taxi arrived that his car was missing. He gave a knowing look at his sister and they spoke in unison. “Klaus.”

So here he was, going up and down through town, looking for his brother and his missing car. He was going to  _ kill  _ Klaus when Diego found him. First he checked any empty parking lot, seeking out his car, in hopes Klaus had found what he needed and would try to do it in private. Then he was searching through alleyways, asking any suspicious character he saw if they had seen a flamboyant man with tattoos on his palms. He was actually relieved when all of them gave the same ‘no’, and once flabbergasted at one  _ very _ underdressed drag queen who asked for not only the flamboyant man’s phone number, but Diego’s as well. He turned her down politely.

So Diego kept looking. He looked and looked until he saw several police cars flash by, and decided to follow them.  _ I swear if he crashed my car into  _ anything  _ I’m gonna tear him in half,  _ he thinks as he runs. The sounds of the sirens bring him two blocks away, to Griddy’s Diner. 

He sees his car, and the crime scene next to it. Thankfully, he spots Eudora Patch in the crowd of police officers, and calls out to her.

“Patch!” Her head flies up and their eyes meet, a deep frown forming on her face. She excuses herself from her coworkers and walk-jogs over to where Diego is watching from afar. She doesn’t dare speak until she’s close enough to whisper-shout.

“Diego! What the hell, man! I get a call of a brutal murder with almost no witnesses and your car is the fucking crime scene?? With you nowhere to be seen might I add! And the fingerprints on the murder weapon are tied to an old cold case? Diego, what’s going on?”

Diego’s head is reeling at the information intake. He starts with the basics. “My b-brother stole my car.”

“Can you prove that to me?” Diego wordlessly takes his car keys out of his pocket and dangles it in the air.

“Okay, doesn’t explain the fingerprints.”

“Well, what’s the cold case? T-t-tell me about it.” He repockets the keys, glad he doesn’t have to put up a fight about it.

Patch shakes her head. “Diego, it’s a case from  _ 1963\.  _ Unless your brother was hanging out with an old man who could somehow steal a soldier's gun from him  _ and  _ manage to execute him executioner style from  _ outside  _ the car. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Diego pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache forming. “Five.”

“Five what? Were there five men? Are you saying-”

“No no, Five is one of my other brothers. He was probably with Klaus.”

“Are you trying to tell me your brother did this…?”

“What? N-no! I.. I mean if he d-did, it was self def-fence.”

Patch crosses her arms. “Diego, you need to tell me where your brother Five is.”

“I have  _ no  _ i-idea where any of my family is right now.” Diego half-lies. He knows Vanya is back at her apartment uptown, and he had told the others to stay put, incase Five or Klaus came home, but hey, who knows if they had listened or not. 

“Then take me to your house.”

“No way. No  _ way.” _

_ “ _ Diego, so help me God I will arrest you for obstructing Justice if you don’t take me there  _ right now _ .”

“I can’t do that for ya P-ppp-patch.”

“And why not?”

“Because I just got my b-brother back ok-k-kay?”

“Your… oh. Is this the brother that went missing?”

Diego nods, turning his head away from the flashing lights of the police cars, a full blown migraine forming in the front of his skull. 

“Even more reason to take me then.”

“And why’s th-that?”

“Because the two crimes could be connected.”

Diego doesn’t understand. “How so?”

“Maybe the old fingerprints could belong to your brother's potential kidnapper. Or maybe these goons came after your brother because _they're_ your brother's previous kidnappers. I dunno Diego, there are multiple theories that would make sense.”

“I already t-told you he was never kidnapped.” His mouth goes dry at the thought of someone kidnapping him, impregnating him. Diego had suspected Five had been lying about the whole artificial whatever, it had seemed too practiced to his ears. “But now that I’ve s-seen him, I wouldn’t be surprised at all.” Patch seems taken aback by his words. 

“Diego, look at me.”

When he doesn’t, she sighs loudly. “Diego, take me there. I just want to help. That’s all.”

“...Okay.”

“Good. We’ll take my car since you won’t be getting yours back anytime soon.” She thumbs the crime scene behind them. “Just gimme the address.”

-

“Digeo, this place is freaking  _ huge. _ ”

“I’m aware.”

They pull up to the mansion and Patch kills the engine. “Thanks again for doing this for me, dude.”

“N-no sweat.” Patch isn’t the only one seeking answers here, after all. The duo walk up to the front doors and Patch seems surprised by Diego as he doesn’t bother to knock, just opens the massive door and strides right in. “C’mon. I’ll introd-duce you to everyone w-who’s still here.”

Patch’s eyes glaze over the foyer, and jumps as they land upon a chimp, standing on the stairs. “Uh, Diego? There’s a primate in your house.”

“Charmed.” Pogo replies, taking in Patch’s shock. “Master Diego, I thought you’d return so soon. I heard the car, I assume you found it?”

“Yeah, I f-f-found it alright. Where are Klaus and Five? Oh. Pogo, this is D-detective Patch. Patch, this is Pogo. He’s family.”

“Ah.” Is all Patch can manage to say. Pogo smiles warmly at her as he answers Diego. “They’ve returned to their respective rooms for the night. It is late, after all. So have the others, save for Mistress Grace, who I believe is in the kitchen.”

“Thanks, Pogo.” He motions Patch to follow him up the stairs, passing Pogo on the way. Diego’s ears are ringing so loud that he can’t even hear the woman’s footsteps behind him. He starts for Five’s room, but quickly drops the idea.  _ No, I should talk to Klaus first.  _ So to Klaus’ room he heads. They stop in front of the door, a hand raised to knock. His hand freezes mid knock as he hears a muffled voice through the door.

“So who do you think it is, the mafia?” A pause. “Heh, yeah, I didn’t think so either.” Another pause. “Well I don’t see  _ you  _ coming up with any bright ideas, mister know-it-all.” A third pause, longer than the first two combined. “Okay, okay, yeesh! I got it!”

Is… Klaus on the phone with someone? Diego shakes his head clear. He’ll have to interrupt the little conversation for the time being. He knocks hard.

“Klaus, open up. I need t-to talk to you. Now.”

No response, until the door opens up in front of him. Klaus looks like utter  _ hell.  _ His hair is sticking up in every direction, his clothes smell like vomit, and he has deep, dark bags under his eyes. Diego feels a pang of guilt, having interrupted him in this state.

“Oh?” Klaus’ eyes passover Diego and land on the beautiful woman standing behind him. “You brought a  _ lady  _ into the house and brought her straight to me? O-la-la, my brother dearest, you spoil me so.” Yeah, Diego doesn’t feel guilty anymore. 

“B-b-be quiet. This is Detective Patch. She’s a c-cop.”

Klaus’ face drops faster than should be humanly possible, and slams the door with such force it nearly topples Diego over. “I plead the fifth!” He yells through the door. “It wasn’t even me! I’m clean!”

“Klaus, wait. This has n-nothing to do with  _ that  _ I  _ swear.  _ This is ab-bout Five.”

A minute passes before the door creaks open, just wide enough for Klaus to stick his head through. “Promise?” He gives Diego the biggest Puss in Boots face he can manage. 

“Promise.”

“Okay then. But, the cop stays the hell out of my room. For no reason, of course.”

“Deal.” Patch pipes up, not caring about the obvious junkie’s stash. She has enough on her plate at the moment. “So, were you one of the men at the crime scene outside of Griddy’s?”

“That I was.” He slips through the doorway and promptly closes his door behind him. “How can I help thee?”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

Klaus bites his lip and shrugs his shoulders. “Hey, lady-”

“That’s Detective P-Patch to you, man.” Diego interrupts.

“Okay okay, Detective, all I know is one second we were alone, then Five freaked his shit and started saying we needed to leave. Then this guy shows up out of  _ nowhere _ and points a gun at us. Then bada bing bada boom, Five had the guy killed, and we ran.” 

“Wait, slow down. So he threatened to kill you guys? Do you know why?” Patch asks, not liking where this is going.

“That’s just the thing though. He said, he said ‘don’t move or I’ll shoot’. I think… they were going to kill me and take Five.”

Diego’s blood runs cold. “And what m-makes you t-think that?”

“Five told me that they were his ‘former employers’, whatever the hell  _ that  _ means.”

Patch and Diego share a glance with each other, both utterly unnerved. “Do you g-guys have ID on the deceased at the crime scene yet?” The man asks, hoping for an answer.

“Not yet. But I’ll call you when we do. Can I talk to your other brother now?”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Detective.” Klaus murmurs. “In case you haven’t heard, he’s a little  _ hormonal _ right now.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Diego?” She looks at him expectantly. 

He had wanted to avoid telling her all together. It was getting harder by the second, what with Klaus’ big mouth present now. “When, when Five came back this morning, h-he came back a little… not himself.” He tries. “He came b-back with some… extra baggage, so to speak.”

“Yeah, approximately twelve pounds worth of baggage.”

The bigger man shoots Klaus a confused look. “Twelve pounds? That doesn’t s-sound right at all.”

Klaus’ expression softens. “Oh, you don’t know yet. Well, even though it’s not my business to tell you, Five told me he’s carrying more than one kid.”

“Are you guys high?”

The two men took at Patch. “No, but I wish I were.” Klaus replies. “Why?”

“Because it sounds to me like you’re trying to convince me that your brother is pregnant.

Silence. “Patch, h-he’s transgender.”

It takes a moment for it to make sense to her. After all, it was Diego who had been the one to introduce the concept to her. 

“Okay, so let me try to get it right. That means your brother is a girl, who wants to be a boy then?”

“P-Patch, no. He  _ is  _ a boy. His b-body just says otherwise.” He’s very patient with her on this. It wasn’t her fault she hadn’t grown up with any knowing of these things. If it hadn’t been for Five and Klaus growing up, he would have been the same way.

“Okay, I think I get it. But I still need to talk to him.” 

-

Five is writing down his equations on his desk with a large black marker when he hears the footsteps approach his door. He hollers loud enough so whoever is at his door can hear, before they even get a chance to knock.

“Go away, I’m busy.”

“Five?” It’s Diego’s voice. “Come out or let us in. We need to talk ab-bout your ‘former employers’.”

Well, shit. He hadn’t expected Klaus to tell everyone what he had said. The nausea prickling in his throat began to rise, and he placed a hand over his mouth as he spoke next. But before he could speak, a woman’s voice spoke through the door.

“Five? My name is Eudora Patch and I’m with the local police department. May I speak with you in private?”

_ Great.  _ Just what he needed, a cop at his door. “No,” he breathes through his hand. “I don’t talk to pigs.”

“Hey! Rude!” Diego bellows. That was his friend and a lady his brother was speaking to. 

“Hey, Fivey, open the door. She just wants to know about the guy you killed, that’s all.” Klaus tries, his voice much too calm.  _ Oh, was that all? _

Five didn’t have time for this. 

“Doesn’t matter. You’ll never find his comrades. They’re long gone by now.” He lies through his teeth. If anything, there’s bound to be more sent after him.

There’s muffled arguing going on behind the door, but Five is too preoccupied by his nausea to listen to what they’re saying. He realizes he’s definitely going to throw up, so he jumps to the bathroom two doors down, and throws his head into the toilet, falling onto his bruised knees in the process. As he’s spewing his guts, he hears the footsteps rush down the hallway in his direction, and Five hadn’t had time to close and lock the door.  _ Just perfect.  _

As they stop in the doorway, Diego has to stop Patch from approaching the sick boy, trying to go to comfort him. “D-don’t, he doesn’t like to be t-t-touched.”

Klaus kneels next to Five, and pressed his cheek into his right knee. “Aww, are you okay? Do you need a tums or something?”

Five ignores him, and lets out a guttural whine. “Maybe it was a bad idea t-to bring you here, P-Patch.” Diego sighs, watching his brother heave. He’s caught off guard when he feels her press a hand into his shoulder in a protective manner. 

“No, this is exactly what I needed to see. Thank you Diego.” She turns to Five, who’s still gagging into the toilet. “It’s come to my attention that what happened tonight was the product of a… father trying to protect his unborn children. Thank you gentlemen for your time. As far as I’m concerned, I was never here. I’ll see myself out now, toodles.” She goes to make her leave, and Diego gently grasps her hand in his own. “Thanks for understanding.”

“Of course, man. It’s the least I can do.”

Patch takes her leave, and Klaus waves her goodbye, while Five spits bile into the porcelain bowl. Diego is still hovering around aimlessly, not sure how he can help at all. “D-do you want me to get mom? Maybe she c-can help with your morning sickness.” Five winces at the term. “There’s nothing she can do for me. It’s been like this the whole pregnancy.” 

He heaves himself onto his feet with his good arm braced on the toilet and wobbles over to the sink to wash his hand. It’ll take time getting used to his new cast. But this? He was used to it at this point. And no amount of dissolvable pills seemed to make any difference.

Klaus makes a shrill squeak and stands back on his feet. “Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a  _ minute.  _ I bet my life that I’ve got somethin’ in my stash you have  _ got  _ to try. Here, let’s go to my room. Is the cop gone Diego?” He looks at the taller man expectantly, going into full manic mode.

Diego glances over his shoulder, and listens for the distinctive sound of Patch’s shoes on the ground, and hears nothing. “Yeah, she’s g-gone. Why, are you about to do something s-s-stupid?”

“Au contraire, my dearest Kraken, for it is the best idea I’ve had in a month!” Klaus shoots out of the bathroom, to his room they presume, leaving the two men gawking at each other. When they finally decide to follow him, Five is met with a thick piece of fabric hitting him in the face once he’s in the doorway to his brother’s childhood bedroom. At least it was soft.

He pulls the wool over his eyes, literally, and stares at Klaus digging through his draws with such intensity Five thought the man would have a heart attack.

“I got this after dad’s funeral, because why the fuck not? I was gonna save it for a special occasion, but Five needs it more than me.” He laughs like a mad man when his hands finally find what they’re looking for. He pulls out a decently sized plastic bag of what Diego and Five both instantly recognize as weed. Diego yelps and closes the door behind them.

“K-Klaus! What the hell man, y-you can’t bring that sh-shit in h-here! What if Pogo smells it!?”

“Then I will politely offer him some.” 

“Klaus!”

“Besides, I wasn’t going to have him smoke it in here. Five, jump us to the roof, will ya?”

-

After much haggling on Diego’s part, the three men are sitting on the roof, with Five coughing up a storm. Diego wasn’t about to let his two brothers get fucked up, on the  _ roof  _ of all places, without any supervision. He watches Five with intent as he passes the joint back to Klaus, who instead of taking it, waves his hand dismissively. 

“Nah, bro, I’ll roll one for me. That’s all yours.”

“I don’t-” Five pauses to cough into his cast. “I don’t think I can finish this, man. It’s- kind of strong.”

And Five is overtaken by a wave of pleasure and another coughing fit. His mouth's as dry as the sun, and he takes one more hit. He tries to hold it in as long as he can, feeling the nausea fall off of him like water. He’s having one more coughing fit as Klaus takes the joint out of his fingers.

“O-kay, so now we know his limit is like three inhales. Good to know. Hey Di, wanna get in on this?” The man takes a long drag, unfazed by the inhaling of such a harsh substance. While he’s holding his breath, he holds the joint out in his direction. “Quieres?” He asks through the coughing he’s now trying to suppress. 

“No, I n-need to k-keep a clear head.” 

Klaus exhales, blowing a smoke ring. “Suit yourself.” He turns to Five on his right side. “How do you feel?”

Five… doesn’t know how to describe it. He feels sluggish and out of time. Everything is happening so slowly, yet it’s over in a second. His brain seems to be covered in a thick fog, and glances down at his ring finger, caught in surprise when he can’t find the scar right away.  _ Oh, the cast is covering it  _ he thinks, and reaches in with the opposite hand to feel his finger, and freezes when there’s no scarred ‘X’ for his fingers to find.

“Where’s my X?” He asks dumbly, not realizing he had spoken aloud. Klaus and Diego stare at him.

“Uh, your ex? I don’t know who you're even talking about…” Klaus trails off. Five grunts, annoyed. 

“Not a ‘who’. A what.” He replies pulling the blade where it’s been stashed in his cast. He moves it to his ring finger and cuts right below the fingernail. 

“What the f-fuck man! Cut it out!” Diego lunges at him, and the older man simply waps so he’s sitting behind Diego as he makes the second cut, forming an X on the finger. He doesn’t react as Diego turns around, and comes at him to take the blade from him. He yanks the blade out of Five’s grasp, and yells at him. 

“Seriously! W-what’s you d-d-damage!?” Five doesn’t answer as he jumps, leaving the two men on the roof.

“Way to go Diego, that was our ride.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok ok i have nooooo idea where to take this fic from this point on. hence the sudden ending of the chapter. im so sorry yall i am not as creative as i have led yall to believe. but i did make them smoke the funny weed, so theres that for yall. byeeee


	10. Dysphoria in Motion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok! i hated writing this so by the next chapter im writing my own shit!

The night passed in the Hargreeve's mansion. By the time morning was upon them, Five had only managed around three hours of sleep. Smoking with Klaus had allowed him to lay down for a brief time, but eventually it wore off, and Five was awoken to one of his babies pressing on his bladder, and the other pressed up into his stomach. He warped to the bathroom and promptly closed and locked the door, in case anyone was awake in the cool hours of the morning. He got in the shower, hoping it would cover the sound of his purging. Thankfully if anyone heard him, they ignored him for the time being. 

When he returned to his room, he found a large sweater and a pair of his shorts, folded sitting on his bed. First he suspected Grace had left in for him, until he notices the note sitting on top of the sweater. He has to get close to read it, and it reads:

‘So you don’t kill yourself trying to fit into the old uniform’

So, Klaus was up too. Five swipes the note away and inspects the sweater. It’s very large, much larger than anything Five would usually wear. It’s a dark gray color, and is soft and cushion-y under his fingers. He throws his towel off of his nude frame and puts on the sweater. While in any other circumstance, it would probably slide right off of him. But it stretches comfortably over his distended abdomen. 

He continues getting dressed, and gets back into his work. He sits at his desk, scrawling over the dark wood with his marker, making equation after equation. He tries to pinpoint where his math had failed him, but he can’t seem to find it. He writes and writes until he’s writing all over the walls, and sunlight starts to peek through his window. 

His headache is throbbing as he decides to jump to the kitchen, in need of something to eat or drink. His eyes quickly fall upon the brand new coffee pot sitting on the counter, and smells the flavor of the freshly brewed coffee. He quickly realizes he’s not alone, and his eyes fall upon Allison, sitting at the table alone and drinking from her own mug. 

“Luther and I went out and got it for you this morning.” She speaks, nodding to the coffee maker.

“Thanks.” He replies and he goes to pour his own cup. He takes a seat across from Allison, and sips at his hot drink. “Like the fashion sense. Actually, it looks  _ really  _ familiar.” Her eyebrows knit together, as she ponders where she’s seen the sweater before.

“Klaus gave it to me, so it most likely belongs to you.” He smiles as she gasps at him.

“I knew my closet was emptier than the last time I was here! That little skank’s been stealing my clothes again!”

He pinches the bridge of his nose in pain at her outburst, amused nonetheless. “Where is everybody?”

“Klaus and Diego are still sleeping, I think, mom’s in her room reading, Pogo is wandering around the house and Luther is in the family room. We were waiting for everyone to wake up.”

“Okay. I have some errands I need to run, so I don’t know when I’ll be back.” He stands, his mug only half empty, and places it in the sink.

“Whoa whoa whoa, where do you think you’re going? You should stay here so mom can monitor you. Have you still been having false contractions?”

“Nope.” He lies through his teeth. 

“Liar. When I was pregnant with Claire I had them all throughout my last month. How far along are you anyway?”

“Not far along enough to give birth yet, if that’s what you're asking.” He’s in full blown denial that he’s going to give birth prematurely. 

“You  _ do  _ know that with twins it’s more likely they’re gonna be born sooner, right? And only like less than thirty percent of mothers actually give birth on their due date? You have to be prepared either way.”

“Yeah Allison, I  _ do  _ know that. But I have more pressing matters to attend to at the moment.”

“What could possibly be more pressing than the imminent birth of your first children?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” And with that, Five teleports back to his room, a plan formulating in his head.

-

_ Knock Knock.  _ Klaus’ head shoots up at the door, and whispers. “Ben, who is it?” The ghost in question walks up to the door and sticks his head through the door, his form non corporeal. He brings his head back into the room.

“It’s just Five.”

Why would Five be knocking on his door at the break of daylight after having abandoned him and Diego on the roof?

“Come in!” He sings, and the door opens.

“Klaus, I need a wig.” Five states.

“Why, did Luther snatch yours?” He jokes, pressing his hands to his lips to stifle a laugh. 

“No, shut up. I’m on a mission and I need a disguise.”

“You know that it’s fashionable for girls to wear their hair short too.”

“Yeah but…” Five trails off.

“Nobody’s gonna suspect that you’re a pregnant man, man. But if you insist.” Klaus jumps off the bed and begins digging through his duffle bag. He pulls out a long, silky straight auburn wig and holds it out to Five. “Nobody understands gender dysphoria like us, huh?”

“Yeah.” Five walks over to the vanity in the small room as he dawns the wig. He has to adjust it, since his head is so small now, and it starts to itch. Even so, he looks over himself in the mirror, proud of his ‘disguise’. He’s totally unrecognizable, especially to himself. His eyes fall over his breasts, and then the shape of his hips. He hasn’t felt this uncomfortable in his body in years, at least not this kind of discomfort. 

“Awww, you’re so pretty! Much prettier than I am in that wig, that’s for sure.” He looks at Klaus through the reflection, and gives a forced smile. “Don’t call me that ever again or I’ll cut your tongue out.”

“Duly noted, handsome.”

Five rolls his eyes at his brother. “Thanks. I’ll be back soon.” 

-

Five feels like a stranger as he approaches the tall building. The building where the eye was manufactured. Five grips the eye in his good hand as he walks inside. He’s greeted with smiles and simple ‘hello’s as he walks up to the receptionist. 

“Excuse me ma’am,” He starts, speaking from his head. “Where do I go if I’m having trouble with my glass eye?”

“Glass eye? Well glass eye production is all of level seven, but if you-”

“Thanks.” He leaves her, not waiting to hear what she has to say, making his way to the elevator. He rides to the seventh floor, the elevator ride leaving him as nauseated as ever. When he steps out, he makes his way around the floor, seeking out whoever is in charge.

“Uh, can I help you miss?” Five turns to the man, who obviously works there.

“Yeah. You can. I found this.” He holds up the eye so the man can see it. “Wanna return it to it’s rightful owner.”

“Where did you find it?” The man inquires, not sure of what to make of the young woman in front of him. “I found it during one of my morning walks, actually.” Five lies. “Just saw it lying in the street. Like it just-” Five makes a popping sound with his lips. ‘-popped out.” As he says this, the scene of his dead brother clutching the eye springs into his head. He swallows the vomit that rises in his throat.

“Well, how thoughtful of you.” The tall man expresses. 

“So tell me who it belongs to, and I’ll be on my merry way.”

“I’m sorry miss, but that’s strictly confidential information, I can’t tell you that.”

“I don’t see why not.” Five’s slowly losing the cap on his anger.

“Because I could lose my job, for starters.”

Five reaches up to grab the man by the collar of his white coat and pulls him in until they’re eye to eye.

“Listen here, asshole. You’re going to lose  _ way  _ more than just your job if you don’t give me the information I need. I’ve been through too much shit that your puny mind couldn’t even begin to comprehend. So tell me what I want to know. Now.”

“I-You're an insane lady. I’m calling security.”

Five eyes the man over once, and throws him back. He struts back to the elevator, obviously going to need some help.

-

“Uh, nice hair?” 

Five ignores Luther as he blips into the living room and points at Klaus. “You. Meet me outside. We’re going on a field trip.” Five looks over the man before adding, “Wear something nice. Raid the old man’s closet if you have to.” He disappears, leaving the two of them alone in the room once more.

“Why was he wearing a wig?” Luther ponders aloud. 

“You know our brother, always working in mysterious ways.”

-

The duo walk up to the building with a fierceness that causes heads to turn in their direction. 

“Okay, tell me the plan one more time. I’m starting to remember it now.”

Five sighs deeply. “It was  _ you  _ who wanted a damn cover story. Whatever. You’re going to pretend to be my boyfriend-”

“Husband.”

“-sure. Doesn’t matter anyway.”

Klaus stops just before they enter the building, and Five turns with his elbow on the door, ready to push it open. “What.”

“Don’t you agree it would be sooo much more convincing if our unborn children weren’t bastards? Besides, it won’t make me look like a damn pedophile.”

“Okay okay. Husband it is. So you’re my husband, and we need to get the name of whoever-” He holds the eye up for Klaus to see. “-this belongs to. Now hurry up.”

They don’t bother with the receptionist this time, Five knowing exactly where he’s going. They take the elevator, and walk out, searching for the man he had threatened before. 

-

Syd, a rather large older gentleman, returned to his workshop after a long night at the police station. The night before he, and a waitress named Agness if he remembered correctly, had been held at gunpoint in Griddy’s Diner. They were questioned harshly about an old man who was reportedly near the premises. Agness, ever so boldly, that the only other customer she had had in the past hour was a man in his thirties who ordered a dozen donuts and a black coffee and left. 

It had been a rough night for the man. He just wanted to fall into his work, and go home for the day. He picked up his wrench and turned to find two lovely women in black suits standing in the entrance of the garage.

“Why, hello ladies. What can I do ya for?”

“We’re lookin’ for an old fellow. Short, round in the middle, kinda sassy. Have you seen ‘im?” The taller woman asks, her british accent sounding like music to Syd’s ears. 

“I’m afraid I don’t know this person.”

Within seconds of his answer, there’s a gun pointed in between his eyes.

“Don’t lie to us, man. We know you were at Griddy’s last night. Just tell us what we wanna know.”

“L-l-l-look, I don’t h-have any cash on me, but I-”

“We ain’t after money, luv. We just want to know all who came into the diner before the police got there. Describe them. Wot did they say?”

Syd wracks his brain as he tries to think. “It w-w-was a guy, real flamboyant like. Not-not that I care, this  _ is  _ America after all.”

“We don’t care. What did he say to you?” The shorter, darker skinned woman growls. 

“He ordered a d-dozen and a black c-c-coffee. Said it was for his kid brother or something. Said he was e-eating for three or something!”

“ ‘Or something’ me again old man! You  _ sure  _ he said ‘kid brother’?” Cha-Cha cock’s the pistol. Syd drops the wrench in surprise. 

“Yeah I’m sure! Please don’t kill me!”

“Wot do you think? Because  _ I  _ think time travel’s a bitch, even with the briefcases.”

“Are you trying to say that Five’s not an old man anymore? Not sure what to think about that.”

Syd stares dumbfoundead at the women before him. What were they even talking about? Before anything else can happen, a shot rings out through the garage, a bullet soaring through the man’s head with deadly precision. He falls dead to the floor and the women continue speaking as though they hadn’t just pulled a gun on an innocent man.

“Think about it. He had to travel through a crazy far amount of time without the aid of a briefcase. Could have sent his body all throughout time to do that amazing feat. Doubt it was without any crazy side effects.”

“But didn’t he go  _ forward  _ in time? Wouldn’t it have made him like over a hundred or something similar? Whatever. My head’s starting to hurt. Let's get out of here.” Cha-Cha puts her pistol away.

“Lead the way, doctor.” Lila gives a silly salute to her new partner. Cha-Cha ignores her as they retreat, for the time being.

-

“Like I told you’re erh,  _ wife  _ before, any information about the prosthetics we build is strictly confidential. Without the client's consent, I simply can't help you.” Five doesn’t like how the jerk says the word ‘wife’, and has to reign in his rage. 

“We can’t get consent if you don’t give us a name.” He growls. The man remains unintimidated though.

“I wish I could be of more help.”

“And what about  _ my  _ consent?”

Five and the man stare at Klaus.  _ What is he doing? _ Five wonders, waiting to see how this will play out. 

“Excuse me?”

“Who gave you permission…. to lay your hands… on my  _ wife? _ ” Klaus hisses, accusation lined all over his words. 

“What?” 

“You heard me.”

“I didn’t touch your wife.”

“Oh? Then how did she get that busted lip, then?”

“She doesn’t have a busted-”

Klaus rears back and before Five’s instincts can kick in, Klaus’ fist collides with his mouth. Five stumbles back a few paces and brings his fingers up to his soon-to-be swollen lips. They sting and burn at the sensation of the hand oh so cruelly making impact, and Five has to resist the urge to holler at Klaus.

“I want the name. Now.” 

“You-You’re insane!”

“Aren’t I?”

Klaus looks to the snow globe upon the man’s desk, the only thing separating the man from the two brothers. He picks it up and reads the label. 

“ ‘Peace on Earth’. Aw, that’s so sweet!”

He smashes his head into the darn thing not moments later, making a massive mess of glass, water, glitter and blood.

“ _ God  _ that hurt.”

Five picks up on Klaus’ plan, and moves to the door. “Security! There’s been an assault in Mr. Big’s office! Security!” He begins to shout.

Once the taller brother wipes the remaining glass and blood out of his hair, he speaks. “Now here’s what’s going to happen, Grant.”

“Actually, it’s Lance-”

“Hush, child. In about 60 seconds, two security guards are gonna burst through that door, and they're gonna see a whole lot of blood, and they're gonna wonder, "What the hell happened?"

And we're gonna tell them that you…” He points to the man.

“...beat the shit out of us.

You're gonna do great in prison, Grant. Trust me, I've been there.”

“You people are insane!”

“You already said that.” Five notes aloud. 

“Fine. I’ll tell you what you want.”

The man turns on his computer and starts typing away. “What’s the serial number on the eye?”

Five rattles off the numbers and his hand shakes. He doesn’t have to read it off the eye, considering he had it memorized by the time he was seventeen. But he wants to make a thousand percent sure it’s right. He’s been waiting so many years for this moment.

“Huh, that’s weird.”

Five’s head shoots up. “What?”

“The eye. It hasn’t been purchased by a client yet.”

“What does that mean?” Klaus asks for Five. 

“Well, uh, our logs say that the eye with that serial number…” His eyes turn back to the computer monitor.

“This can't be right. It hasn't even been manufactured yet. Where did you get that eye?”

“Klaus, run!” Five jumps through the doorway and shuffles to the elevators.

-

“Whoo! That was  _ tight! _ Man, I didn't think I had it in me!”

Five is out of breath by the time they get to the sidewalk. He leans over and puts his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. 

“Hey- no no, you gotta keep your back straight. Otherwise you won’t be able to breath.” Klaus goes to stand next to his brother, perturbed by the smaller man’s discomfort.

“What are you, my mom?” He huffs, straightening out his back.

“Why do you have to ruin the moment? We did awesome in there! Can’t you appreciate a win?”

“It was a total failure, Klaus! He didn’t find out who the eye belongs to. And there was no moment. So there.”

“Why are you so obsessed with this?”

“Because.. because..”

Five debates on telling the truth. Vanya hadn’t believed him, told him he was losing his mind. Maybe she was right about that last part though. But, there’s no point in not trying.

“In the next seven days, someone’s going to lose an eye. And that person… is going to be the cause of the Apocalypse.”

“Ah. Can I get that ride home now?”

“Really? I just told you our days are limited, and all you care about is getting a ride home? What, so you can go get high or something?”

“That, and I’m kinda hungry.”

Five wants to rip his hair out. “Ugh! You're useless! The lot of you! All useless!” 

Five blinks, leaving Klaus alone on the sidewalk.

“Soooo I guess I have to walk then?” He says out loud to no one in particular. 


	11. The boy with the Umbrella tattoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a bitch to write for some reason ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ if u watch any kinds of errors, ples tell me!

Five’s powers take him outside of the Gimbel Brothers department store. He was shivering in anticipation. He hadn’t been to this location in decades. It only takes one warp before he’s face to face with  _ her.  _

“Hi, Dolores.”

“Oh, honey. I almost didn’t recognize you!”

“What, this?” He fingers a few strands of long auburn hair. “It’s not mine. Thought I should try to blend in. Heh.”

“Well, that and the fact you look the same age as when we met.”

Five sighs deeply. “It’s been a rough couple of days. I missed you.”

“And I, you.”

Five almost doesn’t see the two figures approach from behind Dolores. It’s two thin figures, one only a bit taller than the other, and both of them are wearing rubber animal masks. The watches in horror as the taller one raises her gun, ready to shoot.

“No!” He shouts as he dives to the left, careful of his casted arm. The gunshots ring out, and one hits Dolores in the torso, causing the upper half of her body to fall to the ground. He watches everything unfold, a flair of mixed emotions rising to the surface. 

“Oh shit, it’s them!” The commission. He has to save her, he realizes. He uses his powers to warp by Dolores, and quickly warps into the depths of the store.

“You saw that right?” One of the voices calls out.

“Yup, it’s him awright.” The second voice replies.

“Good. You head that way, and shoot anything that moves!”

Five looks down on Dolores, and whispers to her. “I’ll be right back for you.”

“I know.” She replies.

He scurries between isles of clothes, trying to dodge the oncoming bullets. He reaches a rack of hunting knives, and pulls one out. He warps directly behind one of his assailants, cutting her in the neck. By the time she turns to shoot him, he’s already gone, hiding amongst the clothing racks once more. 

“Shit! He got me! Keep your guard up!”

Five almost stops running when it dawns on him how  _ familiar  _ that voice was. He can’t pinpoint it though, having met plenty of commission agents in his several months working there. He decides to ignore it, and grabs a duffle bag off of a nearby hook, and jumps back to Dolores. He carefully places her inside, and makes a run for it, the duffle bag now over his shoulder.

“There!” They begin to shoot, and he warps over a precariously tall wall of merchandise in front of him. He goes to warp once more to a much safer location, perhaps an alleyway nearby, but when he goes for the jump, his entire body spasms, and he isn’t in the alley. In fact, he’s still standing inside the store. 

“Fuuuck!”

He tries again, with no avail. He simply spasms again, nearly toppling over. He looks back to the two agents who are now only feet away from him now, guns aimed. Then, sirens. The three of them all turn to the windows in the front of the store, the police having finally shown up. Five takes this second of distraction to silently dive down behind the cash register. When the two women go to shift their gaze back upon Five, he’s nowhere to be seen.

“Shit, the bastard jumped again.”

“Hurry up, luv. Let’s get out of here.”

The women retreat, and Five listens to the steps get softer and softer. He’s shaking and covered in sweat, and his heart is racing about a mile a minute. He knows who that voice belongs to. It’s none other than his former doctor. He’d bet his life on it.

-

He can’t remember how he manages to avoid the police  _ and  _ Cha-Cha with her partner. All he knows is one second he’s listening to sirens, wondering how he’s going to get home, and the next second he’s approaching the door to the mansion. He stops, and adjusts the strap on his shoulder. He notices his feet are killing him, swollen and tender in his shoes.  _ So I must have walked home then. _ Five silently thanks his body for getting him and Dolores home safe.

He pushes the door open with his whole body, and trudges up the stairs. He’s met with both Allison and Luther, who stare at him as though he had grown a second head.  _ Great, just what I needed. _

“Oh my God Five, what happened to you?” Allison asks, her tone laced with worry.

“Are you okay? Do you need help?” 

Luther reaches out a hand, not sure what he wants to accomplish. Five quickly snatches the wide, clothed wrist with his good hand.

“There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing  _ any  _ of you can do.” He throws Luther’s wrist, and leaves for his room. He needs a quiet night alone with his wife.

-

Five doesn’t bother to count the amount of false contractions he has that night. And he doesn’t bother timing them nor the time in between. It does wake him up a few times, and after so many times being woken up, he decides to stay awake. It’s about 4 in the morning when he decides to leave.

He uses the fire escape outside his window, still dawned in his little ‘disguise’. He takes Dolores with him, carrying her in the duffle bag he stole from the department store.When he reaches the ground, he takes in the cold morning air on his skin. It’s actually refreshing, but not enough to wake him up all the way yet. He eyes a dark green van parked at the end of the alley, and decides it’s his property now. He climbs in and is relieved to find the keys in the center council. 

He starts the car, and drives to Griddy’s, intent on getting some caffeine in him. It’s an uneventful car ride, and he parks the van and enters the diner. Five hadn’t had a chance to see the inside last time they had been there, and he admires the fact that nothing’s changed, except for the employees. 

He sits at a booth by himself. He doesn’t want to bring attention to him by bringing in Dolores with him. She would understand.

“Hiya! My name’s Agnes and I’ll be your waitress tonight. What can I get you today, sugar?”

“Actually, it’s morning for me, but thanks for trying. I’ll have a large black coffee.”

The elder waitress looks Five over. “Ain’t you a little too pregnant for that, dearie?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll have a large black coffee, or I'll burn this entire diner to the ground.  _ Please _ .”

“...Coming right up.”

Five watches the waitress scurry away. She can blame it on his pregnancy hormones for all he cares. He watches out the window, eyes following the cars that pass by. He hears the distinct sound of an empty mug hitting the table. Five watches worlessly as she pours the coffee, and leaves without saying anything else to him. 

-

His stake-out was violently unsuccessful that day. If there were any suspicious characters that entered or left the building, he never saw, blaming it on the fact that would have to leave to relieve himself. Several times. Curse his smaller bladder.

By the time Five’s man leaves the building, it’s dark outside. He watches the figure under the streetlamps as he hauls a large bag. He places the bag in the back seat of his own car before getting in on the driver’s side. 

“Did you see that, Dolores?”

He turns to her propped up in the seat next to him. “I did. What do you think he’s up to?”

“I dunno. But whatever it is, we can probably catch him doing it again tomorrow night. We need a strategy. And you need to eat, love.”

“Don’t mother me, woman. But… I think you're right. Let’s head home. We can head out again tomorrow night.”

-

Unbeknownst to Five, Lila and Cha-Cha are still following his scent. The two women decide to go back to the diner for any clues they had missed. It’s before noon when they arrive. There’s only one waitress, considering the diner is effectively empty. They sit at the bar, and the waitress comes right to them, like a fly to a spider’s web.

“Hiya! What can I get you ladies today?” She asks, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“Mornin’. Say, were you the one working here when this place got held up a few nights ago?” Lila starts, ignoring the waitress’ question. Her face drops before she answers.

“That I was. But I already told the police everything I know. Sorry.”

“We’re not the police. We’re private investigators.” Cha-Cha lies. 

“Yeah. We just wanna know what happened.”

Agness thinks it over. She figures there’s no harm in retelling the story once more.

“Well, before the men came, I had two customers. One sat in, just coffee, and another man got coffee and a dozen donuts.”

“Can you tell us more about the guy who bought the donuts?” Cha-Cha asks. 

“Well, he was dressed like he came from one of those new-age raves or something. He also had two- no, three tattoos. Two on his palm and one on…. his…. huh.”

“What’s wrong?” Lila questions.

“Well, it’s just… he had a tattoo that looked like an umbrella. But this morning I had a young lady with the same tattoo on  _ her  _ wrist. She was real short, and it looked like she was almost due.”

“Did she have long red hair too? And a cast on her wrist?” Lila interrogated. 

“Yeah! How did you know that?”

“We’ve been looking for hi-er, her. We think she may be connected to the case somehow.” Cha-Cha explains. The two partners share a knowing glance. “Thank you for your cooperation, ma’am.” Cha-Cha places a five on the counter before standing up, despite the fact they never ordered. 

-

When Five returns, he goes back the same way he came out: the fire exit. When he gets to his window, he peeks in first. He’s not surprised to find someone in his room, but he  _ is  _ surprised by the fact that it’s Diego. He raps the glass with his knuckle, alerting the other man of his return. 

Diego had been staring into the wall when he heard the light taps on the glass. His head shoots to the window, and rushes over to open it for Five. He stumbles through, his belly throwing off his balance as he bends over to climb inside. 

“Why didn’t you j-just j-jump?” Diego ponders. “Unless… you can’t?”

“If I could, I would have. I used up all my power reserves the other night, and I… wait why am I telling you this?” Five reaches up and grabs the long wig off of his head and tosses it on the bed. “I need to eat.”

“And we need to talk. About m-mom.”

“You can talk while I eat then. What about mom?”

Five heads down the hall witH Diego at his heels. “Allison and Luther want to t-t-turn her off. Vanya agrees with me t-that we shouldn’t and Klaus has no opinion. You ag-gree with me, right?”

“And why do they want to turn her off?”

“They said t-that she’s confused, a-and malfunctioning.”

“Is it true?”

“What?”

“ _ Is  _ she Diego? Is her hardware degrading?”

“I…”

Diego stops walking as they enter the kitchen, leaving him in the doorway. “I dunno.”

“Well, that would put a tamper on my plans.”

“Which are?”

“Not giving birth in a public hospital. No way.” Five begins to gather ingredients for his staple sandwich. He had never been the type to cook, not that he knew how. Maybe if they left Grace on, he could learn from her.

“I was hoping she would be my midwife.”

“T-that’s a practical reason to keep her on then! I’m gonna g-g-go rub it in Luther’s b-big, fat nose then.” 

With that, Five is left to his own accord.

-

When Lila and Cha-Cha return to their hotel room, Cha-Cha goes right to the bed to sit on the edge. She palms the bandage on her neck. Lila had been more than happy to stitch her up, which sort of freaked the shorter woman out. But hey, she wasn’t about to turn down free medical care.

“You tired yet?” Lila hums, stretching nonchalantly. 

“Yeah. I am. How are you not exhausted out of your mind yet?”

“I’m in my prime, old woman. I never get tired. Always movin’. Say, why don’t you let me spy on the little bloke tonight?”

“Because we need to catch him sooner rather than later. I’m worried about the side effects he might have from-  _ whatever  _ the hell happened to him. He’s bound to go into labor any day at this rate.”

“Heh. You sound like a doctor.”

“I  _ am  _ a doctor, numbnuts. Or, rather I  _ was  _ one.”

“Wot’s that supposed to mean?”

“Never mind. We don’t know how many people we’re dealing with yet, so you should take me with you.”

Lila crosses her arms. “How about… we make a deal then. You distract the others, I’ll find Five and grab ‘im. It’ll be easier if we separate and have our own goals to achieve. And it’ll be fun.” She claps her hands together and bounces in place.

“Then what?”

“Then I’ll take him somewhere private we can meet up at later, induce labor, take the babes and Five and scram. Easy peasy.”

“You read my mind then. We can’t risk time traveling with him in such a fragile state. He’ll have to give birth in this timeline.”


	12. See ya Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaah im so burnt out on this i didnt think i was gonna get this far 😭 sorry if this chapter is short and random, i just figured i need to write SOMEthing yakno? anyway cheers

“Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my room?”

Having recharged his metaphorical battery, Five had the ability to warp back to his room. He had not expected a strange woman to be in his room with him.

“Seriously?” Lila mocks. “We’ve met before, shithead.”

Before Five could reply, a cramp catches him off guard. He places a hand over his mouth to attempt to stifle a moan. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Oh? Someone got a little case of the pre-labor jitters? Good, that’ll make this easier.”

Five holds his casted arm out, informing her to pause. It takes a few moments for the pain and nausea to abade. “Okay,” he breathes, “Give me a minute. What the fuck are you talking about?”

Lila gives a creepy smile. “We’re the midwives! Just here to collect what rightfully belongs to the Commission.”

There's the distinctive sound of shouting from downstairs, followed by the sound of bullets.

“Ah. Calvary's here!”

Five can taste bile as he tries to think. Either he loses his family to the Commission, or he’ll lose his children to them. Is he really allowed to make that choice?

Unfortunately, he has no time to think. “Call her off. I’ll go.”

-

Lila rounds him up into the van that Five had stolen. As soon as he’s settled in the front and Lila is in the driver’s seat, she holds her hand out to him. “Take these or I’ll turn your family into cut ribbons.”

He takes the two pills, not recognizing them. He swallows them dry.

They drive off, away from his family into the dark of the night.

“What did you give me?” Five ponders, afraid of the answer.

“Don’t worry. It won’t hurt ya one bit. Well, that’s not true. Labor hurts like a mother.” Five’s blood runs ice cold at her amused tone. 

“Where are you taking me?” He tries.

Lila lets out an ugly snort. “Ooooooh, you won’t know where you’re goin’ ‘til ya get theeeeere!” 

Five’s already getting a headache, and he has a feeling this is going to be a long  _ long  _ ride.

-

Cha-Cha had snuck through the front door of the Hargreeves mansion, with little idea of who she was up against. She knew the old man had at least a brother, and a house this big? She assumed there had to be parents somewhere. Either way, she didn’t care. Her job was to distract anyone and everyone while Lila kidnapped Five.

She hadn’t expected to run into anyone so fast, though. She had only entered the second room before she ran into a small woman.

“What the hell? Who are-”

Cha-Cha lifts her shotgun, and aims. Vanya, with incredible reflexes, ducks behind the table in the middle of the room. “Diego!! Help!!” she cries out as bullets fly.

Diego, who had been in the room adjacent, who had been looking for Luther, comes running to the sound of Vanya’s voice. He reaches for a knife, and is met with a searing pain in his shoulder. “Shit!”

Cha-Cha quickly runs out of the room, having successfully hit one of her targets. She needed all the attention on her for the time being.

What she doesn’t expect is to run into a brick shithouse of a man head on. Luther quickly wraps his arms around her, preventing her from escaping. “Allison! Grab her gun!”

She quickly takes the weapon and points it back at Cha-Cha. “Okay. Who the hell sent you, and what are you doing here?”

Cha-Cha struggles in Luther’s grasp, the floppy ears on her mask thwaping wildly as she tries to knee him. He’s not bothered a bit, and squeezes just enough to make the woman uncomfortable.

“Answer her. Who sent you?”

“None of your damn business, freak!”

“It’s cool luther, I got this. I heard a rumor….

that you told us why you’re here.”

Cha-Cha’s eyes glaze white as she stops struggling. “I’m here to make a scene. We’re here to kidnap Five and induce labor.”

Luther makes eye contact with Allison. “Five? We? Allison, where’s Five?” 

“I dunno, last time I checked he was in his room.” 

Allison runs off and Diego walks up to Luther, holding his shoulder tight. “T-that b-b-bitch shot me!” 

“Diego, go with Allison. There’s someone else in the house, they’re after Five.” Diego’s face falls, and quickly goes after Allison without another word.

“Luther, she almost killed me!” Vanya freaks, still shell-shocked and hiding behind the table.

Cha-Cha begins to struggle again, but Luther keeps his grip strong. “Are you okay?”

“Obviously not! I’m not used to this!” Her hanks shake as she lifts herself off of the ground. “Why do they want Five?”

“I’m starting to think they might be connected to his pregnancy somehow.” The huge man admits. 

“Here, help me tie her up.”

When Allison and Diego reach Five’s room, it’s void of life, and the window is wide open.

“Fuck!” Allison runs her fingers through her hair roughly. She turns to Diego. “They’re already gone! We need to find out where they’re going!”

Diego doesn’t know what to do. His brain is running a hundred miles a minute. He whips out his cell phone, and starts to dial.

“Who are you calling?”

“I need you to go take a picture of Five’s portrait downstairs and send it to my phone. I’m calling Patch.”

-

It’s almost dawn when Five wakes up. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, his head on the window. He gasps and clutches his stomach as a wave of tightness rolls over him. He holds his breath, and whimpers.

“Don’t hold your damn breath. You’ll pass out.”

He greedily inhales, trying to tide the wave of pain. It was way more intense than all the other contractions before, and Five’s heart sinks. At this rate, he’ll be on the messy road of childbirth soon. 

It does soon pass, and he tries to calm his breathing. “Where are we going?”

“I actually haven’t decided yet, ha. I was gonna drive ‘til ya started pushin and take ya to the closest motel to be honest. Then tell Cha-Cha where we are, have her zap over and bada boom, we take a hike.”

“You don’t have the suitcase on you?” Five growls, rubbing circles into his side.

“Why would I have it? Left it somewhere you can’t get your grubby little hands on it.”

Well, there goes all of his plans of escaping.

“Tell me when you get your next contraction. Or don’t, I can still tell when ya get them.”

“Unbelievable. I need a medically trained professional’s help and I’m stuck with  _ you _ .” How cruel life can be because you make one little mistake. Well, perhaps jumping through time was more than just a ‘little’ mistake, but who could blame him? He  _ did  _ have the ability, after all.

“Aww, don’t trust your aunty Lila? Come on, let’s play a fun car game. It’ll take your mind off of your contractions. Maybe. Okay! What do you wanna play?”

It’s like he’s stuck in the car with a little kid instead of his kidnaper.

“I’m not ‘playing’ anything. I need to know that you know what the hell your do-”

Five is abruptly cut off by another strong cramp. He arches his back the best he can, and struggles to intake air.

“Aah! Okay okay, uuh, just breath like this! In, in and out! Like this! Hee hee hoo! I saw that in a commercial once!” Lila is slowly losing her cool. She has never been in this particular situation, and though she finds Five to be a bit of a prick, she doesn’t exactly want to see him suffer.

“Fuuuuuck this is awful.” Five whines, not taking the advice.

“Just try it!!” She hollers. She takes a hand off of the steering wheel and starts biting her nails, her eyes flickering from the road to Five.

“Aah! Oookay! Okay.” Five starts to breath like Lila had shown him, the steady pace keeping him from hyperventilating. He tries to keep his eyes on the clock on the dashboard, but his eyes are bleary and he can barely focus on the numbers. It’s 5:03 in the morning, so he keeps time. He’s really good at that, after all.

-

The Hargreeve siblings are at a total loss. Their only clue to finding Five has no clue where he is, and they’re on a time crunch. They’re currently all sitting in the kitchen, trying to plan their attack.

“Okay.” Luther starts. “What do we know about these people so far?”

“Uuuh, we know Five used to work for them. So he probably knows who took him. Maybe. I guess. I dunno.” Klaus rambles. He had missed the entire scene, having been in the bath.

“D-do we know why they want Five?”

An uneasy silence fills the air. They all have their own suspicions about Five’s pregnancy, and this only solidifies that it had been against his will.

“Well, I h-had Patch put out an amber alert f-for him, so we n-need to do our part. We can split up and search town.”

There's a light chuckle that comes from the tied up person in the back of the room. Cha-Cha’s mask had been removed and her lips were sealed with a slap of duct tape. Diego glares at her. “S-s-shut the fuck up over there.”

“But where do we even start?” Vanya asks, her voice laced with worry.

“Well we can start on the edges of town. Look at abandoned warehouses and such.” Luther pipes up. They’ve got a long day ahead of them.

  
  
  



	13. Almost Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ i have no comment lol have fun f*ggots

The moments turned to minutes, which turned to hours. Four long, gurling hours. The contractions stayed irregular for the first three hours, constantly getting stronger and stronger. Five had Lila pull over a few times for him to heave, but after the first time, nothing came up but bile.

He also had to suffer with Lila’s insufferable rambling. The girl sure knew how to talk. She went on and on about her time in the commission, about how her parents had passed away and how the Handler found her at the tender age of four. She talked about how fascinating she finds reptiles, how she once rode in a hot air balloon, when she lost her virginity to a beautiful butch woman in Turkey. She just talked and talked, and Five let her. At least she was distracting.

Five didn’t find it at all useful to take notice of where they were. It doesn't really matter when you have no way of contacting anyone. All he knows is they're still in the state of New York.

“So when I got there, the place was frickin’ crawling with lizards! Everywhere ya looked! I mean, I’ve never seen so many damn lizards in my life.” She takes a deep sigh and glances at Five. “How are you holding up? You’ve been real quiet.”

“Well, since you can apparently talk for more than a dozen people, I thought I’d just let you go on.” He tries to readjust his position again, trying to get comfortable. His back aches like a bitch, and he’s tired as hell.

“Thanks. But you didn’t answer my question though.”

Five lets out an annoyed huff. “How do you think I am? I’m in agony, and I can’t even stretch my legs.”

Lila ponders this before she speaks. “ Maybe we should stop somewhere then. Get ya nice and comfortable.” She takes the next exit and stops at the first gas station she sees. “We’re both going in. You need to use the bathroom, I’ll go with you. Ya need anything, I’ll buy.”

Five hastily unbluckes himself and opens the door. When he steps out, his legs almost give out under him. He has to hold onto the car door to keep himself steady. “You ok?” Lila calls from the other side of the van.

“Stop asking me that.”

-

After Five relieves himself under Lilas careful eye, and he buys two water bottles, they’re back in the van. They spend a good 5 minutes looking for a cheap motel, as Lila only has so much cash on her. They check in, and promptly go to their new room. She locks the door behind them, and turns to Five. “Is it to your liking, my queen?”

“Shut up. This is hell and you know it.” He had hoped to give birth with his mothers help, it the privacy of his own home. Hell, he’d even take a crowded hospital over  _ this.  _ He begins to pace back and forth through the room, his good hand cradling his underbelly. His children were weirdly still, which was beginning to worry him. 

“Can’t say that I do, luv. I like the coziness here.”

She throws herself backwards onto the bed farthest from the door. 

“You're a cockroach.”

“Thanks.” She lifts herself off of the bed and heads toward the small bathroom. “I’ll be right back. Have to powder my nose and all that jazz. Don’t leave or I’ll hunt ya down.” The door closes gingerly behind her. Five is finally alone with his own thoughts. He tries to walk off his ever growing anxiety. He wonders how hard the others are looking for him, if they even knew that he was gone. When the next contraction hits him, it’s different somehow. It’s even stronger than before, and there's a strange new feeling in his pelvis.

Five has to lean against the wall to keep from toppling over. He attempts to focus on his breathing when he feels a  _ pop _ sensation downstairs, followed by wetness.

“Oh God.”

Lila takes this time to exit the bathroom. “I’m not getting a response from Cha-Cha for some- Oh my god, if you needed to use the bathroom that bad you should have shouted at me!” 

Five thinks he’s going into shock. He can’t move at all, and he’s uneasily calm. “My water just broke.” He chokes out. 

“What?! It’s way too soon! You need to take off your shorts, I need to see how dilated you are.” She shuffles around him, waiting for him to move.

“I am  _ not  _ letting you touch me down- ack!” Another contraction hits him, stopping his train of thought. “Ooooooh, mmmmh.”

“I ain’t gonna touch ya, I just need to see.”

Five has to wait until the cramps ease away before he begrudgingly heads to the bed. He sits and scoots his bottom farther up before going to remove his shorts. His breathing is labored and he’s drenched in sweat. He discards his shorts, but hesitates at the underwear. 

“Come on, we haven’t got all day!”

Five slowly removes his underwear, and drops it to the floor. He doubts he’ll be needing them again anytime soon. He leans back to spread his legs, looking anywhere but at Lila. She moves in between his legs and stares for a moment. 

“I gotta be real with you, without some kinda measuring tape, I have no fucking clue how dilated you are, luv.”

“Then why the fuck did you make me do this?” he shouts. 

She shoots her hands up defensively. “Hey, don’t blame me! Besides, if I had to guess, it’s like five centimeters?”

“You-ack! Y-you guess!? That’s not good enough!” His frustration rose like bile in his chest, so he swiftly closed his legs. 

“Well maybe if something hadn’t happened with your family and Cha-Cha, this wouldn’t have happened!” She shrieks, twisting her short hair into knots. “Do all of your siblings have freaky powers like you?”

“Something like that.” He grinds his teeth, trying to breath through the new wave of pain.

“Great! Well if she doesn’t show up, I’ll help you through this. I swear!”

-

Nothing. They had searched the city high and low, to no avail. The Hargreeve siblings subsequently return to the Mansion, empty handed. Diego is the first to enter through the front door, and is met with the sight of Pogo.

“Master Diego. Thank goodness you’ve returned.”

Diego can hear the relief in his friend’s voice. Did something happen while they were gone?

Allison, right behind them, hears this too. “Pogo, what’s wrong?”

“While you were away looking for Master Five, I had an uninvited visitor. Follow me.” As Vanya, Luther and Klaus come stumbling in, they catch the last of Pogo’s words and they all follow in line behind the old chimp. He leads them into the den, there's an unknown man sitting at the bar.

“Howdy. Glad to finally meet you all. I’m Hazel.”

“And who are you exactly?” Allison wonders, eyeing the man who is unmistakably dressed much like Cha-Cha.

“I’m a friend of Five. I also know where to find him, so please drop the hostility.”

Luther takes a step toward him. “And how do you know that? How can we trust you?”

Hazel points to a briefcase that's on the opposite end of the bar. “Because I can take two of you with me to him. I’d take more, but this briefcase is only programmed to the minimum.” Hazels says nonchalantly. 

“I’m g-going.” Diego squeaks. 

“Me too. If Five’s been put into labor, I can help.” Allison adds. 

“Deal. Vanya, Klaus, we’re on standby here for the time being.” Luther replies. He turns back to Hazel. “Where is Five now?” 

“He’s in a motel in New Jersey. Do you want me to bring him here, or take him to the closest hospital? Because I’d prefer the latter. He really shouldn’t jump in his condition.” Hazel’s face is laced with genuine worry, making Luther wonder about the man and Five’s relationship. 

“If you think that’s what’s best for Five, then make it happen.” 

“Right on. Thank you, erh…”

“Luther.” He points to each sibling and introduces them all.

“Okay. Allison, Diego, have either of you jumped through space and time before?”

-

Five almost passes out twice from the pain. He’s left a withering, hot mess on the uncomfortable motel bed. He attempts to drink some water, but all it does is give him something to throw up. Lila had at least retrieved him a trash bin to vomit into.

“You know, if Cha-Cha were even here, it wouldn’t be much easier.”

“Are you trying to comfort me? Because it’s not working.” He groans into the mattress. He’s lying on his side, with a pillow in between his legs for support. It’s only been 30 minutes since his water broke, and the contractions are starting to overlap. 

“I’m sorry. I really am. Want me to turn on the T.V. for you?” Before Five can reply, there's a knock at the door. 

They both freeze before Lila shoots up. She moves silently over to the closed blinds, but thinks against it and goes to the peephole.

“It’s a woman. Black, blond cute curls, wearing a white shirt and jeans.” Lila doesn’t recognize Allison, but Five does. 

“I’m not opening the door.” 

Five begins to get anxious. “M-maybe it’s the person next d-door complaining about the noise I’m making.”

“Then hell no, I’m  _ definitely  _ not opening it.”

“Then they’ll go to the front desk and we’ll get kicked out.”

Lila thinks about this, and unlocks the door. She swings it open, trying to block any view of Five. “Hiya! How can I help you?”

“Hiii! I’m in the room next door, and I heard a rumor that you passed out.”

The effects are immediate. Lila’s eyes glass over, and she slumps to the ground, unconscious. 

“Ah!! Allison! Ngh!” Five calls out, clutching his middle. 

“Five! Diego, Hazel, hurry!”

The two men come out from behind the van in the parking lot. The three of them climb over Lila’s sleeping form, and Diego gently lifts her out of the doorway and leaves her on the opposite bed. 

Hazel makes his way straight to Five, kneeling down next to the bed. “Heya old timer. How you holdin’ up?”

“Fuuuuuuck. N-not good.” His eyes are watering against his own accord. “Water broke half ‘n hour ago. Wanna go home.” 

“Can’t do that. We need to get you into the van and take you to the hospital. Can you walk?”

Allison and Diego watch as Five slowly raises from the mattress with a muffled sob. Hazel moves as Five shuffles to the edge of the bed. “Need m’ shorts.” 

Hazel picks up the shorts from the bed, noticing the wetness. “Are you sure you wanna put these back on?”

Five snatches them out of his hands and moves slowly to put them on “Doesn’t matter to me.”

“How far apart are your contractions?” Allison asks.

“Mmh, seven minutes apart. Sometimes they overlap.” He manages to squirm into his damp short, and goes to stand from the edge of the bed.

“Any sensation to push yet?” Allison questions again.

“N-not yet.” He tries to put pressure on his legs to stand, but quickly realizes if he were to stand, his legs would give out under him. “I don’t think I can walk.”

“I’ll carry you then.” Diego states. 

“I-I don’t…” Five souldn’t stand being touched, let alone carried. “No.”

“Five, we have to get you out of here. Can I try something?” She begs. She waits for Five to nod, then gets close to his ear. 

“I heard a rumor, that you don’t mind being touched.”

Five’s eyes haze white, and eventually cloud out. He lets out a rugged breath, and holds out his good hand, waving it around until it’s caught by Hazel. Five almost weeps at the sensation. His hand is much smaller in Hazel’s calloused palm, and he’s nice and warm. Five squeezes, and Hazel squeezes back. “How does that feel?” Hazel inquires, his voice unsure.

“Don’t let go. Please.” Is all Five can say in response. Hazels looks to Diego, who gently nods. Hazel moves an arm under Five’s legs, and the other arm that held Five’s hand behind his back for support, much to Five’s dismay. He picks up the older man, shocked at how light he feels in his arms.

“What s-should we do about her?” Diego motions to Lila, who is still out cold.

“Leave her. My powers should hold her there for at least half of the day.” Allison goes to the door, opening it for Hazel. The four of them all get into the worn van, with Diego behind the wheel, Allison in the back, and Hazel in the passenger seat with Five on his lap.

Five can’t help but nuzzle into Hazel’s shoulder pitifully. He can feel another contraction upcoming, so he bites his tongue hard. “Nngh! No no no no…”

“Hey, it’s ok old timer. I got you.” Hazel cooes. 

Despite the man’s brash and hard attitude, Hazel was fond of him.  _ Really  _ fond, if he had to admit to himself. He watches as Five squirms in his arms.

“We’re only three miles from the hospital, bro. Hang in there.” Diego states. He’s driving as fast as he can without speeding too much. The last thing they need is to be pulled over.

The only sounds left are Five’s moans of pain as they make their way to the nearest hospital. When they pull into the emergency room parking, they all clamber out in a rush. 

They make their way inside, and find the closest staff member they can. 

“Hi hi, my little uh, s-s-sister is in labor, her water b-broke half of an hour ag-go.” Diego sputters.

The nurse quickly goes to the front desk, informing two more nurses of the situation. She goes to grab a wheelchair for Five, who shakes his head wildly at the sight of it. “No no, don’t put me down!” 

“I’ll keep holding your hand, okay?” Hazel comforts. This seems to be enough for Five. “...Okay.” Hazel tenderly places Five down, and grabs his good hand. They wheel him through the halls, up an elevator (which almost causes Five to dry heave) and to the birthing center. The nurses are asking them questions, to which Hazel takes charge to answer. 

“How far along is she?”

“37 and a half weeks.”

“Age of the mother?”

“Thirteen.”

“And the father?”

Hazel hesitates on that one. “Won’t be joining us.”

When they make it to his room, Five puts up no fight as he’s undressed and redressed into a white gown. They give him an IV for fluids, and hook him up to a fetal monitor. He lays on the bed, but he can’t help but feel restless. Even still, he has a strong grip on Hazel.

“I’m gonna c-call the others and P-Patch, tell them we found Five.” Diego excuses himself out into the hallway, leaving Allison and Hazel alone with Five. 

“I’m so glad we found you in time. Birth ain’t exactly a party, and it’s harder without family.” Allison’s face falls a bit. 

Five feels a twinge of guilt. She must not have had the family around when Claire was born. 

“I’m sorry.” Is all he can say.

“Don’t be. It’s in the past now. All that matters now is you’re not alone.”

Five immediately thinks of Dolores. He had really hoped she would be present for this. Maybe if the others come to visit, they could bring her to at least see the babies.

But he can’t help but wonder  _ how _ he had been rescued.

“How did you guys find me anyway?”

Hazel speaks up. “I’ve been following you since you got to this timeline. Stole a briefcase, destroyed it so I couldn’t be tracked, followed you for a few days. Then Cha-Cha and Lila left theirs in their room, I stole that one, followed you and Lila here, then went to get your family.”

Allison is even more confused than before. “Who  _ are  _ you?”

“He’s a good friend. Let’s leave it at that.” Five notes.

Allison isn’t convinced, but she decides to drop the topic. She moves to the side of the bed where Hazel isn’t and moves to rub Five’s shoulder. She notices he lightly flinches, but doesn’t move to pull away. 

-

“Patch, I don’t think that’s a g-good idea.” 

“Diego, I can’t  _ not  _ get involved this time. I was lenient the first time, but I can’t do that anymore. Your brother is a minor.”

“B-b-but he’s  _ not!  _ He’s f-fifty three for c-crying out loud!”

“Diego… You know that you can’t prove that.”

He lets out a deep sigh. “...Yeah. I know. Just… don’t take him away, o-okay?”

“I’ll do my best. Maybe you could get custody of him or something. I can help you out with that, you know.”

Diego thinks. If he did get custody of Five, he’s have to move him into his crappy apartment, which is  _ not  _ any place to raise two newborns. Maybe Luther or Vanya would be better.

“I’ll have t-to think about that.”

“Okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Thanks again. B-bye.”

He hangs up his cellphone and debates throwing it into the wall. He decides against it. It’s an older phone, and he really doesn’t want to go phone shopping anytime soon. 

He had already informed Luther, Klaus and Vanya that they had taken Five to the hospital. They were on their way, ready to take the rest of them home once Five was discharged. 

He ran a hand through his short chopped hair. Patch was on her way with what she called a ‘specialist’ for Five to be evaluated. He knew Five was fucked in the head, but that wasn’t anyone else’s problem as far as he was concerned. 

He knocks on the door, indicating he’s off the phone and enters. Allison is now on the other end of the small room, but the scene has otherwise not changed.

“Heeeeey! How’s t-the new mom to b-be?”

“Shove it up your ass, Di.”

Diego can’t help but chuckle. “Good to see you be yourself ag-gain.”


	14. Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for graphic birth scene! wahaha >u>

The next two hours go by in a blur. There are nurses who come in and out of the room to check on his progress periodically. Luther calls Diego when they’ve reached halfway to the hospital, and he only leaves to grab coffee for everyone except Five, who is only allowed to drink clear fluids and eat ice chips. 

He struggles through each contraction, denying the epidural. As much as he would like to be numb, he remembers Cha-Cha telling him that it could prolong the birth. He just wants to hold his children in his arms, a feeling he had never had before. Perhaps he should thank Allison for rumoring him.

She asks more than once if she wants to rumor him numb, but he politely declines. Pain is just a reminder that he’s still alive. Proof he’s there and breathing. Even if it leaves him out of breath.

He decides eventually that he needs to _ move _ . He’s becoming restless and stiff laying in the too comfortable bed. “Help me up, I need to walk.”

“I thought you couldn’t?” Hazel asks, raising an eyebrow.

“That was hours ago. I’m tired of laying down. Help me up.” he repeats. 

Hazel hesitantly places a hand on Five’s lower back, the other still grasped tightly in Five’s small fist. He has to rock back, then forward to build momentum, and is somehow able to stand. Of course though, he almost topples forward as another cramp starts.

“Ghn! Damn it!” Was it just him, or were these contractions getting a  _ little  _ too close to each other? He was no longer keeping track, having given that job to Allison ages ago. 

“Okay Five, you're looking at the beginning of the end now. You’re going to be fine, I swear.” Allison calmly states. 

“You don’t know that. M-my hips are still really narrow…” Five whines. He grips his middle the best he can with his cast in the way. He reminds himself of the little breathing trick Lila had taught him. He can’t be passing out at a time like this. 

“Worst case scenario, t-they can still cut him op-pen, right?” Diego wonders. 

“I doubt it, he’s a little too far along for that.” Allison can’t help but stare at Five’s hips. He definitely had his work cut out for him.

“I need to move. Lemme walk up and down the hall.”

Hazel lets out a dry chuckle. “Maybe you should just walk around the room. Wouldn’t want baby number one popping out in the hall would we?”

Five doubted it would be that easy. “Fine.” He straightens out and starts to make slow laps around the room with Hazel in tow, refusing to let the man go. Diego and Allison watch as Hazel whispers comforting words to the shorter man, and give each other a knowing glance. Allison clears her throat before she talks, catching the attention of all three men.

“So, Five, how did you and Hazel meet?”

Five groans. “Do you really want to do this right now, Allison?”

She raises her hands defensively. “Do what? All I asked is how you two-”

Five cuts her off. “Don’t play dumb. What do you want me to say? Huh? That Hazel is the father of my bastard children? Is that what you wanna hear?” 

“Five, I didn’t-”

“Be quiet! It’s not like it matters. I’m married.”

Allison, Diego and Hazel are all stunned to silence. “W-what?”

“I have an incredible wife whom I love, and she loves me back.” His heart feels heavy at the thought of Dolores. He misses her dearly, and in all the chaos he had forgotten to ask Diego to have Luther and the others bring her.

“Five, I’m happy for you. Who is it?” Allison asks, her tone soft.

“Her name is Dolores. Met her when I was sixteen. We got married within the last year.”

Realization hits Hazel like a truck. He had known little about the mannequin that Five kept in his room, but he had caught the older man talking to it sometimes. “Is… she the one you brought to the commission?”

Five looks at the floor, trying to avoid any eye contact. “Yeah. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think you’d understand.”

“What d-does he mean by that?” Diego stutters. Surely he isn’t the only one who was so damn confused.

“Five… you need to talk to someone. A professional.” Hazel states hesitantly. Five looks up at him with wide eyes. He jerks his hand out of Hazel’s with fury. “Five-”

“I knew it! You don’t get it!” His breathing is rapid and there are tears stinging his eyes. “If you could just hear her, just  _ listen  _ to her, she'll tell you she’s real. I’m- I’m not crazy!!”

He’s caught once more by an oncoming contraction. His back and pelvis cry out in pain, and his legs give out under him. Hazel is right next to him, catching his body in his arms before he can hit the floor.

“I’m getting a nurse.” Allison calls out as she goes to the door.

“I- I- I don’t want a nurse! I want Dolores!” Five sobs into Hazel’s chest. “I w-want Dolores!”

Hazel is at a loss. He watches as the older man breaks down into a weeping mess, calling out for his love. He wants to do anything for him, anything to help.

“Tell me exactly where she is. I’ll get her for you. I can be back in Five minutes tops.”

Five’s sobbing quiets almost immediately. He looks up at Hazel with snot running down his nose. “You will? Honestly?”

“Yeah. I can do that much.”

Five rattles off their address and the directions to his room from the front door. Diego comes close to Five, taking over for Hazel as Five’s support as he leaves the room. 

Diego rubs small circles into the old man’s lower back. He’s alone with him until either Allison or Hazel return.  _ Better now than never… _ he thinks.

“So. Uh, I have t-to t-tell you something.”

“What could you possibly have to tell me right now?” Despite the harsh words, there’s no venom behind them. 

“You remember Patch, right? Well, s-she’s on her way. Here. To see you.”

Five takes a deep breath. “Any why the  _ fuck  _ would she need to do that?”

“Maybe b-because, I dunno, I told her you were kidn-napped?”

“ _ Diego! _ What were you thinking!? This is above the local law enforcement and you  _ know  _ that!”

Diego squeezes Five’s hand. “I was th-thinking that my brother and his kids were in d-danger! Sorry for c-caring too much!”

Five’s anger melts away at those words. Diego had only been worried about him. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be dude. I’m n-not the one who has to p-push two freakin’ kids out of them.”

Allison takes this time to return with a nurse. The woman has an all too bright expression and air around her for any of their liking. 

“Hi! Can ya lay back down on the bed so I can check ya, honey?”

“Don’t call me that.” He barks, using Diego to walk back to the bed. The nurse brushes it off as she goes in between Five’s legs. “Looks like it’s almost time! I’m going to have to ask your family to leave, though. We need more room for nurses and the doctor.”

Before Diego can put up a fight, Allison guides him by the shoulder out of the room. 

“What about Hazel?” Five breaths. “Can he come back in?”

“And what's your relationship with this ‘Hazel’?” The nurse asks as she checks the chart at the end of the bed.

“He’s my dad.” The lie feels weird on his tongue. 

“M-my legal guardian, I mean.”

“Well since you’re under age, we’ll allow it.”

There’s a knock at the door, and the nurse opens it. Five’s eyes meet plastic ones, and he feels a weight lift from his shoulders. 

-

“Come on, push!” a nurse encourages.

“I  _ am  _ pushing! Idiot!”

“Five…” Hazel warns.

“S-shut up! I’m- hngg!- Doing my best!”

Five was in hell. His entire pelvis was on fire, and he couldn't get his legs to stop convulsing in the stirrups. 

“You’re almost there sweetie. You’re doing so good.” He hears Dolores coo. She’s on the chair behind the nurses, so he can’t hold onto her hand, which makes him miserable. At least he can still see and hear her.

Hazel swipes Five’s sweaty bangs out of his eyes, and he looks up at the younger man. Hazel gives a sweet smile that Five can’t replicate because of the pain. 

Another wave starts, so he tries to push. This body he had now isn’t the strong, tailored body he was used to. Decades of walking, lifting and the like had turned out to be an excellent workout routine. Who knew? But now? Five could feel his energy fading fast.

“And I see a head!!” The doctor between his legs exclaims. “Let me see your hand.”

He lifts up his casted wrist to be grabbed and moved to his crotch. 

“...Oh.” His fingertips brush against the top of his baby’s head, feeling wisps of baby hair and it fills him with determination.

He struggles to push again, a surge of energy filling him like electricity. He strains and groans, trying to dislodge the baby’s head. His efforts eventually pay off, and he feels a  _ pop  _ sensation. 

“Baby’s head is out! We just need the shoulders out and you’ll have baby number one!”

“Nnng, I c-can’t do this.” He whines. He feels the pressure on his good hand tighten. 

“Yes you can. You’re almost there, old timer.”

Five waits a moment before the next contraction rears its ugly head, and pushes again. He pushes like his life depends on it, and it very much does. If he can’t get the baby out, they’ll become distressed. If either of his children don’t survive this…. well, Five doesn’t want to even think about that.

He feels the babe slide down his birth canal as he pushes, and feels when the shoulders are finally dislodged from him. The doctor takes her hands around the baby, and pulls them the rest of the way out.

“We have a baby girl!”

Five can’t breath. He has a  _ daughter _ .

One of the nurses rattles off the time of birth, but he’s not listening. He watches as they place her on a small table to clean her and cut the umbilical cord. Isn’t she supposed to be crying?

They clean the gunk from her little nose, and she coughs and begins to wail.

_ Oh.  _ He reaches out grabby hands, finally letting go of Hazel. The nurse catches sight of Five, and smiles widely as she picks up the newborn gently and brings her to him. She places him in his arms, trying to guide his arms in the proper position.

Five realizes he’s never held a baby before. It doesn’t deter him, as he watches her small crying face.

“Tuesday…”

He attempts to rock her to try and quiet her strong wails, and he realizes he’s crying too. 

“Hazel, look. I have a daughter.”

“Yeah. She’s small but strong. Just like you.”

Five snorts and stares at Tuesday.

“Why won’t she stop crying?”

“I bet she’s not too happy to be removed from her nice safe spot for so long.”

Five doesn’t know how to quiet her, so he brings her as close to his chest as he can manage. He’s surprised when she quiets down an octave as she nuzzles his chest with her nose. 

“Either she knows you’re her mom, or she’s hungry.” Hazel laughs.

Five can’t help but turn beat red. He eyes the staff who are all now doing their own tasks of checking charts, IV’s and such. He’s been told he’s have a short amount of time between each birth, a short resting period. 

“Can you help me with my gown? I want to try to feed her.”

Hazel carefully adjusts this gown so it’s slipping off of his shoulder, leaving a perky breast exposed. He brings Tuesday up to his chest, and gasps lightly as she latches on. 

“Remind me to thank Allison. I don’t think I could have even been able to hold her without her help.”

“I’m sorry.”

Five takes his eyes off of his baby and meets the younger man’s eyes. “Why?”

“Because I can’t help but feel like this is somehow my fault.”

Five scoffs. “You know I wouldn’t change a thing about this, right?”

Hazel frowns. “Really?”

“Really. Tuesday is only minutes old and I can’t imagine my life without her.” 

As if on cue, Five is hit with a mild contraction. “Oooooh. I t-think baby number two wants to be born now.” 

A nurse catches this, and moves to take Tuesday out of Five’s arms. 

“Don’t you  _ dare. _ ” He hisses, causing the nurse to reel back. 

“Five, you can’t hold Tuesday  _ and  _ give birth, you’ll crush her.” Hazel says softly.

Five looks back at his baby in his arms, who is steadily sucking away without a worry in the world. “...Okay. But I w-want Hazel to hold her.”

He pulls the babe away from his nipple, causing her to cry out. He cringes at the sound as he passes her to Hazel. He takes her gently in his arms, mimicking the way Five had held her, making sure to support her head. He stands and moves to the other side of the room, trying to rock her and calm her down.

He braces himself, and begins to push again.

-

When Luther, Klaus and Vanya reach the hospital, they immediately head to the reception desk.

“Hi, we’re looking for our family? My erh, little sister came in here a while ago? She’s pregnant with twins.” Vanya speaks up first.

“Name?”

“Five Hargreeves.”

“Relationship with the patient?”

“We’re his brothers and sister.”

The nurse types away on his computer, and gives them the room number he’s in.

“He’s in the birthing suite right now, so you’ll have to wait in the waiting room upstairs.”

“Thank you.”

The three of them climb into the elevator, and when they reach the waiting area, they’re met with Allison and Diego.

“Oh my god! You guys made it!” Allison stands to give them each a quick hug.

“How’s he holding up?” Luther questions.

“D-dunno anymore. He’s with Hazel though.”

“You left him alone with that guy?! We don’t know anything about him!” Luther raises his voice, loud enough that people are starting to raise their heads.

“Luther. He’s the  _ father. _ ” Allison quietly explains. 

“Whaaaaat? Are you telling me little Five got himself knocked up by  _ that  _ guy?” Klaus chimes in. 

Diego shoots daggers in his direction. “You d-didn’t see them together.”

A nurse knocks on the wall to grab their attention. They all look at the petite woman standing in the doorway.

“Hargreeves? Would you like to meet your newest additions to your family?” 

They all follow the woman down the hall to Five’s room. She gives the door a curt knock before calling out “We’re coming in!”

She opens the door and moves so they can all pile into the room. It’s a tight fit, but they manage.

Their eyes all land on Five on the bed, cradling the tiniest baby in his arms. He’s nursing the baby, and Hazel is sitting next to the bed, holding a second baby. 

He looks up with tired eyes and looks at his family. 

“Looks like you guys have two new nieces.”

Klaus squeals and goes to the side of the bed. “Oooooh my god oh my  _ god! _ I wanna hold Ben! You’re still naming her Ben, right?”

“Of course I am. Hazel?”

Hazel hands his baby out to Klaus, who quickly takes her in his arms. She’s not terribly happy being moved around, and she starts to fuss.

“Awwww! Ben, look! It’s your namesake!” He shows the baby to the nothing to his left, and it fills them all with ease.

“I’d let someone hold Tuesday, but she’s eating right now.” Five motions his head to the babe on his chest.

Allsion moves to the opposite side of the bed and pet’s Tuesday’s soft short hair. “They’re beautiful, Five.”

“And I wouldn’t have been able to do this without your help, you know.” His chest tightens. “Thank you.”

“Five, it’s no big deal. Really. You’re the one who gave birth to them, after all.”

He looks at Allison, then Diego, Klaus (who is all too excited to be holding Ben), Vanya, and then Luther. He watches his twin stare at Ben in Klaus’ arms.

“Do you want to hold Ben, Luther?”

Luther looks up, with an expression as though he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He shakes his head fast. “No. I don’t wanna hurt her.”

“You won’t.” Five looks at Klaus, who is too absorbed with Ben that he isn’t paying attention. “Klaus. Hot potato, it’s Luther’s turn.”

His head shoots up and his expression falls. “But I just got her!!”

“And you’ll have the rest of your life to hold her. Pass her over.”

“Aaaawwwwwww. Fine.” Klaus turns to Luther, and begins to place her in his huge arms. “Support her head with your arm man.”

Luther looks like he might pass out as he holds gently onto Ben. She begins to fuss again, not liking being passed around. “Oh god, she’s gonna cry. What do I do?”

Hazel chuckles. “It’s good for newborns to cry. Helps them develop their lungs.”

Luther stands as still as stone, too afraid to rock her. Five can’t help but smile. He feels Tuesday unlatch from him, and he moves her to his shoulder to burp her. Vanya, who had been watching him, moves a step closer.

“Can I?”

“Burp her? Be my guest. She may puke on you, though.”

Vanya reaches out her hands with a huge smile plastered on her face. “I don’t care.”

She takes baby Tuesday and brings the tiny thing up to her shoulder and starts gently patting her on the back.

“You’re being too gentle. She won’t break, I promise.”

“O-okay.” Vanya puts a little more force into her pats, and finally the baby lets out a small burp. She laughs as she rocks back and forth with the baby.

Five feels an ease in his chest he hadn’t felt in a long time. His family was together, and he had Dolores back, plus the two newest Hargreeves. His smile drops as he’s reminded why this had to happen in the first place. The Apocalypse. 

He feels warm, and his vision starts to blur. He can’t breath, his chest filling with ash and dust. Five squeezes his eyes shut, trying to tamp down his rising panic. He still had no idea what caused it. And he only had so many days left. 

When he opens his eyes, he’s not in the hospital room anymore. All he can see is miles of nothingness, the sky grey and ashy. He looks around and wants to call out for his sibling, for Dolores, for Hazel, for  _ anyone.  _ But his voice is caught in his throat. 

“Five?”

He isn’t sure who it is that says his name, but the scene slowly melts back into the unfamiliar hospital room.

“...Yeah?” He looks around to see who had called to him.

“Are you okay there buddy?” It’s Klaus’ voice. Five rubs his eyes, and when he realizes he is in fact  _ not  _ stuck in the End of Days, he begins to calm down.

“Yeah. Just tired.”

“That sounds like an understatement. Here, lets get some paperwork filled out so we can get you and the girls out of here.” Hazel states. He brushes the hair out of Five’s eyes lovingly.

“That sounds nice.”


	15. Greetings and Partings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS ONES FOR YOU, ANON WHO REMINDED ME ABT AGNESS LOL. so. howdy. the last part of this chapter be kinda sad! thats a you problem now. bye
> 
> tw for mentions of suicide

It isn’t terribly long afterwards that Detective Patch shows up. When she does, Diego carefully shoos everyone out, with Vanya holding one baby and Allison holding the other. 

“You have to go too, Diego.”

“No. I want him here.” Five pipes up. Patch looks back and forth at the two before continuing. 

“Fine. Five, in case you don’t remember me, my name is Eudora Patch. This is my associate,” she motions to the woman standing beside her, “Doctor Judy Browne. She’s a psychiatrist.”

“Hi! Oh my gosh, I’m actually a bit of a fan of the Umbrella Academy!” The tall brunette woman says.  _ Great,  _ Five thinks,  _ another fanatic. _

“I brought her with me because she already is aware of your family’s supernatural… abilities.”

Patch pauses to pull back a stray hair from her face.

“Now Five, what can you tell us about your kidnapper.”

“It doesn’t matter. You’ll never catch her.” Five states. He crosses his arms and smirks. 

“So it was a lone woman?” She takes a few notes on a small pad of paper.

“Yeah. Who knows when she is now, though.”

“ ‘When’? What is that supposed to mean?”

“It  _ means  _ that you won’t be able to find her.”

“F-Five. She’s just t-trying to help.” Diego tries.

It’s Dr. Browne who speaks up before Five can retort.

“May I have some time alone with Five?”

Diego and Patch both look at Five, as though they're letting him decide. “...Fine. Whatever.”

They leave him alone in the room with the stranger. “May I sit?” She points to the chair to the right of the hospital bed. He nods.

She gets comfortable in the seat before sighing deeply. “Whew! I’ve heard you’ve had a very eventful couple of days! Am I right?”

“You don’t even know half of it.”

“You’re right. I don’t. But I’d like to. Patch told me you’re fifty three? Fifty four? Is that accurate?”

Five lets out a simple ‘hm’ in conformation. “Sounds like you’ve had a long life.”

He doesn’t respond. His eyes are glued to the window, staring at everything and nothing. 

“Do you have anyone you confide in? Someone you trust?”

His eyes fall on Dolores, sitting in the second chair in the room. The doctor follows his gaze to the mannequin, and she just smiles. “Is this her?”

“Yeah.” he chokes out. He wants nothing more than to hold her tight, for her to whisper sweet nothings to him. “Dolores. My wife.”

“I’ll never tire of those words, my love.” Dolores cooes sweetly. 

“Tell me about her.” There’s no judgment in her voice, not an ounce. Five can feel his shoulders unstiffen at her words.

“She’s the love of my life. We’ve been together over thirty years. I- We spent all of our time together. We were alone for so damn long.”

“And where were you?”

He swallows thickly. “Lost in time. Let’s leave it at that.”

“Okay. Does Dolores talk to you?”

He doesn’t want to answer that. It’s a loaded question after all. “Why do you care?”

“Oh, I don’t. But it’s my job to ask these questions.”  _ At least she’s honest  _ he thinks.

“Yeah. I can hear her. And she can hear  _ you. _ ” he spits. She looks back at Dolores, then back to Five.

“When was the first time you heard Dolores?”

He thinks back to the ruins he had found her in. “I was sixteen. I’d spent three years without hearing a single voice, then all I could hear was her calling from the rubble. I saved her.”

The doctor nods, as if she understands. “Five, what do you know about the term ‘psychosis’?”

Not much. He knows the term is applied to those who need hospitalization. “I’m not schizophrenic.”

“I never said you were. Psychosis isn’t limited to just schizophrenia you know.”

He thinks about it. If he admits that Dolores isn’t real, then that would mean their relationship was 

a figment of his imagination. If he tries to defend her realness, then everyone will label him as this and that, without even knowing the truth of it.

“I’m not crazy.” Five says quietly. “I- she’s real.”

“She may be very real to you! But unfortunately, we just can’t hear her.” She shugs nonchalauntly.

“And what’s wrong with being a little crazy?” 

“The stigma? For a start?” She ‘hm’s in agreement. 

“You wanna know why I came into this profession?”

“No.”

“I’m going to tell you anyway.” She stands up and brushes off her lap. “My younger sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic tendencies when she was twenty one. I was twenty three when it happened. She lived on the other side of the country, so we almost never stayed in touch. Two years later… she killed herself.” Her expression softens and she wipes a stray tear from her cheek.

Five had honestly not expected that. He couldn't even imagine one of his siblings killing themselves. Sure, he had thought of taking his life more than once. He could never go through with it, though.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why? You didn’t kill her.”

This woman was starting to get on his nerves. “So what if I have psychosis? What does that mean for me?”

“It means you’ll need help integrating back into society. It’ll be tough, what with your new family and all. But I’m here to help.” She pulls out a small card from her pocket and hands it to Five. “Here’s my information. I’d like to see you again soon.”

The woman leaves promptly after that, leaving Five with a hollow feeling inside.

-

“We need car seats for them.” Five states.

He stares at the van in the parking lot. There are no back seats, so he’ll have to ride in Luther’s tiny car with the babies and a third person, and he chose Hazel. 

“Maybe I can go grab some and come back.” Allison says climbing into the driver's seat of the filthy van. Diego climbs into the passenger seat, and Klaus and Vanya climb into the back. Five had given Klaus the job of holding onto Dolores for the time being.

“That’s fine. We’ll wait here for you guys.” Luther replies. Allison pulls out, and Luther, Five, Hazel and the babies are left in the parking lot. Five is holding Tuesday while Hazel holds Ben. He moves so his bottom is resting on the hood of the car. 

“So. Uh, Hazel.” Luther starts, his voice nervous. “Are you planning on staying around?”

Five lets out a humorless laugh, startling little Tuesday. He looks down at her and starts to shush her gently and he rocks her. When she doesn’t quiet down, Five feels himself getting frustrated.

“I’m not. I’ve decided to distance myself from the commission for now, which means there’ll be a target on my head. No point in putting all of you in danger.” Hazel says, his grip on Ben tightening slightly.

“Newsflash asshole, they’re looking for me too. And they know where I live now. So maybe…” He hesitates. 

“Maybe?” Hazel repeats.

Five looks at Luther, then Hazel, then at the still fussy Tuesday in his arms. “Maybe it wouldn’t hurt if you stuck around for a while.”

“That’s very sweet of you. But I’m going to have to decline. You’re not the only one who’s met someone.”

Five’s eyes shoot up so fast it makes him dizzy. “Oh? Pray tell.” It was obvious that Hazel was still infatuated with him, but it was nice to hear that he was trying to move on.

“Her name is Agnes. Met her at that little diner you had gone to. Older woman, but boy does she make my heart melt.” He looks at Five trying desperately to calm his daughter. “Want to switch?”

“ _ Please. _ ” Hazel hands the now sleeping Ben to Luther who gladly takes her. He moves to Five and gently takes Tuesday, and Luther hands Ben to Five.

“I have a feeling this passing game is never gonna end.” Five sighs. Hazel moves Tuesday to his shoulder, seeing if she needs to be burped. 

-

It only takes twenty minutes for the rest of the Hargreeves to return. It had turned out that Tuesday just needed to be burped, and fell asleep shortly afterwards. Allison shows everyone how to anchor the seats into the car, and how to buckle each baby in.

Ben had been a whole pound lighter than her sister, but the seats seemed to work, seeing Allison bought two of the best kind she could find on such short notice. Five gave her a tight hug in return. “I don’t think I could have gotten through this without you.”

“Of course you could have. You're stronger than you think, man.”

“Aaaaaand back in the car for a whole ‘nother day. Whoopee.” Klaus says sarcastically as he clambers back into the van.

“Are you sure I can’t ride with Five and Luther? I’d take crying babies over that chatterbox. Please.” Vanya begs. Allison laughs as she nudges her sister to the van.

-

Five doesn’t recognize where he is at first. It’s all darkness before the picture before him starts to sharpen into something more familiar. His home. Or rather, where his home had been before it was destroyed. He crumbles to his knees as he remembers. 

He remembers the smell first. The stench of ash and decay. It’s so overwhelming, he turns to his left to vomit, but it never comes. Then he rememberes the heat. It sears his exposed skin leaving it raw and blistered. He can barely keep his eyes open as they sting and burn. Then, he rememberes his family.

He never could identify Vanya’s corpse, seeing she didn’t have a tattoo to identify her as part of their dysfunctional family. He simply assumed the closest female to the mansion could have been her, and decided to bury her with the others. Looking back on the scene, Five realizes with horror he had been correct. Now that he’s seen Vanya in the flesh, he can’t unsee the unidentified female’s face that’s been seared into his brain for all these past years.

He buries them in order. He skips the sixth grave, knowing Ben is already lying in his. He also digs a grave for himself. He wonders if he’ll know when he’s dying. He tries not to think about it too hard.

-

“...ive?”

“....ake up.”

Is someone talking to him? It didn’t sound like Dolores, though it was almost as deep.

He groans and tries to adjust. He doesn’t get far, realizing he’s strapped down. Be begins to panic. His eyes shoot open and his good hand flies to what he realizes is only a seat belt.

“Hey, it’s okay! No need for panic. We’re home.”

Five looks over at Luther groggily. “Huh?”

“I said we’re home now. You slept the entire ride home.”

Five looks out the window and sees the mansion before them. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes. It’s sunset, he realizes. His head turns to the back seat, his eyes falling upon the two sleeping babes in the back seat. “Where’s Hazel?”

“Had to go to the bathroom. Told him I’d help you bring the girls inside for him.”

He slowly gets out of the car, his lower half screaming out in pain. His legs are weak under him, but he remains standing nonetheless.

He watches as Luther grabs each carrier from each side of the car, and they both trek inside. They make their way to the living room, where the rest of their siblings are resting.

“I’m never getting in the car again.” Klaus groans.

“I never wanna be on the highway ever again.” Allison agrees.

“Where’s Dolores?” Five questions. Klaus simply points to the bar on the opposite side of the room. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t handsy with your girl.” Klaus teases.

He makes his way across the large room to his love. He carefully picks her up and brings her into a tight embrace. “I missed you.” he whispers into her ear.

“I missed you too darling.”

“I have to shower.” He says loud enough that everyone in the room can hear him. “Would you guys mind watching the girls for me?”

“Of  _ course  _ we don’t mind.” Vanya sits up in her seat. “Go shower. You’re starting to stink.”

He flips her the bird before he makes his way through the halls with Dolores. He can hear laughter fade as he goes further into the house.

He turns a corner and almost runs into Hazel. “Whoops! Didn’t see ya there, old timer.”

“Hazel.” He doesn’t know why he says the other man’s name before it’s too late.

“Yeah? Is there something wrong?” His expression turns to worry.

“No no, nothing like that.” He adjusts Dolores on his hip. “I just wanted to thank you. For being there. If you wanted partial custody of the twins, I would understand…” His chest feels tight and wet as he speaks.

“That’s thoughtful of you. But I think it would be best if the girls didn’t know their second dad.”

Five tries not to show how relieved he is. “Okay. When are you heading out?”

“Soon. I’ve been informed Cha-Cha is still here, tied up in the basement. I’ll take care of her and I’ll be on my way.”

“Ah.” He’s disappointed, and he isn’t sure why.

“Yeah.” They stand in the hallway in an uncomfortable silence, either man unsure of what to say next.

“Five. Can you tell him that I said ‘thank you for taking care of my precious husband’?” Dolores speaks. Five can’t help but chuckle, breaking the silence.

“Dolores says ‘thank you’ by the way. For taking care of me.”

Hazel closes the space between them, pushing his lips into Five’s. Five is surprised, and he’s even more surprised when he doesn’t pull away. He stares wide eyed at Hazel, whose eyes are closed. He starts to move his lips around his own, and all Five can feel is the heat radiating off the younger man. He tries to move his own lips in the same manner, trying to kiss back. It’s terribly awkward and wet though, as Hazel is the first to pull away. “I’m…. I’m sorry, I just… I thought-”

“Hey. Just be lucky Dolores isn’t the jealous type.” He’s out of breath, leaving his voice raw and squeaky.

“Was that your first kiss?” Hazel asks, his voice unsure of himself.

“Indeed.” He wipes the spit from his mouth with his sleeve. “But… It wasn’t so bad.”

“I think I should go now.” Hazel starts to pass Five, but he grabs his wrist before he can take off. “Wait. Come here.”

“Huh?” Hazel leans down so they’re eye level, and Five gives him a quick peck on his cheek.

“Thanks again.” He says quickly before letting go of Hazel, and blinks to the bathroom before he can say anything else to the older man. Hazel just brings a hand up to his face, and smiles warmly.

-

Five finally has time to unpack everything. He sets Dolores on the toilet, undresses, and turns the water as hot as he can manage. He steps into the tub and carefully sits himself down. He doesn’t trust his legs to hold him for long. He also has to mind his cast, leaving his arm hanging out of the tub to keep it dry.

He thinks as the water cascades down his face and body. He thinks of his beautiful children, and how attached he already is. He had wondered if he would be a good dad, if he would actually love his children when they were born. He’s not sure if he feels love, but he does feel something alright.

“Honey? You’re awfully quiet.” Dolores says barely above a whisper.

He remembers what the doctor had told him in the hospital.

“Dolores…. is this healthy?” he finds himself asking. “What do you mean, dear?”

“This. Our relationship.” He waits for her to respond, biting his lip.

“I think it’s all you’ve had for a very long time. I’m not going to claim we have a perfect relationship. I think you were just so lonely. I… I just wanted to help.” 

_ Lonely _ . Can loneliness really disconnect him from reality in such a cruel way?

“Do you think… should we stop seeing each other?”

“Darling, it’s not my place to say. But if you think that’s for the best, then I’ll survive.”

He listens to the shower head, the sound of the water hitting the tub and flowing down the drain. The water is steaming hot, not that he minds. He finds that he enjoys the stinging sensation on his skin. It reminds him of the acid rain on bad days with Dolores. How she comforted him when it would burn through his clothes and scald his skin. She never teased or made him feel little when the pain brought him to tears. 

What they had was real to  _ him.  _ She was a s real to him as any other person he had met. But nothing lasts forever, he reminds himself. This is a new chapter of his life, and he wouldn’t mind starting fresh.

“I think we should get a divorce.” Five states dryly. It breaks every inch of his heart saying those words out loud. He eyes the X scar on his ring finger. “I’m keeping the ring, though.”

Dolores lets out a hearty laugh that touches Five’s soul. It brings tears to his eyes, and before he knows it, he’s weeping. He’s grieving a person who isn’t gone yet was never there. His body shakes as he cries, all his pent up emotions flowing out of him in waves.

“Don’t cry for me, my dear. I’m not worth it.” Dolores says sweetly. It makes him cry harder though.

“How c-can you say that? You’re p-perfect. You’re  _ too  _ perfect.” he sobs. 

“If you say so, darling.”


End file.
